USC Supplement - My father is a goose

Please respond to one of the prompts below. (250 word limit)
What is something about yourself that is essential to understanding you?

It's wintertime. As the chilly breeze cuts through our thick coats, my sister and I try to shuffle along and get home before it gets any colder. The air is silent, with the normal sounds of bustling cars disappearing as the fathers stay at home to celebrate the holidays with their families. The silence is cut as the cry of a bird catches both of our attentions. The bird flies alone, presumably migrating and trying to find its home. As the lonely goose flies it's way south in search of where it belongs, I can tell from the somber look on my sister's eyes that both of us were only thinking about our father as we walked back together.

My father is a goose, part of a relatively unknown practice that many immigrant Korean families partake in. A gireogi appa, literally translating to English as "goose dad", is a father who works in South Korea to support his family and educate his kids who are living in a foreign nation. Just like geese who migrate thousands of miles to look for their home, there is a distance between every goose father and his loved ones that prevent them from seeing each other. Despite this, my father went through the hardship out of love, hoping that I would get a proper education. At those moments when I looked up into the sky and was reminded of my dad, I felt not only a moment of longing but also a feeling of determination. My father sacrificed his life for me. I wouldn't let his wish go to waste.

Hi, I thought this was fantastic. I can only make a few suggestions:

... normal sounds of bustling cars disappearing as the fathers stay at home to ... {this part makes it sound like the car sounds are disappearing as you listen - I know this is not what you mean}

... As the lonely goose flies [its] way south ... both of us were only thinking [only] about our father as we walked back together.

... and his loved ones that prevent[s ] them from seeing each other.

.... At those moments when I looked up into the sky and was reminded of my dad, I felt ... {I think present tense for this sentence and the next would work better here - in the past tense it sounds like your father is no longer a "goose dad" My father sacrificed his life for me. I wouldn't let his wish go to waste.