This is my Upenn supp essay. My first time writing this sort of essay so I'm not really sure how I should sound like. Just give any honest comments. The word limit is 500 and it is now exactly 500. Thank u! :)
Two a.m., my room is dark. My ward's power supply has been cut, so I only have one hour left to look at my dream school: Wharton School, University of Pennsylvania (Upenn).
I have recurrently imagined walking in Upenn's enormous campus. It instills in me a sense of adventure (where will my secret spots be?). And I admire Van Pelt Library's grandiose beauty. Its high ceilings and brown color inculcate an invigorating but still cozy feel; not to mention the huge amount of available research materials. Van Pelt makes working much more enjoyable.
Now let's tab the "Interdisciplinary Study," it sounds interesting. Wow! The college allows me to design my own curriculum. This is perfect for me. Accounting and Finance has long been my favorite, but Psychology is intriguing, too, especially Consumer Psychology. I would not be able to pursue both interests simultaneously in many other colleges. In Upenn, I can!
While designing my own timetable, I will definitely make time to continue dancing. Performing in Platt House sounds really thrilling. My dream of choreographing a Vietnamese dance and a hip-hop item can also be accomplished. I may even take up something new, like Archery or Martial Arts.
Large and diverse as Upenn is, staying put for four years still seems dull. In two Junior College years, I participated in two overseas school trips, and cannot imagine four university years without one. I want to explore new economies, cultures and learn more useful skills. One click into "Innovative Learning" reveals Wharton Leadership Ventures and Wharton International Programs, both willingly aid qualified students. I should never miss such precious chances to learn beyond classroom. I can try signing up for the organizing committee, too. Hopefully my secretarial experiences while organizing Spectra events in Singapore will help.
How about "Life at Wharton?" Majority of the alumni appreciate the social life here. Let's see, they have eight cohorts in just one school. Fascinatingly, cohorts are named after currencies! I like Rupee's maroon color, but Shekel and Yen look more enthusiastic and united in their photos. Perhaps each cohort has its own strengths and characteristics. As long as I can be in one of them, I'd be over the moon.
"Geez, no more battery?" I sighed. My laptop screen has turned black. Lying down, I can still visualize Upenn, Wharton, and their question: what can I, in return, contribute to their community?
I am no Hercules who can lift up a thousand-kilogram statue. However, I danced for nine hours with only one hour break while preparing for my 2011 dance concert. I guess I am physically useful.
I am no Jasper Cullen who can control people's feelings. However, my family and friends like to tell me their problems. My Project Work groupmates say they would never mind me being their leader. I guess I am mentally and socially useful.
Despite having no superheroic capabilities, I still hope to benefit the Upenn community, because I will dedicate my most valuable possessions: my heart and brain.
Its a good essay, it catches your attention, but when you start talking about how your no hercules or you're no jasper Cullen you might want to combine those two statements so that they flow more easily. Also I think by saying you guess your useful you don't sound very useful. You should put a little more confidence and some examples of how you are useful but without sounding cocky.
Another thing, in the beginning "it instills in me a sense of adventure" I think you meant installs?
Please help me on my essay. Its under Hispanic Scholarship Fund extracurricular activity essay: giving back to the HYI.
THANK YOU!:)
Hi Nathalia!
Yea u're right, I should combine the 2 paragraphs. Uhm okay I'll look at the useful part again. And yes I meant "instills". Thanks for ur comments! :)
Yup I'll take a look at urs.
This essay is really creative and well written.
Nguyen
This is extremely well written and the AOs can see that it was well thought out and that your are creative. I can find no flaws grammatically or content wise. It is very good. Good luck!
I agree with Nathalia, however that you should combine that last part about you and make it more fluent, useful sounds kinda lackluster and not very attractive, so you should find better ways of bringing out your strong points.
Hope this helps! Could you take a look at my common app Luxury VS. Struggle essay. Thanks!
This is creative and wonderful, but try to emphasize the second part of the prompt: How will you contribute to the community? The last two lines are good, but they really want to see how you can benefit them.
Once you do that, I think you're all set!
Please check out my essay!
Lee and Zhoe: Thank u so much! :)
Zhoe: okay useful really doesn't work. I'll find another way to write it. Okay looking at ur essay soon!
Hello,
This is a good reason why students should have their essays professionally reviewed. You write, "Large and diverse as Upenn is, staying put for four years still seems dull. In two Junior College years, I participated in two overseas school trips, and cannot imagine four university years without one." This alone will be scored as a minus for you. I realize that you meant this in a good way. However, what you are basically saying is that Upenn for 4 years will be dull. There is a much better way to phrase your desire to study abroad without it detracting from the hard work of the staff at The University of Pennsylvania. Also, you must talk more about how you will utilize the facilities and programs. Its ok to say you like the interdisciplinary aspect of Upenn, but so will 15,000 other applicants. How will you really utilize the resources to achieve exactly what you want? Lastly, how will you give back? Elaborate more on this. AAO/express
Hope This Helps
Aromie: thank u very much!
Kevin: that definitely helps. Thank u!
Looks like I have some more work to do with my essay. Pheww! :p
