Writing an USC Transfer Essay. Please help, any comments/suggestions is greatly appreciated!
USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
ESSAY 2#: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it. (I need to cut down a few words since it's over 300 words)
Imagine being enveloped by clear, aqua currents with vibrant life, feeling light and free. That's how I felt scuba diving for the first time in the beautiful Bunaken Islands in Indonesia. The wonders of nature left me at awe and left a major imprint in my life actions. I became an ardent supporter of the environment and was driven to involve myself in activities that improve the environment.
My interest in the environment and American politics has led me to take action in the nation's capital. Interning in Washington, DC as part of the Sophomore Exploration program at The Washington Center last summer was a big step that I took towards achieving my goals. My responsibility as a legislative intern in Environment America involved researching, lobbying and campaigning for better transportation policies that would improve overall community life. My efforts led to the Capitol Building steps, where we anxiously awaited the voting results of the Climate Change bill. Celebration filled the air as the bill passed, making it the first most comprehensive climate change policy ever considered and passed by Congress. To be able to be a part of that groundbreaking moment in American history was life changing and inspired me to take actions in my passions.
The knowledge gained from Washington, DC contributed to me being elected as the Associate Director of Student Legislative Affairs at my college's Student Government. As an active leader of 37,000 students, I serve and represent them in government in key higher education issues. Leading a nine member team, we work collectively to raise student awareness and support on higher education matters, as well as advocating to specific state legislators. Understanding how legislation works and having experienced how to lead grassroots campaigns, has greatly helped me my efforts to promote political civic engagement at my campus.
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Does it fully answer the question? I think the conclusion is kind of weak.
Judging from the essay prompt, i doubt you have to relate your essay to your academic interest.
Thought id just point that out, in case you may consider revisiting your essay and redoing it.
thanks for your suggestion! i'm struggling with it because it seems a little forced. i'm currently writing a new one.
You haven't specified what matters to you - is it having a voice, the environment, politics, making a change, social impact?
That hasn't come out through the essay. Most people make the mistake of reading just the last bit of the prompt - describe an event - and miss out on the original prompt - what matters to you. The event is to explain how you learned what is important rather than an event per se. Try and bring out more strongly what it is that matters to you.
"Heritage and Political Science" UW Transfer Essay
I would love your help, any comments/suggestions is greatly appreciated. :) Here is the prompt:
Academic History
- Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.
Explain any situations that may have had a significant positive or negative impact on your academic progress and or curricular choices. If you transferred multiple times, had a significant break in your education, or changed career paths, explain.
What are the specific reasons you wish to leave your most recent college/university and/or program of study?
Your Major and/or Career Goals
- Tell us about your intended major and career aspirations.
Are you prepared to enter your intended major at this time? If not, describe your plans for preparing for the major. What led you to choose this major? If you are still undecided, why? What type of career are you most likely to pursue after finishing your education?
How will the UW help you attain your academic, career, and/or personal goals?
Cultural Understanding
Thoughtfully describe the ways in which culture has had an impact on your life and what you have learned about yourself and society as a result. How has your own cultural history enriched and/or challenged you? NOTE: Culture may be defined broadly. Cultural understanding is often drawn from the ethnic background, customs, values, and ideas of a person's immediate family, community, and/or social environment in which they live.
Experiential Learning (if applicable)
Describe your involvement in research, community service, artistic endeavors, and work (paid or volunteer), and the ways in which it has contributed to your academic, career or personal goals.
