prompt: write about an experience that helped you learn what is important for you and why it is important.
I want a strong conclusion paragraph!!! need help, how to improve???
and the introductory paragraph too...???
any corrections regarding ideas, grammar are welcomed.
I'm alive
It was a usual family dinner. After a few minutes my mother started her narrative and brother said "Mom, please, it is not the time to talk about such a thing". The others, including my father and grandma, had given up because they already knew that Mom would enthusiastically keep telling these stories because she had a listener, a passionate and involved listener, who had forgotten about dinner and was imagining, trying to combine details told before. The only listener interested in her story was me; and the story was about how a woman, unable to have a child, moved to Japan, got married and finally had a child. All these stories were just like interesting movies for me. My mom was a doctor in an ambulance in the small city Taldykorgan. Even though I heard about different incidents, life stories and diseases from her, I hadn't felt what the heroes of mother's stories felt, and I hadn't seen what they saw until I got to the Taldykorgan city Surgical Hospital.
My family enjoyed the summer swimming and fishing at lake Balkhash, one of the tourism centers in South Kazakhstan. Some hours after we arrived home, I felt a pain in the abdomen. Mother quickly assured me that it was just stomach flu. By the end of the day it was intolerable, and when I described it as a pain, slowly moving from the top down to the right side of my stomach she took me to the hospital. Already going to burst out, it was appendicitis in the last stage of development. The doctor mumbled something to my mother and said, turning to me, "Get undressed and lie on the stretcher. You have to be operated immediately. " It was the first surgery I faced, therefore, I wasn't ready psychologically; my hands were shaking, eyes were almost full of salty-water, all problems I had before - the United National Testing, a group project - abruptly weren't important to me anymore. Then I saw mom crying and fell on the floor.
I didn't memorize anything happened to me during, before and after the operation. The first thing that came to my was memory was that I unconsciously kicked a nurse, who was trying to eject medication into my veins. Barely moving my head and hands, I did my best to rise from the bed, but after the first attempt I realized it was impossible. The doctor explained that the operation took quite long since the appendix had already blown out and there was also a cyst, which the he noticed in time and cut off while cutting the appendix. All nutrients I received were delivered by a drop counter and the first sip of water, which weighed exactly 100 grams, I got in 15 hours after the surgery. The doctor told me, "The next 100 grams you will get after six hours." I complained, "No! How could you do that? I will die!", for what he answered, "Dear, you could have died if you came an hour later to the hospital yesterday night..." I was in shock and I was lucky. When my family came to my room, I saw my father's face and it had strangely changed. His skin became black, eyes were like there was a pair of dumbbells hanging on them and I felt like it was him, not me, who had an operation.
Having spent over a month in the hospital, I met people with more severe health issues than mine. There was nothing to do in the hospital, except eating, reading or conversing with other patients. We became a sort of a community, where nobody rushed; every person had enough time to tell the circumstances that had brought him/her there. Never before was I told so many different life incidents and health complications. Those hospital days altered some of my views toward life and things I valued. All I complained about before whether it was my body shape or financial difficulties of my family now suddenly seemed to be far less severe than the adversity I overcame. Nothing can be equal to the value of one's life and health. One can get a lot in his life - the glory, a well-paid job, good friends and love; but once he has a risk losing it, all those values will disappear. How banally it sounds, all things we hold today are material objects, therefore, we can gain them. It's a personal choice how to spend the life and what to do during its existence, but the truth that he/she has life and health is the most significant fact that matters.
After a few minutes my mother started her narrative and brother said "Mom, please, it is not the time to talk about such a thing".
You should add a comma before 'and'
The others, including my father and grandma, had given up because they already knew that Mom would enthusiastically keep telling these stories because she had a listener, a passionate and involved listener, who had forgotten about dinner and was imagining, trying to combine details told before.
I think the sentence is too long. 'The others, including my father and grandma, had given up (what?). Mom would ...because she had a passionate listener who....
