Transfer prompt #1
What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities - and what you have gained from your involvement.
There might be lot of grammer mistakes.
I'm very short of English words!
Please give me some feedbacks !
Oh and questions! the prompt says that what my intended major is.
Do I have to directly say that I want to be in communication studies major?
or is this essay would be fine?
"M..m..ma..my name is Jenny!" These four words, actually seven words are all I have spoken in front of my friends and their families. By the time I was in kindergarten, family night event was held and it was a night to bring families together at school of fun activities that every one could enjoy. We had to introduce ourselves for a minute by telling our names, our hobbies, which favorite food we like, and so on; however, I found my face turning red like an apple and I could see my face was telling "I'm embarrassed, I want to go home", and not knowing what to talk about when it was being my turn. I have this filmed and every holiday when my family and relatives get together, we watch this film and they all laugh at my very brief introduction.
As I grew a little older, maybe I have forgotten that I was a shy girl; in primary school I enjoyed performing plays at school. I have performed various kinds of characters starting from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil remaining still for almost the entire play to Juliet pretending to kill myself with a little goldish and sophisticated looking style of plastic knife. I was never embarrassed though my character was a rudolph with red painted nose singing carols and dancing like a crazy clown. My heart always fluttered when I was on a stage and all the audiences looking at my enthusiastic performance. I have always loved the time when I received flowers from my parents and my sister after the play has ended.
It was my freshman year in college that I had some chances to go on the stage again. Every year in our church, college students open a family night for all the families in the church to come over and have a concert from preschoolers to adults singing and performing. I was singled out for MC for that night with other college mate that night. I was responsible for keeping the event to move properly and smoothly. In the past, all I had to do was just memorizing exact words written by my school teacher. This time, it was quite different from what I thought, and it was my responsibility to write an entire script of the event. I had to be perfect with my voice tone, face expression, and even express my thoughts and feelings by gestures to much larger audiences. I realized that more efforts were required in this big scale of stage. I stepped on the stage amid a thunderous handclapping of the audience. My heart was fluttering like a butterfly and began with introducing myself, "Good afternoon, my name is Jenny," I did not hesitate in speaking like I was in kindergarten. I pretended like I was not feared of public speaking in front of a crowd even though three hundreds of eyes were directly looking at me. But to tell the truth, both my voice and hands were shaking while reading my lines and I could not stop it until I saw through glaring lights, an old couple holding their hands together and actually laughing at my humorous sayings. The moment I saw them, I realized that there is no need to fear of public speaking that everyone was having fun and I should also enjoy this moment that has given to me. I think of this day as one little step to face another big step in the future.
After this event, I was once again selected to be MC in Valentines Day event and reciting speeches in church that I now built much more confident than in past. By love of people had made me to be more passionate being on stage. I have my cherished desire to become like Oprah Winfrey who also love to communicate with the world. With a wide audience, being on a stage, I feel that I have gained everything in my life and it is the happiest time of my life. Although I am not yet an expert on public speaker, I definitely have the capability and the passion to learn, and to be the best in this field. Not only for my great pleasure, but for all those audience who hear my speech, I want to present the gift of joys.
(725 words)
Good afternoon :)
I have edited the first section and then provided some more general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:
"M..m..ma..my name is Jenny!" These four words, actually seven words, are all I have spoken in front of my friends and their families. By the time I was in kindergarten, family night event was held and it was a night to bring families together at school of fun activities that every one could enjoy.When I was in kindergarten, the family night event was held and it was a night to bring families together at school for fun activities that everyone could enjoy. We had to introduce ourselves for a minute by telling our names, our hobbies, what our favorite foods were, and so on; however, I found my face turning red like an apple and I could see my face was saying "I'm embarrassed, I want to go home!"I didn't know what to talk about when it was my turn. I have this on tape, and every holiday when my family and relatives get together (Remove comma) we watch this film and they all laugh at my very brief introduction."
If the MC event is the event that had the most impact on you, you should only use it in the piece. These other stories provide too much unnecessary background for this prompt. Focus on this one event and then spend the main bulk of your essay discussing the prompt; what your intended major is, and what you gained from the involvement with this single event. Yes, it is fine to state your actual intended major in a piece such as this.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
