Any feedback is appreciated. Also, for the Short Answer questions about how many words do i write? Prompt for short answers:
1. Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why. Please feel free to talk about an activity other than one you may have discussed in your essay.
2. Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.
Here is the main essay prompt:
USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.
I sit watching the finale of a year long soap opera thinking to myself how the vast majority of these stories end with a wedding. What does this say about Latin culture? I have no clue but it is an interesting thought. Times when I should have been thinking about my future I was just giving thought to insignificant matters. The summer before ninth grade I took a remarkable trip. Sponsored by The First Tee, it was an all expense paid outing to Kansas where I would join about one hundred other junior golfers between the ages of thirteen and eighteen for a week to learn life skills and play golf. Before even applying for the golf camp there were several requirements I had to meet; including gathering two letters of recommendation and responding to several short essays. In the beginning I marveled at the promise of the trip, but as the day that replies were expected approached I began to cower. I do not know what made me all of the sudden get cold feet, but it was like something hovered over me that I just could not stop. Maybe it was that I would be away from home, or maybe I was just afraid of the unfamiliar, but I wasn't as thrilled for the trip as I was before.
As my parents anxiously opened the letter with the return address clearly stating The First Tee, I secretly hoped it would say: Sorry, but you have not been chosen to participate in the program. I knew deep down that my parents wanted this for me because they knew it was a great opportunity, but I did not. It was a bittersweet moment when they opened the letter and proudly announced that I was to go on the trip. In retrospect I think what a fool I was for having such thoughts, but I guess that's just what I was back then; a naive kid with no real insight on what really mattered. Now I realize that the trip was one in a lifetime, one I will certainly remember until I am withered with age. I met kids my age from New Zealand and Singapore, played golf at Colbert Hills-a world class golf course- and even experienced hail in July! Although I took part in remarkable things in Kansas, the most significant thing the trip did for me was show me the value of opportunity.
Like lightning, golden opportunities may not strike twice. The First Tee Golf Camp played a part in shaping the person I am today. Now I feel more comfortable being in unfamiliar places and taking risks. If I hadn't taken that trip I certainly would not have been handle switching schools after ninth grade. My dad always tells me that when I get older I should travel as much as I can and invest. He always talks about all the marvelous places he's visited and all the chances he had to invest in money making opportunities. If he would have taken the chance more than once, there's a good chance it would have paid off. As they say in the movies: "You only regret the stuff you didn't do". Although one should not always believe what is in movies, that statement does hold some validity. I think I'm ready to take a leap, although I may not always strike pay dirt, I'm sure in the long run it will be worth it.
Hello,
I guess this is a well-written piece that relates to the theme well. After reading through, I do get the gist that it's about seizing opportunities at the right moment, especially golden opportunities.
I have some comments, though.
First, try to avoid cliche 'If I wouldn't have gone on that trip who knows where I would be now' . yeah, it sounds cool, but actually i find it boring because people keep using that sentence. Perhaps, it's just me. :)
Then, i do not recommend using 'you' in an essay, like this 'You really have to take the opportunity while it is still there.' I understand that you would like to 'talk' to your reader, but i believe there is another way of saying it. Probably you can try along this line 'like lightning, opportunities may not strike twice'. What I am saying is just to be less direct, but still captures the same essence.
Next, I personally disagree that essay has something like 'By the way', even though it is done on purpose. It seems that the point comes as an afterthought, hence may not be properly organized. Unless you strongly feel good about using that sentence, I suggest that you omit it, or reword.
That's all, i guess. Dont be discouraged by some harsh comments I made. Do keep up with the good work and keep on revising. This piece seems very close to the final one.
Good luck.
Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. Also, do i still sound cliche in the second sentence of my third paragraph?
Hello there.
Your edits were great, and of course there is always room for improvement.
However, after I further scrutinized your essay, I found some vagueness.
For example, your very first few lines
'I sit watching the finale of a year long soap opera thinking to myself how the vast majority of these stories end with a wedding. What does this say about Latin culture? I have no clue but it's an interesting thought. All my life it seems that I've been perplexing these random thoughts, ignoring what really lies in front of me.'
Comment: I am not sure why you brought up the importance of Latin culture with the question that is not a rhetoric. Well, I get that you're trying to show that your mind is always wandering and not really focused on important things, but I guess there is a more direct way of saying that. and then the last sentence could be improved along this line ' Instead of thinking about my future seriously, my mind usually wandered to insignificant subjects', but I believe that you could come up with a better version.
