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"My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay


Angela629 9 / 86  
Dec 18, 2008   #1
Can someone review my supplemental essays? Thanks for any advice on the structure and grammar, greatly appreciated.
Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), including any jobs you have held, if not already detailed on the Common Application.

My vacation of 2007 was fruitful. I practiced figure skating, competed and received 3rd place. This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be hot as hell, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing. However, I was fond of it for different reason. Having a moment of silence in a world where verbal communication predominates is my way to relax. Figure skating is also one thing that carves me the person I am today. Through this sport, I learned how to be confident to prepare for whatever that will happen.

My 2008 vacation happened in China, where I had a very exciting trip. We started from GuangZhou, where I visited Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education. The school was built in 1924 by Dr. Sun Yat-Sen, father of modern China. I was very grateful that he created one of the key universities of our nation. After visiting GuangZhou, we stopped at WuYi Mountains, a famous holiday resort. The trip was fun, we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, seen the thread-of-sky and so much more. However, they are not as exciting as seeing the Otters and Amoy Tiger on the day we left. Later, we stayed at our hometown for nearly a month after the tour of Beijing. As soon as we arrived, I can't wait to see the place where I grew up. The smell of fresh soil and the sound of bargaining in the market remind me of everything as I was passing by. I spent the month recalling the places, did labs and joined sketching. I studied hard from July to September for SAT in Beijing, and was rewarded with a good result. While living there, I figure skated in a rink next to the house; experienced teaching others at a language institute; continued sketching; visited TsingHua and Beijing University; saw the Olympics and cheered for my favorite team. I was even lucky enough to see Ms. Elaine Chao and Mr. Randt, U.S secretary of labor and ambassador. I had more fun in HongKong, where I developed the theory about the different places I have been to and how China has changed itself over the past 4 years. I was surprised that after living in 2 different countries, I was able to see things from different perspectives and learned so much more that I didn't know about. I was so different from whom I was before leaving China, and this trip really helped me to realize that.

Option 2: Using the statement below as a jumping off point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed you approached the world.

"Princeton in the nation's service" was title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations" (476)

...

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Dec 19, 2008   #2
This part might be offensive to some people. Better to be safe and get rid of it... besides, it is a cliche:

This sport is very popular in the UAE, where the summer can be miserably hot, and doing icy sport in a desert city is such a blessing.

The trip was fun; we rafted along the 9-straits river, climbed the Roaring Tiger Mountain, viewed the thread-of-sky and so much more.

I was surprised that after living in two different countries, I was able to learn so much more by considering everything from two different perspectives.

You have such an interesting life!! Most of us just stay in one country and let the time pass by...

:)
OP Angela629 9 / 86  
Dec 20, 2008   #3
Thanks for the comment.

But i think the essay itself is not so strong, can someone help me with that?
Pyramus 2 / 5  
Dec 20, 2008   #4
There are several basic problems in your second main essay.

Tenses! Very important to keep active!

"Every time there are projects or labs regarding the subject, I'd always participate actively because I have a greater fascination in this subject than any other."

See the problem with the tenses?

So first fix all those conflicting tenses first.
OP Angela629 9 / 86  
Dec 22, 2008   #5
Can anyone else provide further comments, I really thought these essays have a little problems. Please be as harsh as necessary. Every comment is welcomed.
OP Angela629 9 / 86  
Dec 26, 2008   #6
This is my revised version of the essay, please feel welcomed to give any comments.
zowzow 10 / 175  
Dec 26, 2008   #7
others' businesses (needed to match the subject by being plural)

They were all here to preach the religion and to help the society.

as Pyramus said, you still have frequent grammar errors

they said (its past here)to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems (here it is present) to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

you need to go over the essay carefully and adjust these tense errors. these are the most frequent, easily made errors in the essay process as you need to keep it either present or past. (or if you're a great writer like Shakespeare, you don't need to)

I can't (separate them. cannot is more formal) say

and also your essay is a bit, a tiny bit too long. I mean your essay is great and intersting but still 1000 words for a suppliment essay describing your extracuricular activities is too much I think. Though I could be wrong and Prinston may want 1000 word essays.

:)
OP Angela629 9 / 86  
Dec 27, 2008   #8
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. When I read my essay, I knew there were something that has to be wrong, but I can't really find it.

How about my structure? I mean does this essay not saying what I want it to say? I saw others' princeton essays. They're much better than mine, but honestly, I don't know how to improve it? can someone suggest some advice?

Thanks so much,
Angela629


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