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Various Short Essays, 'Growing Up Military' 'Fighting the Wheel' - Brown University

bimzy 3 / 8 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #1
These are 1st drafts, I need some help revising. Any suggestions on improving overall impact would also be appreciated. These essays stress me out. /:

Here's the prompts!
We all exist within communities or groups of various sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is important to you, and how it has shaped you.

She is from nowhere, yet has friends everywhere. Her life has been defined by its impermanence and she has mastered the delicate art of saying goodbye. She can greet you in Icelandic and she sometimes dreams in Japanese. She has watched a flag as it was raised to half-staff and learned to appreciate the fleeting nature of life. She seeks out the kids alone in the lunchroom because she too has felt the silent sting of invisibility. She has tried fried octopus and lamb dogs, realizing that to find the best things in life, you can't be afraid to try the bad too. Her world has been forged in upheaval, leaving her to haphazardly learn to be malleable. Her childhood of travel has instilled an unwavering curiosity for exploration and a craving for diversity. Even though her dad missed her birthday once, she couldn't be more proud of him, for it has been his example that has taught her to be resilient. Her name is Megan Cooney and she is a Navy brat, ready for whatever life throws at her.

The limit is 1000 characters and I'm at 998. I wrote it in third person, but I don't know if that's too risky or not... Opinions??

And the second!
What is something you created that makes you especially proud, and why?

My fingers, cracked and bleeding, bore the scars of battle that had taken their toll. My adversary was heartless, and as I slumped back down onto my scuffed stool, its venomous hum seemed to whisper an enticing order of surrender. For weeks, I had watched as my fellow amateur ceramicists brought to life what my blundering hands rendered formless. My defeat seemed to be fated, leaving me jarred when I found myself pulling up walls and spinning a shape that I recognized. With walls askew and a spiderweb of cracks spread across the base, it was clear that every aspect of the bowl was hideous. But it didn't matter to me. I had finally won the brutal war, and to my eyes, it was a masterpiece.

The limit for that one is 700 characters and I'm at 696...

Any help is appreciated and I'll return the favor! :)
OP bimzy 3 / 8 1  
Nov 30, 2012   #2
Don't kill me but I really really need opinions... I'll return the favor!!
luying9682 6 / 35 6  
Dec 1, 2012   #3
Hello bimzy,

the first question
You might want to emphasize your community and talk about how it influenced you, say--your family, your school and so on, instead of only talk bout yourself. This is a good essay, however, I don't think it fits the prompt very well. As for the original essay, it is a well-written one introducing yourself, and it reveals a true "you". I have heard of the risk of this kind of essays, consisting of some simple sentences. But I think yours is fine because your stories are unusual and attracting.

The second question
Maybe write something about "why" you are proud of your work, and shorten the process. It is a very short answer, so you have to answer the points and cut off the fats.

Your essays are really good and you do have a strong ability in writing! The only problem is that you have to answer the question. :)

Mind checking my revision on "my thoughts of a book I recently read"? Thanks a lot !!!!!!!
Ashley5789 3 / 7  
Dec 3, 2012   #4
I love the way you write your essays. Both essays are attracting. Like luying9682 stated, you need to answer the question, unless it is emphasize in the body of your essays. Do you mind posting the rest of your essays? I would love to read it. Best of luck to you!!
linting2012 10 / 78 18  
Dec 3, 2012   #5
Even though everyone say your first essay need to answer the question I believe that you are already answered the question. You show the admission officers that your community is a continuously changing one. You also show the admission officers that this community is very important to you because it has an undeniable influence in you. Finally you also show them how it shaped you. Besides that I like the way you use the third person narrative, the repetition of "She" make the prose almost poetic. I think this essay is actually quite good. But it is just my opinion, everyone thinks differently.

The second essay, for me, was also great.

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