The only listener interested in her story was me; and the story was about how a woman, unable to have a child, moved to Japan, got married and finally had a child.
Replace the semicolon with a comma
the story was about a infertile woman moving to Japan, getting married and ...having a child.
All these stories were just like interesting movies for me. My mom was a doctor in an ambulance in the small city Taldykorgan. Even though I heard about different incidents, life stories and diseases from her, I hadn't felt what the heroes of mother's stories felt, and I hadn't seen what they saw until I got to the Taldykorgan city Surgical Hospital.
My family enjoyed the summer swimming and fishing at lake Balkhash, one of the tourism centers in South Kazakhstan. Some hours after we arrived home, I felt a pain in the abdomen. Mother quickly assured me that it was just stomach flu. By the end of the day it was intolerable, and when I described it as a pain, slowly moving from the top down to the right side of my stomach she took me to the hospital.
What do you mean by 'I described it as a pain'? You had said ' I felt a pain'.
Already going to burst out, it was appendicitis in the last stage of development. The doctor mumbled something to my mother and said, turning to me, "Get undressed and lie on the stretcher. You have to be operated immediately. " It was the first surgery I faced, therefore, I wasn't ready psychologically; my hands were shaking, eyes were almost full of salty-water, all problems I had before - the United National Testing, a group project - abruptly weren't important to me anymore.
Since it was the first surgery I face, I was not....
With shaking hands, I cried. (clearer)
Suddenly, all my previous problems....were not important to me anymore.
Then I saw mom crying and fell on the floor.I didn't memorize anything happened to me during, before and after the operation. The first thing that came to my was memory was that I unconsciously kicked a nurse, who was trying to eject medication into my veins.
Nothing left on my mind except that I had unconsciously kicked....I made them more concise.
Barely moving my head and hands, I did my best to rise from the bed, but after the first attempt I realized it was impossible.
Sentence, too long. .... I tried to get up, but after the....
The doctor explained that the operation took quite long since the appendix had already blown out and there was also a cyst, which the he noticed in time and cut off while cutting the appendix.
...had already blown out. Also, he noticed the cyst and cut it off in time.
All nutrients I received were delivered by a drop counter and the first sip of water, which weighed exactly 100 grams, I got in 15 hours after the surgery.
Use active voice. I received nutrients from a drop counter. I don't follow your idea about the rest of the sentence.
The doctor told me, "The next 100 grams you will get after six hours." I complained, "No! How could you do that? I will die!", for what he answered, "Dear, you could have died if you came an hour later to the hospital yesterday night..."
For what he answered=> However, he answered
I was in shock and I was lucky.
I felt shocked yet lucky.
When my family came to my room, I saw my father's face and it had strangely changed. His skin became black, eyes were like there was a pair of dumbbells hanging on them and I felt like it was him, not me, who had an operation.
I saw that my father's face changed. His skin darkened, and his eyes were like a pair of dumbbells. I felt as though...
Having spent over a month in the hospital, I met people with more severe health issues than mine. There was nothing to do in the hospital, except eating, reading or conversing with other patients. We became a sort of a community, where nobody rushed; every person had enough time to tell the circumstances that had brought him/her there.
where nobody rushed . (I think that's enough)
Never before was I told so many different life incidents and health complications. Those hospital days altered some of my views toward life and things I valued. All I complained about before whether it was my body shape or financial difficulties of my family now suddenly seemed to be far less severe than the adversity I overcame.
add a comma before 'whether' and same after 'family'
Nothing can be equal to the value of one's life and health. One can get a lot in his life - the glory, a well-paid job, good friends and love; but once he has a risk losing it, all those values will disappear. How banally it sounds, all things we hold today are material objects, therefore, we can gain them.
How banal it sounds: all things we hold are materialistic..( What do you mean by ' we can gain them')
It's a personal choice how to spend the life and what to do during its existence, but the truth that he/she has life and health is the most significant fact that matters.
It is a personal choice to decide the way of life, but health, in all cases, is what really matters.
Hope my changes help!