Grammatical error: respondED to several short essays
'In the beginning I thought I had no chance to get in, but as the day that replies were expected approached I began to cower. I don't know what it was that made me all of the sudden get cold feet, but it was like something hovered over me that I just couldn't stop. Maybe it was that I would be away from home, or maybe I was just afraid of the unfamiliar, but there was definitely something there, I felt it. '
Could improve on this sentence. There were disjointed ideas. i get the feeling that you were saying that you didnt dare to have high hopes because you felt that you had a slim chance, and you were afraid that you would be disappointed if you expected too much. Probably, you could say something like ' As the announcement day was looming, my heart started to throb furiously. I did not set high expectations for fear of being disappointed, but still, there was actually a beam of hope. Perhaps it was uncertainty of my future that made me worried, or maybe the excitement over the possibility that I could qualify for it. There was a mixture of indescribable feelings.'
I might have missed out your point, so I believe you can do better than me because you know yourself best. :)
Content wise, 2nd para is good. Some comments, though.
When I look back at that instant in time -> in retrospect
didn't -> try not to use abbreviation. spell it out.
'If I hadn't taken that trip I wouldn't HAVE been the person I am today;
'one should never believe what's in movies' -> sounds very assertive. 'never' is a strong, rather an absolute word. I am sure you can rephrase to get the message across more subtly.
'but it won't stop me from the opportunity of a lifetime -> how do you know before you actually experience it? I guess you can put it this way 'I would be more of a RISK-TAKER, instead of just fearing of the unknown.' I hope I get this point right.
Like I said, your edits were good. So, keep on improving.
Best of luck.
Once again, thanks for the feedback. I've made some improvements(the ones you suggested mainly). If anybody wants to give it a go here is the new draft. Thanks again.
Hey, I see one mistake you make a lot: leaving out a word that we sometimes do not bother to include when speaking, but that we really are supposed to use... like "about" or "during"... see the 3 examples below:
I sit watching the finale of a year long soap opera thinking to myself about how the...
... just giving thought to insignificant matters. ---Okay, add a sentence right here to express the main message of the essay, the idea you want the reader to remember. Then, end the paragraph.
Next paragraph:
During the summer before ninth...
In retrospect I think about what a fool I was for having...
***Check to see if your paragraphs begin with a TOPIC SENTENCE that expresses the main idea of the paragraph.
:-)
Thanks for the responses, here is another draft. As you can see i took out the first part completely.
During the summer before ninth grade I took a remarkable trip. Sponsored by The First Tee, it was an all expense paid outing to Kansas where I would join about one hundred other junior golfers between the ages of thirteen and eighteen for a week to learn life skills and play golf. Before even applying for the golf camp there were several requirements I had to meet; including gathering two letters of recommendation and responding to several short essays. In the beginning I marveled at the promise of the trip, but as the day that replies were expected approached I began to cower. I do not know what made me all of the sudden get cold feet, but it was like something hovered over me that I just could not stop. Maybe it was that I would be away from home, or maybe I was just afraid of the unfamiliar, but I wasn't as thrilled for the trip as I was before. As my parents anxiously opened the letter with the return address clearly stating The First Tee, I secretly hoped it would say: Sorry, but you have not been chosen to participate in the program. I knew deep down that my parents wanted this for me because they knew it was a great opportunity, but I did not. It was a bittersweet moment when they opened the letter and proudly announced that I was to go on the trip.
In retrospect I think about what a fool I was for having such thoughts, but I guess that's just what I was back then; a naive kid with no real insight on what really mattered. Now I realize that the trip was one in a lifetime, one I will certainly remember until I am withered with age. I met kids my age from New Zealand and Singapore, played golf at Colbert Hills-a world class golf course- and even experienced hail in July! The first day I had orientation. From there on the next three days I played some practice rounds and got golf tips from the coaches there. The coaches also tried to sneak some life skills in there; that was important too. The fifth day I went to an amusements park where everybody had a great time and the tournament was held on the sixth day. I played well in the tournament; not good enough to place but I was happy with my score. The final day there was one last practice round and I said my goodbyes.
Like lightning, golden opportunities may not strike twice. The First Tee Golf Camp played a part in shaping the person I am today. Now I feel more comfortable being in unfamiliar places and taking risks. If I hadn't taken that trip I certainly would not have been able to handle switching schools after ninth grade. My dad always tells me that when I get older I should travel as much as I can and invest. He always talks about all the marvelous places he's visited and all the chances he had to invest in money making opportunities. If he would have taken the chance more than once, there's a good chance it would have paid off. As they say in the movies: "You only regret the stuff you didn't do". Although one shouldn't always believe what is in movies, that statement does hold some validity. I think I'm ready to take a leap, although I may not always strike pay dirt, I'm sure in the long run it will be worth it.
but I guess that's just what I was back then; a naive kid with no real insight on what really mattered
Pet peeve of mine: that's not the correct use of a semi-colon after "then." You're looking for a colon :.
;)
Thanks for catching that!
