My one-sided love affair with Vassar began when I first read the 'Mads Vassar' blog. Little by little, as the quirky details emerged, I started seeing myself at Vassar. When I read about the dialogue programs like 'Mixing it up' and conversational dinners, I came to realize what my life was missing. I grew up in a school where debating against the established ideas was discouraged and controversial issues were swept under the rug. Prayer was mandatory, but its interpretation, not so much. So the environment of Vassar, where all views and ideas are discussed and respected, appeals to me immensely. Physics is my favourite subject. So I am very fascinated by Dr Debra Elmegreen's research on distant galaxies which gives us a peek at the past of our universe. It would be amazing to listen to her ideas on astronomy. Since its intellectual atmosphere seems tailor made for me, I plan to enjoy studying in Vassar for the next four years.
So the environment of Vassar,----use THEREFORE rather than so
Physics is my favourite subject.----This sentence was introduced too abruptly and without any suitable transition, leading to incoherence in your writing.You should introduce the sentence with something like---I am also fascinated by Dr.Debra Elemegreens research on distant planets as physics is my favourite subject.
I liked the spirited and fun vibe that your essay possesses. However, i feel as though you will improve your chances at admission much further if u SHOW ur passion and obsession with vassar rather than just TELL us about it.
You should go into greater depth when you evaluate and delineate the thoughts and feelings that are aroused in you at the prospect of being a part of Vassar's intellectually free community and how much that would mean to you.These changes, if you can pull them off well and appear sincere and committed while doing so, will definitely make your essay stand out in the melee of similar essays that the adcoms have to navigate through.GOOD LUCK
This is actually really good. I especially liked when you talked about Dr Elmegreen it shows that you have researched the school and have clearly defined goals for your time at Vassar.
So the environment of Vassar, where all views and ideas are discussed and respected, appeals to me immensely. Physics is my favourite subject.I don't like the transition between these two sentences. I think it would be better if you wrote:
So the environment of Vassar, where all views and ideas are discussed and respected, appeals to me immensely.Moreover,I am very fascinated by Dr Debra Elmegreen's research on distant galaxies which gives us a peek at the past of our universe.
Saying physics is your favorite subject, doesn't add anything to the essay. You would be better off if related your love of physics to her astronomy research. Does she use certain physics principles in her exploration of the universe? Does she specialize in astrophysics? show the link between the two so that your essay makes more sense.
At the end you say Since its intellectual atmosphere..., whose intellectual atmosphere is made for you? astronomy? because that's the idea I'm getting from the sentence. You could say: Vassar's intellectual atmosphere seems tailor made for me and I plan to flourish as student here.
Good Luck!!
Thanks both of you.
maroon, I wish I could say more but the commonapp limit is 500 char and since I'll be uploading the document I want to keep it less than 1000. But I'll surely improve the transition.
DMA17..thanks for the rewording. It sounds much better now. I'll upload a edited one soon.
It's sounds and flows much better now.You paint a nice picture of yourself and i believe it will stand out among the other supplements that the adcoms will receive.Stick to this....GOOD LUCK
Thanks a lot maroon.
