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'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing....


littlegirl 1 / 3  
Oct 17, 2016   #1
Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs. Farmers working under scorching sun.
I encountered this on my very first visit to my hometown - one of the remote places of the Terai region of Nepal. And the imagery was not just enough to speak the misery of that place. Spending a first few years of my life there (from age 6 to 8), I became acquainted with the social customs and traditions of the Madhesi community.

For, while residing there, I had witnessed one of my friends, Nima, getting married. She was dressed elegantly in a red sari with a netted veil. The priest chanted some mantras and she took turns around the flames with an adult boy (around 30 years old), holding her hands in his. And somebody told me that Nima was getting married as per the Hindu traditions...

Seven years later, my family had already migrated to Kathmandu.
The summer of my 7th grade, I was spending a good deal of time playing treasure hunt with my elder brother. I was hell bent on finding the coin one day as pin drop silence resonated the room. While playing I overheard someone say my name from the bedroom attached to the one we were playing in. The eagerness inside me thought of giving my ear to the conversation...

"So, are we calling them tomorrow?" said my grandfather.
And then "No father! We can't let the society ruin her future" replied my dad.
"But she must get married now.... or else the groom will demand more dowry in future."
Till now, I had no clue regarding what they were talking about. Meanwhile, my dad replied my grandfather...
"I don't care. My daughter has bigger dreams."
Shocked at the conversation. Content at my father's reply. Eyes dripped with tears.
I quietly left the game and slugged to my room where the 160X15 mirror in front of me let me slide my eyes over the image - a shattered building - and then the eyes -resembling the grey sky outside. The size said I was 13 but looks spoke much older. The whole day, I pondered about my community and myself. "How can my grandfather even think of my marriage? I hate my community. I want to be an achiever.... "

That very night, I promised myself to help girls who were married off early, burdened with onus of household chores, and suffered childhood pregnancy. That very night, I felt very privileged to have received an opportunity to educate myself, to interpret global issues and to explore the world in a real sense. That very night, I promised to stand out on my father's expectations.

With the intention of educating young underprivileged children, I started serving Hoste Hainse, Nepal. Working as a tutor motivated and inspired me to work harder in my academics so that one day I could uplift my community. The work-life balance was ,indeed, hard but I finally justified that my father was absolutely right in his decision by securing the highest mark in Nepal for GCE-AS level Accounting. Perhaps my community was proud that day.

The source of my inspiration- Madhesi community and its unexpected challenges -always acts as a catalyst for change within me. Because in my community, minds never impede girls from getting what they want but the mindset does, I have an ultimate ambition to make a change in the community's mindset by being an entrepreneur.

Hope for a transformative future. Strive for first generation college education. Acceptance at Princeton.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Oct 17, 2016   #2
Shivani, before we edit the content of your essay, we first have to fix the content. There are some instances of lacking information that need to be filled in before this essay can be ready for editing. For example, instead of saying you were in Grade 7, instead tell the reader your age and if you were still living in the Terai region or, if not, say where you were living and if the same traditions applied in that area. You said you lived in the Terai region till the age of 8, but to be in grade 7, you should be around 12 or 13. Remember to provide accurate information in the essay.

Also, I believe that the following quote lessens the impact of the lines that come after it:

I quietly left the game and slugged to my room where the 160X15 mirror in front of me let me slide my eyes over the image - a shattered building - and then the eyes -resembling the grey sky outside...

Like I said, mention your age right at the beginning of the paragraph, then immediately jump into the way that you felt after hearing the conversation. The paragraph will have a stronger impact if you adjust the content in that manner. It will also keep the essay interesting because you do not spend too much time creating a setting that isn't really relevant to the essay content.

The rest of the essay is alright content-wise as far as I can tell. Those are the parts that just need to be edited along with the rest of the revised essay in order to create a smoother narrative for your essay.
nguyenhuyen 1 / 2 1  
Oct 17, 2016   #3
I think your essay very OK!
my eyes over the images
In my opinion ''young underprivileged children'' --> "underprivileged young children"
OP littlegirl 1 / 3  
Oct 17, 2016   #4
Thank you very much Holt and nguyenhuyen !! I will edit it ..
:)
OP littlegirl 1 / 3  
Oct 17, 2016   #5
"Seven years later, my family had already migrated to Kathmandu. "
HOLT I need help in editing
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Oct 17, 2016   #6
Shivani, I'll help you edit the content of the essay first. I think we can make it shorter and more interesting. Let me know if you have any problems following the editing I am posting below.

And the imagery was not just enough to speak the misery ...
For, w While residing there, I had witnessed THE WEDDING OF one of my friends, Nima, getting married. AS PER HINDU TRADITION TO A 30 YEAR OLD MAN.

She was dressed elegantly in [...] married as per the Hindu traditions...
Seven years later, my family had already migrated to Kathmandu.
The summer of my 7th grade, I was THIRTEEN AND spending ... playing treasure hunt with my elder OLDER BROTHER. ...
I was hell bent on finding the coin one day as pin ...
While playing I overheard someone ...
The eagerness inside me thought [...] my dad replied my grandfather...
"I don't care. My daughter has bigger dreams." MY DAD REPLIED.
Shocked at the conversation. Content [...] -resembling the grey sky outside. The
MY size said I was 13 but MY looks spoke SAID I WAS much older.
... about my community and myself. MY FUTURE BASED UPON MY COMMUNITY'S SOCIAL NORMS...
... I promised myself to THAT I WOULD help girls ...
...to stand out on TO FULFILL my father's ...
... started WORKING WITH Hoste Hainse...
... work harder in ON my academics...
... was ,indeed, hard ... my father was absolutely right ...
Perhaps my community was proud that day.
Because in IN my community, THE minds never impedeS THE girls ... but the mindset does, .
I have an MY ultimate ambition IS to make a change ...
Hope for a transformative [...] education. Acceptance at Princeton.

-----

You don't really need that last line about acceptance at Princeton. It doesn't relate to the prompt requirements so I removed it from the essay.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Oct 17, 2016   #7
I see some parts that can be switched around in order to create a better flow for your essay. Try to make:
The source of my inspiration- Madhesi community and its unexpected challenges ... , my ultimate ambition is to make a change ...
the start of the paragraph that currently begins with:
That very night, I promised that I would help girls who were married off early...
In my opinion, this set up better provides an insight into your strength of character, future plans, and conviction in your beliefs.

With that in mind, I also believe that changing your first paragraph from a description of your hometown to the wedding you witnessed would better open the essay. The opening paragraph, in my opinion doesn't really tie-in with the rest of the essay so it can be rewritten for better impact or relation to the essay content. I think these changes can better organize your content. Let's see if these changes work for you before we try to organize the minor details.
OP littlegirl 1 / 3  
Oct 19, 2016   #8
Thanks for the suggestion HOLT ..
I have tried to rewrite ..please check it again! :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,767 4770  
Oct 19, 2016   #9
Try to revise the opening paragraph to provide a better opening statement. I think it works better if you open by saying:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 10, I had to see my mother in the hospital for one whole year ... married at the early age.

I thought of adding a few sentences to what would become your second paragraph. I think it should be revised to say:
I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married offer but my father thought otherwise. He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. He wanted me to have the freedom to choose my husband even though my parents were a result of an advanced marriage themselves. The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I became determined that in the days to come...

Then close it with:
I like to think I have already started my journey....

You can remove the phrase you closed the essay with because it doesn't really have a meaning that can properly close the essay. See if this works for you and it it does, you can further develop it.


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