I was raised in Jakarta, Indonesia, but I really grew up all over the world. From a young age, my parents have always encouraged me to travel and explore the world. My childhood memories were filled with climbing the Great Wall of China, bargaining in the traditional markets of Thailand and snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef. Being surrounded with different cultures, traditions and beliefs at such a young age has developed me into a person who values and respects diversity. Growing up as an ethnic minority in Indonesia, however, was not without challenges. When I was eight years old, our president's downfall led to our country's economic collapse, erupting mass protests around the nation. The native Indonesians' riots grew violent and began targeting the Chinese-Indonesians and their businesses. I remember seeing walls marked with "Milik Pribumi" (owned by the native Indonesians), mass fights in streets and women abused. Going to school grew increasingly difficult, and my ...
after edits:
My first brush with politics occurred when I was eight years old in my home country of Indonesia. At that time, our president's downfall led to our country's economic collapse, erupting mass protests around the nation. The native Indonesians' riots grew violent and began targeting the Chinese-Indonesians and their businesses. I remember seeing walls marked with "Milik Pribumi" (owned by the natives), mass fights in the streets and women abused. My class in school became smaller, as one by one my friends had to flee the country for their safety. Soon it was too dangerous for me to go to school anymore.
The days that followed caused thousands of casualties, burning of buildings and widespread bigotry. As a Chinese-Indonesian, I didn't feel hatred towards the native Indonesians. The turbulent experience further motivated me to better understand the relationship between politics and community. The event sparked my interest in learning more about the influence of political actors and actions, and what could be improved to better handle critical issues in the future. I see Political Science as an opportunity to develop my ability to discern and analyze emerging problems to form innovative solutions that would help my overall community.
I believe that Political Science is a step forward to my life aspiration of becoming a future international lawyer. The communicative, analytical and political knowledge gained from studying Political Science will be beneficial in represent people and issues that I deeply care about. Ultimately, I would love to the actor and voice of change in hopes of elevating people's lives.
Wow, this certainly is an amazing experience and makes for an incredible essay. I wish you the best and I hope to offer some sort of help.
The days that followedbrought caused thousands of casualties, burning of buildings and widespread bigotry.
The chaotic experience further motivated me to have a better understanding of the relationship between politics and community.
I see Political Science as an opportunity to gain knowledge about public policy and to help better contribute to my community as an international lawyer.
I saw moving to America and attending community college as a great opportunity to work towards achieving my aspirations, while growing more as a person.
Overall, it's very strong, wonderfully written, and I can tell it's very personal. I commend your for your second-to-last paragraph because it's the only instance where you take something very specific and expand on its overall influence. The first two paragraphs were definitely necessary and strong and provided good background but the one after (starting with "I have begun working") is weak to me. You need to show rather than say. Of course they expect that if you want to be an international lawyer or if you attended such a conference, you would "opened my eyes to current global issues and developed my analytical thinking in generating solutions...enriched my understanding of international problems, increased my awareness of the significance of collaboration and most importantly, taught me how important it is to have a voice." What I mean is, all those things you said are very general. Of course they are true to you but they're so general that they would expect that of you since you're saying that political science is your passion. You have to have all those things already. You need to bring a new voice to it or take a real specific time when you were challenged to think and you used your skills and your passions for some solution or something. Show, don't tell. :)
Anyway, much luck! I think as it is, it's very strong so I hope I don't sound too critical. I just know you want to offer the best essay you can. ^_^
...person who values and respects diversity.----------Right after this sentence, I think you should give a "thesis statement" that conveys the whole meaning of the essay, the real message you want to send. State the main theme in a sentence, and then end that first paragraph. Then, start to tell the story in paragraph 2:
Growing up as an ethnic minority in Indonesia however was not without challenges. ...
let's not say "my" twice in a row:
My involvement and successes in Student Government has shown me that we can make a difference in our communities....
My accomplishments in Bellevue College has readied me to venture into a new environment with a fresh set of challenges and opportunities.
:-)
Thank you everyone for your kind help! :) I would love your assistance on my grammar and if I have answered the prompts correctly in my next essays. It's shorter with similar elements to previous essays.
The communicative, analytical and political knowledge available in the study of Political Science will be beneficial when representing people and issues that I deeply care about. Ultimately, I would love to be the actor and voice of change in hopes of elevating people's lives.
That first one is very impressive.
The second one looks like it needs one more sentence added to the end of the first paragraph.
also:
The knowledge I gained in Washington, DC contributed to my election as the Associate Director of Student Legislative Affairs at my college's Student Government.
