Please help critique my essay for applying to University of Florida. I feel like it needs help on the ending about how i would use my experience for UF, but I am running low on word count. I am really nervous about applying so any help would be greatly appreciated! (: Thanks.
Prompt: In the spaces provided, please describe a meaningful event, experience, or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community.
Careful not to rip the letter, I anxiously opened the envelope. Pulling out the tri-folded letter my eyes quickly roamed the paper in search of a name. There, at the top of the page in big bold letters, it read "Christine Stanley age 65." My heart instantly sank. I had been hoping to be matched with a young girl, someone I could relate with. "How was I supposed to take on the role of feeding, clothing, and providing one on one care for a 65 year old lady?" I asked myself, "We would have nothing in common."
These thoughts proceeded to overwhelm my head the following months up until the day eventually came. After waiting patiently in front of the camp building, a midnight blue Honda Accord drove up to the curb. It was Christine's. From behind the door appeared a petite, endearing lady with an ecstatic expression written across her face. As I started approaching Christine and her caretaker to introduce myself, I was overcome with an eager hug from her. I didn't even know this lady, yet she was so excited to see me.
Christine was like no one I had ever met. Just being in her presence brightened up the room. She was diagnosed with mental retardation where she had problems with learning and developing. Even though she had problems, it didn't affect the way we treated each other. After only the first hour of being with her, I could feel something beginning to stir inside of me; a feeling I wasn't familiar with. It was very difficult taking care of Christine. She couldn't participate in most of the activities due to her old age, but it didn't stop her from brightening up everyone's day. Christine loved everyone. Because she was so outgoing and friendly, we were constantly making new friends and it forced me to step outside of my comfort zone. Not once did she complain or become selfish; she constantly wanted to make sure everyone else was all right before herself.
It wasn't until the final night at camp, when something changed within me. While waiting for our dinner to be served, Christine turned to me and whispered, "I love you McKenzie. I don't want to leave you." I was completely caught off guard by this. The feeling consistently tugging at my heart throughout the week became completely exposed. Tears came pouring down my face and I felt as if my heart was torn open for everyone to see. I came to the realization that night how much one person and an experience can change your life. I know Christine and I were matched together for a reason. I originally signed up to help with the intentions that I would be affecting someone's life, when in reality Christine affected me.
"As I started approaching Christine and her caretaker to introduce myself, I was overcome with an eager hug from her"- I don't think overcome is the right word, you're generally not overcome with something physical. You're overcome with emotion.
I know you're running out of words, but in the beginning you might want to explain what kind of program you're in. I didn't realize it was a camp until the end.
also, my essay ended up being more than 500 words for UF, and it still fit. So just write what you need to and see if it fits. They do it by characters not words.
Like the other person said, you don't really relate back to how this experience will affect you in college. That's not hard; just add a sentence about how it made you more open minded and you'll be able to make more friends or something like that.
