Hi all, here is the essay I wrote for University of Southern California. I'm also using it for my Common App to Loyola Marymount University, University of Miami, and Trinity University. Is it good? What can I do to improve it, not just by grammar, but by how well it is as a college essay?
Here's the prompt:
Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.
"Ey, look at my pictures."
I have nothing else to do; so, I look at the pictures that he took for his photography class. There are black and white pictures of some trees, a dining table, and a piano, but there is one picture I take a second look at. I do not even remember him taking this picture. It is a portrait of me, but there is something in this photo that breaks the pattern of my other past portraits: a genuine smile.
It was one long, hot day in the middle of summer. My friends and I were skateboarding and biking around. We were just relaxing in the city of [CITY], conversing with others around us. The sun was fading away, and it looked like time to get back home. Soon, we said our goodbyes and separated. I crossed the crosswalk and biked past the local McDonalds, going a little too fast on the sidewalk.
I remember my young teenage self. My other portraits have me either with a weak, fake smile, just to make my parents take the picture already, or with no smile at all. Looking back at those photos, I think, "What a kid." You could say that I was a nerd - an unconfident, skinny nerd - who liked to play video games hours on end. My brother always teased me about not having many friends, and it contributed to my unhappiness in life. I wanted to look better. I wanted to make more friends. I wanted to be happy. My actions were disapproved of by my parents, such as not going to church, fighting with my brother, or always saying bad words. I was acting selfish all the time. When I scratched my head, my fingers bumped into my invisible horns.
Biking on the sidewalk, I thought of the long way back home and a reenactment of the fun things I did that day. I approached yet another intersection. Bang! Before I knew it, I was lying on the road, and there was a searing pain that irritated my left foot. The only thought running inside my mind was, "Why is this guy doing this?" I thought this guy was doing a prank. I never thought this would happen to me. I got run-over by a car!
My parents walked into the emergency room and stood there with their mouths agape, looking at the red, wide open hole in my foot. My father saw my discomfort and immediately turned his head. I was in the most pain I have ever been in my life. Alas, I admitted it was my fault. I was going too fast on the sidewalk, and I should have looked both ways. How dumb was I! However, as the doctor mentioned, I was lucky. The situation should have been worse, considering that I was hit by a car. I walked out of the hospital with just stitches and a pair of crutches, not even one broken bone. This must somewhat have been a miracle.
The first, obvious lesson of this incident was: Be careful! However, after the damaging injury, I changed positively. I was more grateful to be alive. I thanked the people who helped me in an unusual time of need. I thanked the doctors, the nurses, and even the police, but there was one person I was especially glad to have helped me, one face I cannot make out: someone medically certified who ran out of his car to help me.
Later on, I became less selfish; something formed inside of me that also wants to help out the less fortunate people. I started becoming more involved for my future, especially in school, instead of just walking in and taking tests. One goal that I wanted to fulfill was to use my intelligence to benefit humanity. I became a more optimistic person, and as products of my happiness, I made more friends, and I looked better.
Looking at my portrait, I see a confident young adult who has changed shape over the years. I see someone who will become successful in life. There are two things that lighten up his smile: his white teeth, of course, and the light coming from the invisible halo resting atop his head.
"Ey, give me back my pictures."
[also, i would appreciate it if by the end of january that this thread is deleted, i don't want someone to plagiarise me! thanks]
-M.T.
Looking at my portrait, I see a confident, young adult who has changed shape over the years. I see someone who will become successful in life. There are two things that lighten up his smile: his white teeth, of course, and the light coming from the invisible halo resting atop his head.
"Ey, give me back my pictures."
Indeed, great story!!!!
