I would really appreciate some feedback on my admissions essay. I want to put myself into it and don't like things to be the same as everybody else's (as you will find out in the essay). Any feedback would be helpful. Thanks, Michael.
p.s. The tabs are for indents. I'd like to know if they're placed at all in a suitable way.
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
-A small child crying at the sight of his ice cream cone on the ground, a teenager panicking the instant their car bumps into another, an adult wondering if they had lived their life to the fullest. When the most devastating things in life occur, they're usually small inconveniences to others in the world. Some of the most insignificant problems can turn someone's life into turmoil. I've found that the only way to handle these situations properly is to step back, look at the situation, and work hard to resolve the problem. In my most recent case, the cause of my chaos was a computer crash at the wrong time; although there is never really a good time for a computer to crash.
-Hours of researching how to write a college essay and even more spent trying to think of the perfect topic. Sometimes an answer to a catastrophe lands in your lap, although the problem stills exists. Getting through the problem is what takes the hard work and perseverance. The words my father brought me up by were those very same; hard work and perseverance. "It always pays off in the end." He'd tell me. I'd roll my eyes and acknowledge his fortune cookie mumbo jumbo, not thinking I would ever look back and truly appreciate his wisdom.
-I could have let my problem slide and worked on a different the next day, but my personal dead line would have been failed. The essay wasn't due and there was time to do it later, but there was absolutely no way I wanted to put it off any longer. Even after fixing my computer and starting the essay I was still devastated by the fact that all of my music, pictures, works, and ultimately, memories, were wiped away. Everything that the age of technology had failed to back up in online databases I had to sacrifice. Sure, I could have gotten some technical help and had the problem fixed after a day or two, but that wasn't my goal. My goal was to get it done on my terms, and no problem was going to bar me from it.
-So I stayed up later then I had wanted and reinstalled everything a computer needs. Operating system, countless drivers, and a slew of error messages ate the night away. Learning new things and relearning things I had lost took all of my patience to overcome. After I had the basics out of the way I took the time to personalize my computer once again. For me though, the time was not wasted. I could have just as easily gone on and written a generic essay, but that's not me either. I needed the one-of-a-kind background, the custom color scheme, the personalized looks. Without them, it was just a plain old computer. It could have been anybody's; but something pushed me to make it my own. Unnecessary for some but absolutely dire to me, I worked into the hours of the night. Finally my journey came to an end; a small inconvenience to others, but a disaster for me which turned out to be resolved through hard work and perseverance. I don't think that I would have been able to come to this point and time if it weren't for the people around me in my life. One of the things that I look forward to most is meeting new people and being able to look back and see how they have molded me. In my eyes, a person is their mind and creative license imprinted on the way others impact them.
I could have let my problem slide and worked on a different the next day, but my personal deadline would have been failed.
I don't think a deadline could "failed" itself. You might want to rephrase this
bold part
So I stayed up later thenthan I had wanted and reinstalled everything a computer needs.
You have some minor mistakes concerning punctuations. Fix them and your essay will flow much smoother.
Reading through your essay, I didn't really have a sense of what you were trying to say. Was it this
I could have just as easily gone on and written a generic essay, but that's not me either. I needed the one-of-a-kind background, the custom color scheme, the personalized looks.
or this?
In my eyes, a person is their mind and creative license imprinted on the way others impact them.
Just so you know, I've read somewhere that an essay about writing an essay is a topic that should be avoided.
Take my correction as suggestion!
Good luck :)
I see that you said you don't think you need any more comments here, but I just wanted to mention that I think your complex use of varied kinds of sentence structure is really impressive. Also, at the end of the first paragraph you used a semi-colon to separate something that is kind of an "afterthought." For that purpose, a dash would be better. Google around about the difference between usage of a semi-colon and a dash.
:-)
