Please help me improve this essay, any comments/edits are welcome!
many thanks!
Thank you guys so much!!! Here is my updated version with changes suggested from essayforums and a few of my own changes.
A diverse student body, opportunities to develop my leadership skills and rigorous program that would prepare me for the real world. These are three important factors that I look for in a university and the Wharton School at University of Pennsylvania offers everything that I am looking for, and exceeds my expectations.
I am Canadian with Chinese background, and from a young age, I've learned to combine all aspects of my personal identity and to take advantage of it by using it as a way to establish a quicker and stronger rapport with other students and professors alike. Diversity in a university is very important to me because it allows me to further develop my interpersonal skills by interacting with other students who are as diverse as I am and it allows me to see things in a broader perspective. The Wharton School offers unsurpassed diversity from its diverse student body and professors to its strong emphasis on international study, including exchange to other world class institutions such as INSEAD. Being Canadian, I would love to have an opportunity such as this to further improve my French language skills. This would also give me a strong foundation from which which I can build upon and increase my interpersonal skills. This will give me an advantage in the real world since business is all about interactions with others.
The Wharton School also promotes leadership development. Ever since I was elected as the class representative in high school, I realized how much I loved being a leader. Being a leader meant that I could combine others' knowledge with mine, and make a difference as a team. I also realized that as a leader, I faced more challenges and responsibilities, which helped me better myself in the the process. The Wharton School has long been able to provide its students with leadership opportunities, such as student-run conferences. With joining many clubs, such as the the General Management Club and the Entrepreneurship Club, and participating in their conferences, I can broaden my views and emerge as a truly knowledgeable student familiar with every aspect of business. By joining these conferences, I will also be able to express my viewpoints and to lead others so they could have a broader horizon. With so many opportunities to observe others and reflect upon myself, I believe that Wharton would allow me to become a much more capable leader.
I am also interested in an intense and rigorous academic program to prepare me for the real world, and Wharton offers everything I am looking for. Wharton's courses of study are not only intense and rigorous in terms of difficulty but also in terms of the different, more hands-on approach to learning business. The courses contain a good mixture of cases, lectures and projects, this would allow me to explore business concepts freely and experiment intelligently. In the end, all of the courses will shape me into a sharp, capable and savvy person who is competitive in today's world. The Wharton School also has an unsurpassed alumni network that includes people successful in e very stage of business. Studying at Wharton and eventually joining the network would allow me to connect with these people and to be inspired by them.
Having everything that I wanted in a university, a diverse student body, leadership developments opportunities, and a rigorous academic program, Wharton exceeded my expectations with its historic campus, passionate professors and a real sense of a close-knit community. By studying at Wharton, I would able to weave myself into this community, grow, and eventually come out as developed, mature and competitive person ready to take on whatever this world has for me.
I like how you included specific examples such as INSEAD and the two clubs you mentioned. However, besides that, the reasons why you like Wharton pretty much apply to ANY top tier school - diversity, rigorous academic program, etc. Also, in your last paragraph, you suddenly drop the terms "historic campus," "passionate professors," and "close-nit community." Those are very good things to mention - Penn is particularly noted for the passion of its students and professors - but you might want to include them earlier in your essay, and give specific details showing those qualities as well.
