Generally this essay was supposed to be about describing myself, but i realized i had to incorporate the RU topic in.
Topic: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences.
I open the front door to my house and instantly I feel a change in atmosphere: depression, consternation, and apprehension. I hear screams, cries, and hysteria. I want to turn around, but I shouldn't. I can't because this is the reality of my life, so I take a step in. I see my mother crying on the floor, my father screaming out his lungs, my brother ripping up the unpaid bills, and through all this mess, I see the jigsaw puzzle that I have been working on dispersed all over the floor. Now, I am infuriated. This puzzle is not just a solvable contrivance, but pieces of my life's work and experiences. Despite the ongoing pandemonium, I kneel down and try to refigure my life.
Luckily, I see three pieces attached. Each piece allows me to reminisce about the memories, relationships, and experiences I had in the three different high schools I attended. Each school consisted of vast ethnicities and cultures that not only diversified my educational experience, but allowed me to understand and familiarize myself with the quintessence of society through interaction. I further add to the three pieces with others. I pick up a broken piece and remember the early times of my pursuit to a football career, but it was abstained with a knee-injury. Another piece begins to sing the memories of my involvement in select chorus and men's choir in one of the best music programs of the state. Other pieces begin to easily attach to the figure of my multifaceted high school career.
Now, I look at a group of pieces imagining a horrifying final image, my childhood. I reach for the pieces, but my hand begins to tremble; I'm a nervous wreck. I take a deep breath and begin to recall the countless times of cries and hysteria in what is supposed to be known as the 'family' house, our house. My mother is packing her clothes and my father is on the couch unemotional, just lifeless. I'm just a little boy wondering how my family and my life would turn out. Ten years later I'm hysterical in the back seat of a police car while intoxicated, but I can focus on the ongoing hardships of my life. This is the piece I want to throw away or even replace, but without it, my masterpiece will be incomplete. So I look at it, without regret, but change.
I can't say I've been through it all, but I've been through countless lifelong experiences. Despite the recurring hardships I enabled myself to focus on the objective: to extend my limits. I have just incorporated my life into this jigsaw puzzle. It is sincere, but incomplete with countless missing pieces. New experiences, people, and knowledge will contribute to this masterpiece. I feel relieved and only hear peace. My family is gazing in my life's work from behind.
Hi Alex,
I think the key to this essay is getting a better handle on the puzzle analogy. You walk into your home and see your family life as fragmented--but they are only one part of your whole story. Perhaps the noise fades away, and as you piece together the puzzle, you achieve a stronger sense of clarity. Even the most troubling 'pieces' are necessary to complete the picture, and capture all of the events and forces that have shaped you.
I think your conclusion can do a better job at bringing your essay full circle and providing a sense of cohesion:
"I can't say I've been through it all, but I've been through countless lifelong experiences. Despite the recurring hardships I enabled myself to focus on the objective: to extend my limits. I have just incorporated my life into this jigsaw puzzle. It is sincere, but incomplete with countless missing pieces. New experiences, people, and knowledge will contribute to this masterpiece. I feel relieved and only hear peace. My family is gazing in my life's work from behind."
What happens to the sounds of your family at this point--is this the 'peace' that you describe? Maybe put the jigsaw puzzle analogy aside, and try to be less abstract and more concrete. I think you 'almost get there' with this conclusion, but you can develop it in order to anchor your essay and make your writing more accessible. I'd love to hear more about how you make sense of your life experiences, and how you extend your limits--or why you extend your limits.
Just a few thoughts. I like the puzzle motif, but just be sure that it works for you and not against you--and serves as a springboard for your analysis in your conclusion.
All best,
Janson
Ivy Eyes Editing
firstly, i'd like to say thanks for the reply. First i was assigned to write a college essay in english class; thus, i got the idea for the puzzle analogy. Then, i realized that i have to write one based on the rutgers topic so i tried to incorporate the two. What i mean't about the 'peace' is that my family is usually at[i] peace b/c of my working efforts despite all the hardships. They look at me and i guess i bring a sense of hope for the family's cohesion. I know that in a college essay, one should [i]show instead of tell,but i don't have any idea n how i should show this. This was a rough draft so it is unfinished, thus, i want to add more. The topic is based on diversity. I'm really unsure in what else i can say about diversity. Any suggestions would be great. thanks again.
Yes, it's hard when they give you a topic like this and challenge you to write about a particular concept. The trick is to write about diversity from the perspective of a professional from your chosen field. So, if you are going to be a psych major, you can write about how a diverse student boy -- which represents many cultures -- can enhance your perspective on human nature and the mind. Seeing life through the lens of another culture can give you new perspectives that help in any field -- politics, medicine, business (especially business!).
If you write about the importance of diversity for someone going into your chosen field, it reinforces how committed you are to your life plan. Most people are not ruthless enough to deny someone admission when that person has a life plan all figured out!
You write beautifully, so enjoy it. Be grateful for your sense of rhythm and form.
