Prompt:
Brief Personal Statement (required of all applicants) - In 250-300 words, tell us more about you and why you are considering VCU
Ideas/comments/advice/revisions would be greatly appreciated.
If someone had an idea, one that was insightful, and intriguing; you should notice them. If someone raised their voice way out loud, screaming until their eyes were bleeding; you would notice them. Chicago allusion aside, my parents should have named me Amos, because through out my life my creative opinions and thoughts have been constantly tossed into the hoop above the trashcan. Even a sophomore at my previous high school, I could be seen in the theater after rehearsals taking notes. Occasionally we would run into a problem with the way we executed a scene, so I tried to suggest resolutions. My ideas were relevant, and sometimes out of the box, but always got a thumbs down with out any explanation from my director. What made it worse was later, one of my fellow actors would suggest, verbatim, my same idea. My director would rant on and on about how she should of thought of that. I must have had something in my teeth that day. I could understand compromising ideas, but blatantly dismissing someone's thought is like a theoretical slap in the face. Frankly, I was tired of it so I stood up for myself confronted her. For standing up for what I believe in, I was temporarily suspended from theater.
Hopefully, by attending VCU, I can finally have my creative voice heard, as well as expanding my pallet. I want it to be recognized, but that does not mean intention is to be louder or better than anyone. I want to be in an environment with people of similar mindsets, working toward a common goal. I want to taste the creative juices of others and have others taste my own.Call me the connoisseur of creative juices. Maybe at VCU, people will know I am there.
Chicago reference! Except you have not said 'Chicago' anywhere, so I think you should.
Also, this actually comes off a bit negative. I'm left thinking 'how does he/do I know his ideas really are good? Why doesn't he speak up and assert himself-does that make him a weak candidate? Will he be able to handle collegiate education?' Especially when you say 'If someone had an idea, one that was insightful, and intriguing; you would notice them.'-> then are you saying your ideas are not insightful/intriguing?
I think you should angle this to be because you moved high schools, because then you'd be pitiable and not just sketchy.
On the other hand, lines like 'Maybe at VCU, people will know I am there' are painful, and so good; I think everyone either been a Mr. Cellophane, knows a Mr. Cellophane, or regrets dismissing a Mr. Cellophane, and that makes them recall their personal Mr. Celophane(it did for me, at any rate). I just think you need to make the rest of the essay really heartfelt in describing sorrow and, most importantly, ACCEPTANCE of the situation.
Hope I helped!
I think you need the word "as" here:
Even as a high school sophomore, as a sophomore at my previous I could be seen in the theater after rehearsals taking notes.---I simplified this a little.
Call me the connoisseur of creative juices. ---wow! I guess so!
Maybe at VCU, people will know I am there.---This is so poignant and unforgettable. I think it is going to be a successful essay!
What do you mean by "theoretical" slap in the face? You may be using the word in a way that makes sense with the metaphor, but... really, it is unnecessary to include the word theoretical. Just say, "slap in the face."
:-)
