Short UVa Suppliment "what is your favorite place to get lost in and why?"

Tell me what you guys think! You can be as harsh as possible, I need all the help I can get.
The essay is around 260 is words.

My breath came out short and rapid as I sprinted down six flights of stairs to get out of my apartment building. Outside in the concrete jungle, I took care not to step on any cracks as I ran to my favorite playground; breaking my mother's back was the last thing I wanted to do. Without even taking a second glance at the rest of the playground, I ran to the Turtle that loomed in the back of the playground.

I realize now that it was only supposed to be decoration, but that didn't stop my six-year-old self from attempting to crawl inside. After the struggle to finally get in from the tiny opening between the Turtle's legs, I was rewarded with a tiny dome-like structure that I could not stand up in. It was lit by tiny rays of sunshine that came in through the small openings between the Turtle's legs. The hollow body of the Turtle provided a sanctuary for me. The sounds of the city were muted and the troubles of my day were alleviated. I would sit there and dream for hours on end. My imagination took me on unbelievable adventures; it got me lost in the sandiest deserts, took me to the kingdom on the moon and it even built me a giant tree house in the middle of a rain forest.

The inside of the Turtle was my palace, and I was the queen. Nothing else could match it and after I moved away from the city, I just couldn't find a better place to get lost in as much as the Turtle.

this is a great piece of writing, I can't find much that you would need to edit! maybe you can talk more about how you felt when you were there -- free of all your troubles, etc? goodluck :)

Cindy

I LOLed at the break-you-mother's-back-point. I like the adventures that the turtle took you to, nice touch. Overall I liked the uniqueness of your essay, good job.


Suggestion: Without a second glance, I ran to the Turtle that loomed at the back of the playground.
Too much playground in the sentence, a bit redundant.


Suggestion: I realize now that it was for decorative purposes,


Just a suggestion, though I think its okay either way.


Eh, I think you can end with a little more pizzazz than this.
Suggestion: Nothing else could compare -there was just no place I would rather get lost in as much as the Turtle.
Not sure if the after you move part was really relevant or necessary.

Hope this helps & I would love if you took a look at my common app. essay Luxury VS. Struggle. Thanks!

Thank you! If I get rid of the moving away part, how does "The inside of the Turtle was my palace, and I was the queen. Nothing else could compare"

Cindy

I just figured you were saying generally, there is nowhere else, whether in NY or the world, that could compare.