Please let me know if this looks appropriate
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Planning for this college admissions essay gave me the opportunity to stop and take a look at what values are reflected in my life. The Latin words Artes, Vires, Mores signify to me the moral and physical strength, beauty of craft or art, and strength of character, which are all a huge part of my life. Seeing how these values relate to who I have become over the past years makes me believe I would make an excellent student at Florida State University.
First, I considered the Latin word "vires" which signifies strength. In my life moral and physical strength are best exemplified through my participation on swim teams and my job as a lifeguard. One of my biggest challenges of strength was the week of lifeguard training. In order to become a certified lifeguard, you have to be not only a strong swimmer, but also willing to put someone else's life before your own. Even when it is only a drill, swimming fourteen feet down to rescue another person is a true test of both physical and moral strength. The greatest test of moral strength in my life however was when I was diagnosed 2 years ago with Bells Palsy. It began as a headache, which suddenly turned into a sharp pain on the lower back side of my head. Within minutes, one side of my face suddenly drooped. My mother rushed me to the doctor, who sent us to a specialist. I kept hearing the words brain tumor while watching my mother's face fill with fear. However, after running some tests, the doctor ruled out brain tumor and diagnosed Bells Palsy. He could not predict whether my face would ever fully recover. My family and I kept the strength of our faith and I was blessed with a full recovery. The doctor called it a miracle. Since the greatest joy in my life is vocal and dramatic performance, the thought that this may end my chance to ever perform again was a true test of my courage and strength as an individual.
The Latin word "Artes", I feel, exemplifies the beauty of craft and art in my life. I have always excelled in performing arts, especially the area of vocal performance. I truly appreciate my talent and performing is what I enjoy most in life. While at FSU music camp this past summer, I realized that I loved the school and that was where I wanted to go. I fit in so well there and felt like I was home. I was chosen for a solo in the recital and decided that I was right about majoring in music performance. Sharing my love of music with others is especially rewarding to me. From singing in church and school choirs and musical productions to helping with children's music programs, sharing the gift of music is one of my greatest joys.
"Mores", meaning strength of character, applies to my life in many ways. I have a very friendly spirit and I believe that if I am friendly to people, they will pass on happiness to others. People often tell me that I make their day better because of my positive spirit. I like to think that I can share my values and beliefs through my friendly spirit as well as through my gift of music. Whether I am singing in church, sharing the beauty of God's spirit through song or laughing with friends, I like to believe that I can make a difference in the world through being just who I am, a self-confident, spirited individual.
Attending FSU Summer Music Camp convinced me that Florida State University is the school for me. I represent the three words that guide Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores", and I want to be there more than anywhere else. My character makes me who I am, a strong, creative, self-confident person. I love the atmosphere at Florida State University and I would be an outstanding addition to the student body.
Good evening.
My first concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors, mainly word usage. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, avoid using "you" in formal academic writing; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count down for their use.
In regards to content, you've got a good foundation here. You use a good example of strength and tie it into the university's philosophy well, as with strength. The conclusion is a bit shaky because it introduces new information, encouraging a new paragraph but not producing one. I suggest reworking the conclusion to tie up and reiterate the points you've already talked about in the paper.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
I rewrote the essay and was wondering if this was better
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Planning for this college admissions essay gave me the opportunity to stop and examine the values reflected in my life. The Latin words "Artes, Vires, Mores" signify moral strength, beauty of the art, and strength of character. Seeing how these values relate to who I have become over the past years makes me believe I would make an excellent student at Florida State University.
First, I considered the Latin word "vires" which signifies strength. The greatest test of strength in my life occurred 2 years ago when I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. It began as a headache, lasting for three days, which suddenly turned into a sharp pain on the lower back side of my head. Within minutes, one side of my face suddenly fell. My mother rushed me to the doctor, who immediately sent us to a specialist. I kept hearing the words "brain tumor" while watching my mother's face fill with fear. Time seemed to stand still. However, after running some tests, the doctor ruled out brain tumor and diagnosed Bells Palsy. He could not predict whether or not I would ever fully recover. My family and I kept the strength of our faith and I was blessed with a full recovery. As I heard the word "miracle" exit the doctor's mouth, I realized that I had been blessed with the opportunity to fulfill my dreams of musical performance.
The Latin word "Artes" exemplifies the beauty of craft and art. I feel as though I was blessed with a gift on the day the doctor announced my full recovery from Bells Palsy. I have always excelled in performing arts, especially the area of vocal performance. To bring joy to others through song gives me great pleasure. I truly appreciate my talent and performing is my life's dream. While at FSU Music Camp this past summer, I was chosen for a solo in the recital. It was an awesome opportunity and helped me to decide that I was right about majoring in music performance. Sharing my love of music with others is especially rewarding to me. From singing in choirs and musical productions to helping with children's music programs, sharing the gift of music is one of my greatest joys.
The Latin word "Mores" translates to strength of character. I am a very outgoing, spirited person. I believe that if I am friendly to people, they will pass on happiness to others. People often tell me that I make their day better because of my positive spirit. I like to think that I can share my values and beliefs through my friendly spirit as well as through my gift of music. Too often, people spend their energy trying to be the best instead of simply being their best. I want to excel in my chosen field, but at the same time, I want whatever I do to make a positive difference in the world. I believe that I can make a difference in the world by being just who I am, a self-confident, spirited individual.
By taking the time to examine who I am as an individual, I have discovered that I am more than just someone who works hard and loves to sing. I am a strong, artistic and intelligent young woman who can and will make a positive impact not only in college, but also in life.
Good evening.
This is an incredible improvement. Much more organized, mechanically clean, with exceptional examples of each philosophy. The only mechanical suggestion I can make for this version is that when using numbers ten and under it is correct to write them out; for numbers 11 and over it is acceptable to use the numerals. Therefore, the "2" in the second paragraph should be "two."
Very nice work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Thank you so much
