Hi, I'm currently writing my AIF for UWaterloo and I would appreciate any and all tips on my first written response. Thank you so much!
Question 1 - Reasons for choosing your program and Waterloo
Please tell us about your educational goals, your interest in your chosen program(s), and your reasons for applying to the University of Waterloo. If you have applied to more than one program please discuss your interest in each program. (900 character limit)
I aspire to become a software developer making breakthroughs in the fields of AI, machine learning, and more. The BCS program is my primary goal, but BMath-with my major declared as Data Science-will give me the same opportunities to innovate in the tech industry.
Many universities only offer barebones courses, but Waterloo is a university that exceeds expectations, with courses such as CS 492 teaching the societal impacts of innovation-something I want to be cognizant of, as my parents' careers were threatened by automation.
Along with a diverse range of courses, Waterloo's co-op program ensures that 96% of graduates are employed in 6 months, compared to the provincial 79%. By consolidating a list of employers, applications, and interviews, WaterlooWorks facilitates the job finding process, and many students find placements at the Big Tech companies, gaining the best experience possible.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 The response you wrote is quite impersonal in approach. It delivers only bare information, commonly known to people, without much of an explanation. I see that you declared 2 majors of interest. The prompt asks you to discuss each course individually with 300 characters allotted for each course discussion, the final 300 allotted for your university choice sentence/statement. Adhere to the instructions, discuss your interest in each course individually. Only after individually discussing your 2 course major choices should you discuss your interest in Waterloo either in a collective or course individual manner. The current statement is too wanting in proper representation of explanations. You need to rework your statement to deliver a more individual, focused, and relevant explanation.
@Holt
Thank you for the great advice! I tried incorporating your advice into a new draft and I was wondering if you could take another look.
I've always been fascinated by mathematics, computers, and algorithms as ways to problem-solve. This interest only grew as I received my first device, a BlackBerry Pearl 8100, and I realized the potential of technology to create a better world. I was drawn to Computer and Data Science for their focus on systems, analytics and machine learning. When I learned that Mike Lazaridis, the creator of BlackBerry, is a Waterloo alumnus, I immediately knew Waterloo was the right choice for me.
I want to leverage Waterloo's connections and get a co-op placement with a startup business. By working at a small company, I hope to have a large influence on projects to develop my leadership skills and experience an intimate corporate culture. By working with Big Tech companies, I will develop a strong network for my professional career and learn which role I fit best, something only possible at Waterloo.
Hi. I think you need to be more specific about what sparked your interest in CS and Data Science. Instead of saying "I've always been fascinated", talk about that light-bulb moment when you realized you really want to study this major. It can be a class you take, a competition you joined, or your first computer program. Something that shows you know what you will be doing in your major. That would make your motivation stronger and more convincing.
Separate the reasons of wanting to apply for both programs in separate sentences. Afterall, they are two different programs.
Your second paragraph needs a bit more work as every sentence only talks about "work". The question asked about your educational goals. What subject in Waterloo you're looking forward too? You can also borrow the first paragraph of your first draft "I aspire to become a software developer..." and connect it to how Waterloo will help you to reach your goal.
