Hi. I'm new here, so i hope i do this right.
***In the USC essay, i removed certain words about this condition I have that I would prefer not to be floating around the internet. e**** and ____ are basically replacing those words. I'll put them back in when I submit the application
USC essay: THOMAS EDISON FAILED MANY TIMES BEFORE SUCCESSFULLY INVENTING THE MODERN LIGHT BULB. HE SAID, "IF I FIND 10K WAYS SOMETHING DOESN'T WORK, I HAVEN'T FAILED..." REFLECT ON A CHALLENGE YOU OVERCAME THROUGH PERSISTANCE.
" It's summer vacation between fourth and fifth grades. I'm sitting on the arm of a couch, watching T.V., when suddenly I collapse. Several possibilities arise as to why I collapsed- was it so hot I fainted? Did someone push me over? Did I slip and fall? No, I had a _____. When I awoke in the hospital with my mom crying by my side, the doctors informed me that I had been diagnosed with e*****, a _____ disorder. My life was never the same.
Not too long after, I displayed a _____ at school. I then became shunned as the "crazy fainting girl". Since I went to a small K-8 elementary school, word spread fast and I was teased, ridiculed, and isolated. I was muted and silenced- verbally oppressed, I call it. I turned against my classmates, because I felt them turn against me. I ended up spending many hours doing things by myself- reading, writing, drawing, and, a few months after that first _____, learning to play the piano. Everything in my elementary/middle school years felt like a haze, a blur of humiliating memories I would like to hide forever. Even the plays I starred in, and the fine arts award at my 8th grade graduation felt meaningless because no one my age was there to celebrate honestly. I couldn't wait for high school because no one would know me; no one would know my problem or prejudge me based on it. It was a beacon of hope.
The first thing I did during a break period in high school was something I would never have done before- I just sat down in front of someone who was alone and began to introduce myself. This was new, this was exhilarating. Clinging onto the belief that no one here knew anything that happened in my old school was what kept me happy for a while. I didn't realize that this belief was just an excuse to hide from my condition. Then in my junior year, I partnered up with a friend to win 2nd place in the music category of my school talent show. In my freshman and sophomore years when I tried to enter the talent show by myself, I was never successful. Hiding behind the curtain while the judges announced the winners of the category after music, I wondered why things worked when I was with another person. Was it because of my friend? Was it because I wasn't trying to win for once? Was it because I was going with the flow and not fighting a useless current? I noticed that this achievement had authenticity at its core. If I made something up solely for the purpose of winning, it would not work. If I made it based off of pure thoughts and feelings, I would succeed. Non-selfish ideas work out best, and thus much last longer.
That first _____ changed the course of my life. It made me want to hide from everyone, to hide from myself, and to dislike myself. So why did I suddenly open up in high school? I figured it must have been because I was tired of hiding and running. Hide-and-seek with e***** was getting tiring. So I faced it with activities that the old me would never do. In fact, I still do that everywhere- at the skating rink, in summer camps, at conventions. I became the seeker. "
NYU Short answers:
Write a haiku, limerick, or short (eight lines or less) poem that best represents you
Don't you feel like you're falling; from the sky to the ground
No one hears your calling; It's shallow yet profound
Rather than downwards; I want to ascend high
Feeling the glory; Of my full-length wings
I want to fly; straight into the sky
Nobody's gonna stop me; I won't let them try
Tears streaming down; won't lower my ground
Cause I want to rise and fly
In the year 2050, a movie is being made about your life. Please tell us the name of your movie and briefly summarize the story line.
"Hide and Seek" - Disease. Loneliness. Triumph. The world [my real name] lives in as she tries to face down her epilepsy is these things and more. Watch as this young lady falls from grace as she attempts to hide her problems with epilepsy, but grows to fight back and be cured.
Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college and what interests you most about your intended discipline.
