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UPenn: Page 217 of Autobiography starts with an incomplete sentence


marcabundo 4 / 5  
Oct 7, 2009   #1
(starts with an incomplete sentence since it's just pg 217 of the book ;)

received neither the life, liberty, nor the pursuit of happiness (as stoutly declared by Jefferson) while under my parents' wing. I pitied my siblings and myself.

In keeping with the usual Asian stereotype, my parents kept us in shape academically. As an elementary school student in the Philippines, I would spend my evenings trying to grasp the notion that "becuase" was "because." By my side was my Mamey ready to unleash her pinches at will. My slave drivers firmly drilled in to my head that not only should I do my best but also to be the best.

My parents (especially my Dadey) also imparted that none of us were to engage in trivial pursuits of romance until graduation---from college. To do so would prompt the renunciation of any existing ties that may exist between a child young man and his parents.

It was understandable then that I bawled tears of joy upon receipt of the blessed letter of acceptance from a college 4966 miles away from tyranny. Oh, what a foolish child I was!

"你要咖啡吗?" repeated the irritated coffee shop clerk. "喂!"

"对不起," I replied apologetically, suddenly snapping back to reality.

Despite financial success not only in Wall Street but also in Shanghai, Mumbai, and Dubai, a void lingers. It's been five years since my last contact with my family. As they say, one can easily get lost in the clamor and glamour of the city life.

As I sip my cup of cappuccino and gaze into the blur of a seemingly homogenous crowd, a revelation of sorts manifests right in front of me.

"你愿意嫁给我吗?" beseeched the potential groom to her lover, kneeling.

"当然!" gushed the overjoyed bride, as she gets whisked by the groom in to a long passionate kiss to the applause of the well-wishing crowd.

Smiling, I left the coffee shop with my phone at hand. Today is my parents' wedding anniversary.

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I dont really like how this "essay" turned out. Should I just scrap it and start a new one? Or can it still be improved (drastically)?
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Oct 7, 2009   #2
What do you want this essay to say about you? You need to pick a quality that you want the admissions officers to know about you, then write an essay that demonstrates it. This doesn't really say anything about you in that respect, and so you should probably start over.


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