Please critique, I don't think I'm the greatest essay writer so I need all the help I can get. I would really appreciate it and will be able to help others with their essays.
The prompt is - Please write a personal statement describing an instance in which you faced a significant personal challenge and discuss the steps you took in response; or copy and paste a previously written work that accurately reflects your writing skills and academic ability.
also works for the common app prompt - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, riskk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and it's impact on you.
A player's eyes follow a basketball game closely, his body is lurched forward, with his chin resting on a fist, his elbows are at rest on their thighs, he has no sweat on his brow, he's not breathing hard and he's planted firmly in his seat. This describes me on game days during my first year of varsity basketball, during my junior year of high school. I believe my first year of varsity basketball was one of the toughest experiences I had to go through, and challenged me both physically and mentally.
Negative thoughts ran rampant through my head before game days because I knew I would be situated on the bench. I always thought to myself, "What do my friends think of me when they see me on the bench?" or "How does the girl I have a crush on feel about me since I'm not even playing?" These types of thoughts took their toll on my confidence and although it was hidden, there was a feeling of depression elicited inside me. Even in practice, I feared doing certain drills because I felt I would make a mistake and look bad, which would thus support my benchwarmer role. It was hard for me to handle the game physically also. Being the smallest kid on the team, I was roughed up quite a bit. I was also asked to participate in both varsity practice and junior varsity practices, and had to go through four hours of basketball each day. I was eventually worn out by the time I finally got home.
I was able to overcome these mental and physical challenges just by thinking differently and seeing others reactions. I realized my friends were just there to enjoy basketball and have a good time cheering the team on. The girl I liked even smiled and waved at me while I sat the bench and didn't treat me any differently when seeing me after a game. I saw players I knew that were better than me making mistakes in games, and I knew I wasn't ready to play. My coach expressed how glad he was on how dedicated I was to basketball, especially with my willingness to go through two practices, and talked about how was improving at the game itself. Physically my body just got used to the wear and tear, and I became stronger.
Overall, I was able to get through my junior season just by viewing things differently and not being so hard on myself. I learned that the biggest thing was you just have to think positive and stay confident. I also took notice of some qualities I gained or hadn't realized I had throughout the season, such as my work ethic, dedication and being able to understand my role on the team. Now, my senior season is coming up and I've stayed dedicated and worked hard on my skills and hope to become a valuable asset to the team; however I believe I also have the tools to make it through another year of having no playing time, tools such as giving my best effort, staying confident and just staying positive no matter what.
Your essay is good, but you need to find some new words. I think you need to improve your diction.
Also avoid the using of contractions (you use them several times.)
My advise is to check it again and try to find where is exactly where you need to change words or even sentences.
Hope it helps. =)
A player's eyes follow a basketball game closely, his body lurching forward, with his chin resting on a fist, his elbows are at rest on their pressed against his thighs, a nd he has no sweat on his brow. He's not breathing hard , and he's planted firmly in his seat.
This opening sentence was too long and clunky! Do you like this way that I fixed it?
You should not be afraid to end those sentences:
I believe my first year of varsity basketball was one of the toughest experiences I had to go through. It challenged me both physically and mentally. (Now add one more sentence to the end of this first paragraph -- a sentence that conveys the main idea o the essay.)
....This describes me on game days during my first year of varsity basketball...change to ...this is what i had to go through during my first year on the varsity basketball team...
...I believe my first year of varsity basketball.. change to ...that first year on the basketball team was one of the toughest experiences I had to go through, and challenged me both physically and mentally.
