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"don't be upset about what you don't get." (best piece of advice essay)


bovienkid 1 / 4  
Sep 30, 2010   #1
I am applying early, so I would appreciate some feedback.
I am unsure of what is missing with my essay, and I need to have another person's perspective on this. I feel that in this essay I am saying that this advice just magically made me change everything about myself.

500 word limit.

Ari the kindergartener was enveloped by fifth graders pressuring him for his solar capacitor. He calmly told them, "don't be upset about what you don't get." The faces in the crowd dropped. His advice kept repeating inside me, and over time, I adjusted my philosophy for life-I did not feel the need to mourn over trivial matters any longer. I began to accept the outcome of everything; whatever happened, happened; however, I did not allow the past to discourage me-I do all I can do to make things the way I want them to be. This advice inspires me to take action.

I was prohibited to go to the library, the playground next door, or even out my front door into the streets of Oakland. I needed to get out of this town-this place called home; people of all ages loitering, drive-by robberies, and shootings in the streets. I settled with rereading the same books and rewatching the same videos when I was not provided with new ones. No one had the time to guide me and I did not receive the best education, but I made the most out of what I had.

I realized that I need to take initiative and decide things on my own. It is up to me how serious I take my education. My parents do not encourage me to continue working hard nor do they expect me to succeed in school, but this advice is dear to me because now I understand that focusing on schoolwork and sports is the only way to stay away from violence and trouble. I am determined to focus on all my passions and to get out of the ghetto for a better future. My effort is for myself, and this reinforces me to live life my way and not someone else's way.

Even though I am not going to be unhappy with what I do not have, I am going to work hard to get what I want for my future. I swim or play basketball daily. Through poetry and speech, I try to uplift kids, teens, and even adults on a personal level and to motivate them to take action. Above all, I intend to indulge my penchant for knowing and learning. I will read, listen, and talk until my head spins; I shall then rest and begin again. I will be a sponge; soak in, bask under, and descend into knowledge. I believe this will lead me out of my unhappy circumstances in this town.

I cherish Ari's advice because it has lead me to find the direction I want to take my life in and the self-motivation to do so. I intend to pursue knowledge to get out of the ghetto, because grieving will not change my conditions. I may not have been given the best resources, but I take what I have and press onward.
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 30, 2010   #2
I am applying early, so I would appreciate some feedback.
I am unsure of what is missing with my essay, and I need to have another person's perspective on this. I feel that in this essay I am saying that this advice just magically made me change everything about myself.

Jaron,

This is an excellent essay! The only thing that I would suggest you do is use two (2) "--" between words when you do use them. When you use only one, it doesn't look right.

When we went to the store -- to get some Pepsi -- we took all of the money we had.

See how that looks? It looks better than just using one. And, a space belongs between the word and the "-".

Otherwise, your essay reads quite well, indeed. I enjoyed reading it.

--Mark :)
jonb 2 / 5  
Sep 30, 2010   #3
Just one little error:
I was prohibited to go to the library, the playground next door, orand even out my front door into the streets of Oakland.

It's a nice essay.
OP bovienkid 1 / 4  
Oct 1, 2010   #4
That's great to hear! I haven't shared this to anyone else. Getting positive feedback is the optimism I need right now, too.
sabs 5 / 8  
Oct 1, 2010   #5
Jaron this is an interesting piece. It perfectly explains your character with a story. The flow is great but take advice from as many people as possible to make it polished. Good luck man.
OP bovienkid 1 / 4  
Oct 1, 2010   #6
Thanks. I haven't been criticized about yet. Normally I make the reader confused at some instant or I send the wrong message. I'm seeking for someone to find something wrong and to bring that out.


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