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UPenn - (page 217) grammar?


luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 29, 2009   #1
Here is part of my pg. 217. I am not exactly sure about the tense...past perfect?
I appreciate the corrections!


Watching Angelica mature, I could not help but reminisce to the glorious days when I was a student at Wharton. Huntsman Hall, with its lush, fulvous wood on the interior, had become my second home away from the Quadrangle. Every night, several classmates and I would immerse ourselves in a group study room, discussing the day's lessons. Statistics? Corporate Finance? Investment Management? We had it all covered.

I recalled taking a stroll one night from Huntsman Hall. I had stopped abruptly as Penn's ingenious founder had sat on a bench before me. Benjamin Franklin was clad in a heavy frock coat, with a walking cane in one hand. A pair of spectacles had sat on his nose as a pamphlet on his left hand diverted his eyes. He was not alone, but was accompanied by a cheery bird. Nonetheless, I had plopped into the empty space beside him. The notable--
realcheesecake - / 4  
Dec 29, 2009   #2
Awesome essay! The grammar/punctuation are great, but if you still have space, maybe you should say something about Benjamin Franklin and how he related to you. Just a suggestion, the essay is great as so.
pennhopefull 5 / 18  
Dec 29, 2009   #3
Haha, nice essay, like the ending especially. But, how does the first paragraph tie into the second? Maybe talk a bit more about Angelica...for example, write something about her going to college, maybe her going to penn etc.
OP luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 29, 2009   #4
This is only a part of the whole essay; I just want to get this part checked for the tenses.
My autobiography is in the past tense, so when I talked about remembering something from the past, I think it should be past perfect. However, I am not sure if what I wrote is indeed past perfect.

Any help is appreciated! I will return the favor!
RHDFinney 2 / 15  
Dec 29, 2009   #5
I don't think 'reminisce to' is correct. Perhaps:
Watching Angelica mature, I could not help but remember the glorious days when I was a student at Wharton.

Alternatively, for a simple grammar correction: reminisce about.

In what dusty tomb did you find a word like 'fulvous'? Does it try too hard?

Also, your tense in the penultimate sentence is pluperfect, and might sound more natural in the perfect: i.e. Nonetheless, I plopped down next to him.

Otherwise, interesting. As others have said, perhaps relate the first paragraph to the second more.

Thanks for commenting on my essay.
OP luminousx 3 / 32  
Dec 29, 2009   #6
Fulvous is a color. LOL

Thanks for the correction. Arrgh, this whole tense thing is confusing.
AbhijeetS 4 / 6  
Dec 30, 2009   #7
Its pretty good. I think you praised the university, without sounding silly. Also can you use lush to describe wood?


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