Hello, There,
This is the draft I have so far for my USC admission. Any comments and edits are greatly appreciated!
Promt: USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and
staff to reflect on their values, beliefs and motivations. Presenters talk
about choices they have made, difficulties encountered and commitments
solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that
helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
(500-700 words) 877 words
At the beginning of freshman year, I was pretty cocky. I had graduated from middle school and was now (in my naïve mind) in the big leagues. I thought that since I had become a lot more capable as a result of my experiences, I should push myself to ever-greater heights. Then, I remembered that I had heard quite a bit about a program that my friend had enrolled in before Young Marines, an organization that was the little brother of ROTC and funded by the Marine Corps. I knew that I wasn't very athletic at all, and thought that this would be a great time and opportunity to challenge myself physically. I was a relatively successful student already, and I believed balancing out my attributes, and getting out of my desk-chair-potato comfort zone would be a catalyst for success. During my time in the boot camp, I changed as I experienced overcoming the proverbial hump: I suffered through the exhausting climb up, felt relief and triumph surmounting the crest, and felt encouraged, proud, and a sense of camaraderie with my fellow recruits by the end of the experience.
In the beginning, I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into. The best part of the day was the introductory presentation, at the end of which the drill instructors promptly began flipping over tables and bawling at us to move onto the parade ground; the day only deteriorated from there, culminating in my experience of performing calisthenics in knee deep mud with five drill instructors and one marine chewing me out. Miserable would be an understatement. I was hard pressed to handle the intense physicality of the training, the heat of the scorching sun, and the merciless ministrations of the drill instructors. One of my classmates who had joined me in this challenge dropped out after the first day. In fact, we lost almost half of the class after the first day, and recruits dropped out one by one, week after week, until the most determined of recruits remained.
Eventually, I found out that, despite what the instructors claimed, the recruits remaining were not hopelessly weak mentally and physically. Sure, I (and quite a few others) almost cried, and we all griped and moaned to our parents, but the remaining recruits did not give up. A group of leaders appeared among us. The youngest (age 8), for instance, proved to be a shining example of just how much someone can improve, despite personal issues (he had ADD). I encouraged the other recruits to keep going by offering some of the only positive reinforcement they would hear: reminding them of the sense of satisfaction they could feel when they reached the end of the program, and that they had already endured some of the worst that the instructors could throw at them and thus obviously could continue to endure. I also galvanized them on short term objectives, such as pushing them to continue on runs when they felt like they could not, and guided them through studying the material required on the written and verbal tests. As I stood on the parade ground one day, with bloody knees from a particularly hard fall, I realized that I no longer dreaded attending the program and had begun to actually enjoy the struggle and friendships with my fellow recruits.
Graduation on one sunny Saturday was one of the most triumphant moments of my life. I had been weighed on the scales, and had been found acceptable. At first, the graduation requirements were overwhelming, yet by the end. I, along with the remaining graduating core of the recruits had passed through every requirement set before us such as 50 push ups, 75 sit ups, and diving from a 30 feet tower, despite the fact that in the beginning, asking some recruits for 20 push ups was equivalent to requesting rooster teeth. The class had weathered the harsh words and the harsher edicts of the drill instructors, and though some tears and blood was shed, the class had stuck together and served as mentors and cheerleaders to each other. We, who had served as the impromptu leaders of the class, were awarded commendations, and earned promotions to the rank of Private First Class immediately upon graduation.
After this trial, I was more determined, more confident, and more mature than I was before. Of course, it was painful and sometimes, during experiences like extended marches, I regretted my decision to apply. However, surviving eight weeks of the most taxing combination of physical and mental stress I have ever known made me a different person, one who could look at situations and say, "I've been through worse, and I can get through this, and can help others find success." This perseverance that this program has taught me will serve me well in the rigorous studies relating not only to political science but also subjects in which I am less skilled, such as mathematics. My experience in fostering cooperation and leveraging that massed effort will help ensure the academic and social success of my peers and I as well. After all, one will have enormous difficulties in the future without diplomacy and USC would be a fine place for me to start practicing that.
I had been weighed on the scales and had been found acceptable. At first, the graduation requirements were overwhelming, yet by the end I, along with the remaining graduating core of ...
This is a place to use "had been"
After this trial, I was more determined, more confident, and more mature than I was had been before.
And, use a comma to help organize a compound sentence:
After all, one will have enormous difficulties in the future without diplomacy, and USC would be a fine place for me to start practicing that.