My parents weren't very adequate in English when I was in elementary school. So, when I was little, every weekend they would take me to the library in hopes of improving both their English and mine at the same time. Once I was old enough to understand what books I was actually checking out, I began writing. If I turn to the right and look at my bookshelf right now, I have two shelves full of scrap paper stapled, taped, or glued together. They aren't actually scrap paper though- they are paper picture books that I've handwritten or drawn in my free time in third through seventh grades. If I turn to the left, I have a closet. Inside that closet, there is a shoebox full of notebooks. These, however, happen to be diaries, journals, and travelogues that I've kept since fifth grade. If I opened the another USB drive I have linked to my key lanyard, I would find three folders full of short stories, novellas, and poems I've written since eighth grade. These all happen to be samples of writing I've sketched up in my spare time. My favorite classes were always English in middle school, and I loved writing for the newspaper in high school. I even got poems published in a couple anthologies. If I look back in my old kindergarten worksheets with topics such as "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I realized they should all have been an author. I even remember saying that one day in fourth grade. My lifelong interest in writing and creating is something that I hope I can continue on in secondary education and further.
Thank you! Any assistance would be appreciated, especially regarding grammar, diction, flow, etc. etc.
In case you didn't know, the NYU supplements are 500 characters (with spaces)so you have a lot of shortening to do
yah, the NYU are only 500. So you will have to do a lot of shortening on your last NYU prompt. I think you did okay on that one... but you only talked about why you wanted to become a writer, and never explained why NYU is the best school for you. also there's a few minor things that could be edited:
So, when I was little, every weekend
cut out "when i was little" that's a given, you said you were in elementary school already.
They aren't actually scrap paper though- they are paper picture books that I've handwritten or drawn in my free time in third through seventh grades.
cut out "though" and "third through seventh". tmi, plus you don't have room for it
These all happen to be samples of writing I've sketched up in my spare time.
Replace "happen" with "are", it's stronger
i liked your poem though.
thank you!
does anyone have anything [to say] about the usc essay?
Hello :) Your USC essay is great!
However there are minor changes that should be made:
It's summer vacation between fourth and fifth grades .
Grades should be grade. Say it outloud, it'll help.
Also for the blanks, it was hard to tell you what to do because i do not know what illness you suffered from.
That first _____ changed the course of my life.
i have a few suggestions: sector of childhood, experience (you need to be specific with this line.)
Hope this helps!
Can you help me with mine? Any minor editations will be appreciated!
"Disease. Loneliness. Triumph. The world [my real name] lives "
i thinkthere is punctuation problems with that
otherwise, i loved your poem! it was beautiful and i liked your use of semicolons and rhythm (=
oh haha, the semicolons were only there because original version was the sixteen line chorus of song i wrote so i had to shorten it.
just curious, what do you guys find so good about the poem???
@spacerelay : that underscore/line was actually one of the removed words about my medical condition so i dont need to fix it :D
I then became shunned as the "crazy fainting girl". I became known as the crazy fainting girl.
I love your poem. It tells a lot about you as a person.
In your movie, specify an exact challenge you are trying to overcome. I know its hard thinking into the future but can't you use a previous challenge you have faced in epilepsy? Your USC essay will not be read by NYU so make sure to give as much info about the challenges you faced. Nothing is more dull than saying "She tries to hide her epilepsy". Who are you hiding it from? A boyfriend you got involved with but did not tell about your epileptic seizures? Maybe an employer? Maybe a close friend? Be specific, show NYU who YOU ARE.
Hey, can you please critique my common app essay?
USC app - activity, academic interests, and main essay
i'm going to submit it tomorrow night (even tho the deadline is next week) so any help is appreciated! this time i'm not censuring out my illness in the full essay, so pleease don't talk about this essay elsewhere ><
1.Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why. Please feel free to talk about an activity other than one you may have discussed in your essay.
I step back from my 3-hour long creation: a two-and-a-half foot long mushroom canon, consisting of 2 cylindrical white-pocka-dotted purple cushions, sewn together by hand, and wrapped completely by three lengthy strips of white cloth. This was the final component to my cosplay for Ururu Tsumugiya. As the president of my school's Japanese Animation Club, I'm in charge of coming up with activities for them. Last year, however, I changed the course of the club from watching shows every lunch time, to planning out costumes and skits for conventions. Cosplaying, however, is not the first time I've performed in costume. Since sixth grade, I've held lead roles in school plays, exerting the necessity to envelope myself within a different person. Transforming into someone else using looks and actions is something I'm rather comfortable doing, so that part of cosplaying was easy to get used to. On the other hand, cosplaying properly required me to come up with my own costumes and skits. Although I am still inept at replicating costumes, I still find enjoyment being on stage and performing.
