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The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay


vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 14, 2010   #1
Good time of the day dear readers!
This is a fast sketch of the essay. I need opinions and ideas on what to add or change. Is the entire idea good? Looking forward for a critical reading!

You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about.

What? Where? When?
"You have one minute to answer." is what each team hears after a question has been read. The questions are the core of the intellectual game "What? Where? When?". This game gathers all the smartest people in the country, where each can test his or her knowledge in different domains by answering different types of questions. As an example of a question we can take "Name two people who both received during their life the honorary citizenship of the United States and the Nobel Prize, but in different domains.". The answer to this question is "Winston Churchill and Mother Teresa". This question can be answered by a single person, but another core characteristic of the game is team work. A team must consist of minimum 3 members and maximum 6, one of who must be the captain. There are no real prizes for those who answer correctly and win the round while competing with another team. The only prize one gets is knowledge.

I decided to play this game a year ago. After registering myself as a team captain, I built up a team. Each team member has knowledge in different arts and science areas. I for example specialize in technologies, politics and mythology, another team member in sports and history and another one in literature and music. As the team captain I must choose each member carefully in order to accustom each one with the criteria of team work, creativity, retentiveness and consistency in his or her answers. Together we form a team with a wide spectrum of knowledge. The hardest part is, after the question has been announced and the ideas from each member given, for me to decide which idea best fits as an answer to the question. This requires a great belief in one's team members and in the same time confidence in choosing the right answers. The right answers are morally supportive, the wrong ones are intellectually challenging.

For me personally this game is the source from which I can study everything I want. Starting from the history of ancient Egyptians and finishing with astronomical discoveries of Stephen Hawking. Having more knowledge always helps me to find a common topic with everyone. In some cases this results in an interchange of cultures or ideas and sometimes in intellectually developing debates. This is what usually happens before the game when everyone is gathered in the rooms, or during breaks. "What? Where? When?" raises the desire in me to gain more knowledge, this resulting in better studies at school. The game helps me practice my leadership qualities when I talk to the team, when I decide that the answer is either Hitler or Julius Caesar. It makes me tighter with my team mates when I try to keep them patient while waiting for the right answer. This game made me a member of a new family, a family of individuals that seek to test their knowledge in different domains and seek for knowledge itself.
simbamaxxed 5 / 59  
Oct 14, 2010   #2
Vlad,

Your command of the English language seems to be hindering the expression of your ideas a bit.
The essay lacks clarity and structure and at times it's very difficult to follow what you are trying to say.All in all,I am doubtful whether your chosen topic is really what they are looking for in this part of the application.You seem to have resorted to writing about an intellectual,almost academic subject.Remember that they know about your academic abilities from your grades and SAT scores from your school report.I would imagine here they are trying to learn more about your human side:you as a person.Your background,what you value and how you interact with others.You can still use this same topic,but try to reveal aspects about your human side as you do that.

I hope I've helped you:Lots of luck with your applications:)
OP vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 14, 2010   #3
Simbarashe, thank you for directing me the right way! This was just an idea to write, and I wrote the entire essay in 10 minutes. I'll think more about what to write and then I'll post the new restructured essay!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 17, 2010   #4
You need to end the sentence and start a new one:
There are no real prizes for those who answer correctly and win the round while competing with another team. The only prize one gets is knowledge.

Same thing here:
"You have one minute to answer." This is what each team hears after a question has been read.
Or you can do this:
"You have one minute to answer," is what each team hears after a question has been read.

This sentence needs a subject:
Registered myself as a team captain and build up a team.
I registered myself as a team captain and built up a team.
I like it this way:
After registering myself as a team captain, I built up a team.

You have a great way of writing! It doesn't matter if there are some errors; your intelligence and talent for language are obvious.
OP vladic007 9 / 22  
Oct 18, 2010   #5
Another good time of the day dear readers!
Kevin, I have modified a the name of the essay and a bit it's content, in order to make it more personal. As Simbarashe said I tried to reveal more about my human side.

word count is 500/500

Should I make any more changes? Maybe any mistakes? Is the message of the topic fully revealed?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 22, 2010   #6
"You have one minute to answer." is what each

Change the period to a comma.
"You have one minute to answer," is what each...
or do this:
"You have one minute to answer." This sentence is what each....

The right answers are morally supportive, the wrong ones are intellectually challenging. ---- I dont' know what this means. Also, it is a run on sentence (the kind called a comma splice).

Can you improve it? Make it easier to understand?

:-)
yloot 5 / 23  
Oct 25, 2010   #7
i cant fix the grammer but the overall feeling i got from the essay is that
you are a leader
you can use your language (liked the opening)
you are knowledgable enough to enter competitions
you are self confident
thirsty for knowledge
you know how to work as a team


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