How I discovered my comedic side. I'm not sure if the essay is effective enough at relying a solid message, or needs more of a conclusion for an admissions essay. It's also a sentence or two too long. Can any help Please?
Prompt:
* Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.
The earth-shaded cobblestones had been glazed with rain the evening of Ben's birthday party. His backyard looked sprinkled with partygoers, and I stood by the Koi pond, but not for long. My legs swiftly took flight off the wet floor, and before I knew it, I fell into the pond. At that moment, the yellow sign "Slippery when wet" flashed in my mind. It is funny how such an obvious phrase can possess such profound impact.
I fell hard. Luckily, my head broke my fall. It landed square on the hard part of a rock. I was not sure what happened, but I was certain I hit my head. Not because I could feel it, but because the distinct sound of a "thud" rang through my skull. Oddly enough, I felt no pain. Maybe I did not fall so hard. Perhaps I was just wet and humiliated. Yet, when I tried to lift myself out of the water, the task seamed nearly impossible. By then, a crowd gathered around me. I looked around and saw twice as many people through double vision. I tried once again to get up, but nothing happened!
Why does this not hurt?
I looked down at my body, and saw my appendages drooping like spaghetti. My limp noodle arms floated across the murky water, alongside the coy. Friends rushed over to help me out of the pond, but my feet did not seem to work. I could not move, or hardly even talk. I just laid motionless in the pond, staring up at my friends like a lifeless pile of Jell-O asking, "Am I okay?" Everyone just stared. That's when the fear hit me. I was damaged goods. I must be paralyzed! The combination of fear and adrenaline that shot through my veins nearly made me vomit. The only ones more frightened than I was, were probably the fish.
My whole life, I have never been one to take many risks. I always saw myself as a quiet, introspective child, always taking unnecessary percussion to avoid injury. Often times I would shy away from even potentially dangerous actives. Who knows, I could turn a corner and come face to face with an eighteen wheeler driven by some guy on his cell phone, or get gunned down for a gang initiation, or spontaneously combust! I was neurotic. Then suddenly, like some self fulfilling prophecy, I have been granted what I have always feared the most. Would forever be condemned this numb existence?
Then the tangling of a million tiny, black ants began at my toes. They kept crawling, marching up my legs towards my hips. The brigade grew into a colony as the ants stopped onward, past my stomach and into my hands. I could feel the little buggers nibbling at my fingertips, crawling under my shirt and up my back until my whole body felt infested with these tiny, crawling superorganisms. Then suddenly, they vanished.
I could feel the water and my wet clothing as they clung to my skin. I sensed the cold. Oh, how I missed the cold. Muscles contracted and ligaments bent as I soon possessed the strength to lift myself out of the pond. My thighs and biceps did their job as I pushed myself to a standing position. I can stand!
Then like some overjoyed birthday clown, I let out the most uproarious laugh. I thought of how funny I looked slipping into that Koi pond. I kept laughing. I laughed because it was the only way to deal with the fear and pain of my injury. It was then that a realization hit me like a bolt of lighting. I learned how wrong I was. Life is precious, and though there may by over six billion of us living, breathing, hearts pounding and only inches from death, this life was mine and I only get one, so I should make the best of it.
Life can end without warning, and that scares me more than anything. For this reason, I laugh. Maybe the impact shook something loose, rendering me not quite right, or perhaps it granted me a freedom from fear that can only be cured through laughter. It was that night where I found my life's philosophy, my purpose, my reason to spread awareness and the solutions to my fears of death-comedy.
Overall, great essay. Well-written with lots of specific details and totally on-topic. A few minor things:
"unnecessary percussion " Um, you played the drums unnecessarily in the hopes of avoiding injury? Perchance you mean "precaution?"
"or spontaneously combust" How exactly did you attempt to avoid this potentially dangerous activity? Or, as you said, "potentially dangerous actives."
"I just laid motionless in the pond" What exactly did you lay in the pond? Or do you mean that you "lay in the pond," which would imply that you were the one doing the lying. I know the two verbs can be confusing, but its lie, lay, lain, and lay, laid, laid.
As for shortening it, you have included a few details that add richness to the essay, but that are not strictly necessary, so you could just pick one of them and omit it. For instance, you could cut "I looked down at my body, and saw my appendages drooping like spaghetti. My limp noodle arms floated across the murky water, alongside the coy." Or, in the following excerpt, you have used two sentences to say pretty much the same thing: "My whole life, I have never been one to take many risks. I always saw myself as a quiet, introspective child, always taking unnecessary percussion to avoid injury." You could therefore get rid of one of those sentences.
...glazed with rain on the evening of...
His backyard was sprinkled...
floated across the murky water, among the coy...
Congratulations! You have a talent for this. Writing in a funny way, I mean. The "hard part of a rock" calls for one more sentence to make it make sense, to acknowledge or some how have fun with the funniness of referring to the "hard part" of a rock... one more comment about it or something, something about how you knew it was the hard part of that particular rock...
As for cutting out a sentence or two, you have to do it like cutting weak players off the team. It's sad and unfortunate, but they have to go! Stephen King calls it "killing your darlings," when you edit away things you have written.
Good luck!!!
