Hi there, I need some advice for these essays because I don't think they are very good yet. Please help to give me some advice, whether in grammar or content, greatly appreciated!!!!
I changed some of the grammatical mistakes in the vacation essay, but not the structure, can someone take a look at it? Thanks a lot.
The most recent vacation I had taken place while I traveled around China, where I had a very fun time with all the unforgettable experiences. Since I started homeschool in 2006, I haven't had time to travel around and see exciting things like I used to, but this trip made up my missing adventures.
My venture started from GuangZhou, where I payed a visit to one of the most prominent universities in China, Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education. This school was built in 1924 by the same person who is also known as the father of modern China, Dr. Sun Yat-Sen. I was very impressed that he created one of the key universities of our nation during one of the hardest time in the country's history.
After touring the university, mum and I had a break at WuYi Mountains, a famous holiday place near my hometown. The 3-days trip was really fun, we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and did so much more. However, compared to my trip to the natural preserved mountains, none is as exciting. On the day we left, I saw the Otters and Amoy Tigers, some of the endangered species in the world. I was very honored to see the tigers because there are less than 100 of them around the globe.
After having so much fun, mum confined me to the hotel room for a month to study in Beijing. I was really sad, coming to this famous place without the chance to see some of the great views. However, on the day of emancipation, she told me that we're gonna have fun in our hometown.
As soon as we arrived, I can't wait to tour the place where I grew up, the smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market reminds me of everything as I walked pass them. I spent that month with my cousin, and had a lot of fun recalling all the places that I missed. I also did labs that I missed during home school and joined something I have never tried before, sketching. It's the drawing with simply pencils and papers that are waiting for you to show the best of life.
With October Examinations coming up, I studied hard from July to September, and was rewarded. While in Beijing, I practiced figure skating in a rink next to the apartment; experienced teaching as an English assistant at an institute; continued sketching and able to draw spheres; visited TsingHua and Beijing University; saw the Olympics and cheered for my favorite team; I was even lucky to see the U.S secretary of labor, Ms. Elaine Chao and the ambassador, Mr. Clark Randt.
I had more fun in HongKong during October, where I developed my theory about the different places that I have experienced and was amazed by how fabulous this summer has been.
I mean in this essay, I think saying what I have done in the summer is enough, however, I don't know whether I should rewrite the opening and closing sentence.
I also fixed my second essay, can you give me some advice about the structure?
Among all the interesting choices of the schools at NYU, I think Gallatin School of Individualized Study fits me the best. There are many reasons that accounts for this daring choice, and I would like to explain why.
First and most important of all, being a home school student who has learned in the past three years by teaching myself, I think independent study suits me better than the regular study. I don't like to have everything under the control of the curriculum since they retrict your freedom in some ways. I quit my regular school, Dubai National School, a private school that offers American curriculum, and joined home school after grade 7 because my classmates weren't able to keep up with my pace of learning in the class and the teachers weren't willing to give me new lessons while she had time. This restricted my ability to develop further when I wanted and I wasn't very pleased about it. However, with home school, I had a lot more freedom and flexibility. I didn't have to care about others; whether or not I will finish at their rate and whether or not I can proceed to the next lesson right after I finished this one. This system gives me maximum flexibility and reproductivity, two of the most important factors that affects your study. When choosing universities, I had a difficult choice because most of the universities that I have seen do not offer a very flexible program which I can study according to my needs and interests. However, when I looked at the schools of NYU, I was glad that I finally found one. Gallatin School of Individualized Study is the perfect fit of my ideal place to earn my degree and explore further. It offers its students the opportunity to design their own programs that meets their own interests and needs.
Gallatin School of Individualized Study offers a small college environment but so much to learn, which perfectly fits my idealism of education. I like to learn through many ways and in many fields, taking as much knowledge as I could bear, and put it into practice at the same time. Gallatin offer courses in other schools' programs, give its students access to almost unlimited school resources, and internships from almost any intitutions in the New York City. In this fast pacing world, everything is changing in every moment and no one can stop it.
A true entrepreneur knows how to keep himself on the top shelf; if you only sit there without polish, even if you are top-of-the-line, you would soon be eliminated from the competition. However, if you keep yourself in looking fabulous, there is no way removing you from the top shelf. That is what Gallatin means to me, a pathway to success. I am still in the box waiting for my future, like others, I want to a place in the top shelf. To me, Gallatin is what I would need to be there.
Thanks a lot,
angela629
Hi,
I like your story. You can start saying something very interesting about China. Don't hit your biggest secret in the first line. You want your reader to find your essay interesting.
I think that way ot will work better.
Your essays are good but I think you can make it srtonger by your first and last sentence.
Hey, I agree with Hasnaahmed, intros. should be the most captivating and with a bit of mystery so the reader would want to read more. May i suggest a way for you to start your intro? The way i like to start intros. is with dialouge, so maybe you can say a common phrase you kept hearing in the streets of china or start with an interesting experiance you encounterd and slowy work in into your essay.
-Hope i helped, good luck =)
Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.
Verb tense: My venture started in GuangZhou, where I payed a visit to one of the most prominent universities in China, Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education .
There are many reasons that account for this daring choice and I would like to explain why.
This perfectly fits my ideal of diversity, (my goal of learning). I like to learn through many ways and in many fields, taking as much knowledge as I can bear, and put it into practice at the same time.
I never knew what a family trait was like until I actually have one; every time my friends tell me about how they look like their parents, I get frustrated because of my lack of family-resemblance.
Ever since I was born, the relatives were surprised that I didn't look like either of my parents; although they didn't really care about it, I was very disappointed.
For a long time, I tried to find the connection between me and them, but with no success.
Thanks for the input, but how about the other two essays?
I am not sure that I presented the idea very well in the which school I want to go essay and it seems like the typical essay you would get, in other words, how can i make it more special?
And for the third essay, one of my more unsuccessful one. Can anyone tell me whether the content needed to be fixed? it seems like the things that I am telling is not very interesting and i mean does it make the essay look bad, cause i am considering rewriting it.
Thanks again for the great advices
Here is a correction that I forgot to make in my other response: I never knew what a family trait was like until I actually had one; every time...
As for the content, the way to make it interesting is to say something at the start that makes the reader want some closure for it... some resolution. So, you can try to think of what the real meaning of the essay is, and ask a question about that subject in the first sentence. Then, write the essay, leading up to when you conclude by answering the question. That is only one of many ways you can build tension, and then resolve it, to make a powerful essay.
Here is some help for the first sentence of the first essay:
My most recent vacation took place in China, where I traveled around and had a very fun time that was full of unforgettable experiences. Since I started homeschool in 2006, I haven't had time to travel around and see exciting things like I used to, but this trip made up for my missed adventures.
And the first sentence of the second essay... what you wrote was correct, but I am helping it sound even better:
Among the many interesting choices of schools at NYU, the Gallatin School of Individualized Study fits me the best. There are many reasons that accounts for this choice, and I would like to explain why.
I took out the word "daring," because it did not sound right -- but maybe I was wrong to take it out? You should put it back in if you want to, but explain why it is a daring choice.
Good luck you you !!!
:)
Kevin
Hi Kevin, can you take a quick look at my summer essay, I edited it so that it fits into the application. Thanks a lot,
I spent my 2008 vacation in China, where I had a very exciting trip. It started in GuangZhou, where I visited Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education.
The trip was fun; we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and so much more.
As soon as we arrived, I couldn't wait to tour the place where I grew up, the smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market reminds me of everything as I pass them by.
Nice job, good luck!!!!
:)
Kevin