2. 2. Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.
The first thing I noticed about the Anna Bing Arnold Plaza was the octangular fountain with a hole in it. I thought: wow, this is the most creative fountain I've ever seen- inside-out! When I visited USC on free time during AX 2009, I wanted to check it out to make sure it was somewhere I really would want to go. According to my beliefs, I wanted to go to somewhere that provokes creativity, artistic expression, and above all, words, lots of words. I love analyzing literature till it lay thread-bare or writing something so complex it doesn't make sense; the same way I would do it with music. While I generally don't compose music myself, finding pieces to learn ...
How should I finish off about English and music and USC?
Thomas Edison failed many times before successfully inventing the modern... Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence.
It's summer vacation between fourth and fifth grades. I'm sitting on the arm of a couch, watching T.V., when suddenly I collapse. Several possibilities arise as to why I collapsed- was it so hot I fainted? Did someone push me over? Did I slip and fall? No, I had a seizure. When I awoke in the hospital with my mom crying by my side, the doctors informed me that I had been diagnosed with epilepsy, a seizure disorder. My life was never the same.
Not too long after, I displayed a seizure at school. I then became shunned as the "crazy fainting girl". Since I went to a small K-8 elementary school, word spread fast and I was teased, ridiculed, and isolated. I was muted and silenced- verbally oppressed, I call it. I turned against my classmates, because I felt them turn against me. I ended up spending many hours doing things by myself- reading, writing, drawing, and, a few months after that first seizure, learning to play the piano. Everything in my elementary/middle school years felt like a haze, a blur of humiliating memories I would like to hide forever. Even the plays I starred in, and the fine arts award at my 8th grade graduation felt meaningless because no one my age was there to celebrate honestly. I couldn't wait for high school because no one would know me; no one would know my problem or prejudge me based on it. It was a beacon of hope.
The first thing I did during a break period in high school was something I would never have done before- I just sat down in front of someone who was alone and began to introduce myself. This was new, this was exhilarating. Clinging onto the belief that no one here knew anything that happened in my old school was what kept me happy for a while. I didn't realize that this belief was just an excuse to hide from my condition. Then in my junior year, I partnered up with a friend to win 2nd place in the music category of my school talent show. In my freshman and sophomore years when I tried to enter the talent show by myself, I was never successful. Hiding behind the curtain while the judges announced the winners of the category after music, I wondered why things worked when I was with another person. Was it because of my friend? Was it because I wasn't trying to win for once? Was it because I was going with the flow and not fighting a useless current? I noticed that this achievement had authenticity at its core. If I made something up solely for the purpose of winning, it would not work. If I made it based off of pure thoughts and feelings, I would succeed. Non-selfish ideas work out best, and thus much last longer.
That first seizure changed the course of my life. It made me want to hide from everyone, to hide from myself, and to dislike myself. So why did I suddenly open up in high school? I figured it must have been because I was tired of hiding and running. Hide-and-seek with epilepsy was getting tiring. So I faced it with activities that the old me would never do. In fact, I still do that everywhere- at the skating rink, in summer camps, at conventions. I became the seeker.
darnit! i can't go edit my post but whatevs.
anyways, i hope i can get some really critical, simon cowell-like critiques.
wait... does my third essay answer the prompt???
Are you talking about the essay about epilepsy? It will answer the prompt if you end the first or second paragraph with a sentence that clearly says you entered high school with adversity that took the form of an inability to feel confident around your peers.
That way, when you talk about going over to that kid and talking to her, it does answer the prompt.
Fix this run on sentence: This was new -- and it felt exhil arating.
Don't tell the reader it is a seizure disorder; the reader knows epilepsy is a seizure disorder.
sorry, I'm no Simon Kowel, ha ha.
