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'The urge to succeed' - What matters to me Stanford


cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #1
Any feedback on this essay is appreciated :)

Growing up, I was always the tomboy. I was the girl who always hung out with the boys. I was the one who spent all my time getting dirty outside while playing sports. My dad solely embraced this attitude as well. I was his first child. He didn't have his boy yet. He thus put forth all this effort to make me an athlete. I juggled playing soccer, volleyball, basketball, and softball. I excelled at these and enjoyed these sports. While the sports I play certainly do matter to me, it's bigger than that.

Every athlete has heard the phrase "it's not about winning, it's about having fun." But come one now, let's face it, this is not true. For me, I have the most fun when I win. No one likes losing, and while it may be a hard fought game, it's never rewarding unless you get the W at the end. The feeling of success that is accompanied with winning is one that cannot be matched by any other. To me, success is everything. It's just the way I am. I'm incredibly competitive and always try my hardest to win.

The urge to succeed is what drives me. I cherish the feeling above pretty much everything else. It is what keeps me going. I'm constantly searching for a way to be successful in everything I do. Life for me is a competition, and no matter what, I always try my hardest in whatever I do. In those late hours of the night, when all I want to do is go to sleep but I still have tons of homework, I stay up and do it because by doing it, I succeed all the more in school. At the end of a basketball game, when there is a minute left and the score is tied, and I'm dead tired from playing the whole game, I push myself all the more further so that when we win, I know my hard work paid off. And in those times when I don't succeed, rather than hang my head in disappointment, I push myself more so that next time I'll be prepared and will succeed at whatever my next challenge may be. The desire to succeed matters to me, and without it, who knows where I would be at in life.
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #2
Overall, it's a strong essay and provides much insight into who you are as a person. Good luck with Stanford! I will be writing mine later in the evening. Mine is due tomorrow. Anyways, I just made a few suggestions:

Avoid contractions. Ex: didn't, it's, let's, etc.
Maybe you should mention the sports you continue to play; I know you mentioned basketball, but is there anything else?
Finally, try to use some strong verbs instead of phrases. It'll make your descriptions more vivid and will reduce the words. For example, instead of saying "I try my hardest", say "I strive" or "I am persistent or determined." You get the point.

Overall, the idea is great and flows smoothly. I would appreciate any help with my Common App essay.

Thanks :)
OP cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #3
Thanks for the advice. It's greatly appreciated. Mine is due tomorrow too, and I'm still revising my essays. I'll definitely take a look at yours. Good luck to you as well!
TheallMaster 1 / 6  
Oct 31, 2011   #4
I excelled at and enjoyed these sports.

While the sports I play certainly do matter to me, it's bigger than that. It's is a vague word and here does not refer back to any thing clearly.

No one likes losing, and while it may be a hard fought game, it's never rewarding unless you get the W at the end. I would advise maybe taking that part out. I feel like you contradict this statement when you say, "when I don't succeed, rather than hang my head in disappointment, I push myself more so that next time" because in a sense losing helps you get better by making you try harder. Or, since it seems like an important statement in your essay, say that it does not seem rewarding unless you win.
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #5
Are you doing QuestBridge National College Match?

Thanks in advance :)
OP cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #6
Yes I am. All these essays that are due tomorrow are killing me! You are too I'm assuming?
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #7
Yes! Congrats to you for being a finalist =)

They are killing me too... I just finished Emory and UVirginia. I still need to write Stanford, and a couple more.

I'm trying to look at the positive side of it, though. All this will be over by midnight tomorrow.
OP cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #8
As to you :)
I'm finishing up Stanford's today and tomorrow and then I'm done.
Yes definitely can't wait for tomorrow. A huge load will be taken off of my shoulders that's been there since this whole process started.
rifatmursalin 13 / 36  
Oct 31, 2011   #9
So true :)

Hope you get accepted to your 1st choice and many more (not that it'll matter)
OP cstephanie41 3 / 11  
Oct 31, 2011   #10
Thanks! I hope the same to you! Goodluck! And if there is anything else you need help with, I'll be here!


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