In my tenure as class vice-president, I have experienced the importance of honest hard work. Through various opportunities to work with students, teachers, faculty and other members of my high school community, there has been no substitute for the investment. I've spent a good number of days going to school before dawn and leaving past dusk. Although I may lack Vitamin D, my time commitment has allowed me to fully devote myself to a cause I believe in. My locker is currently filled with Spirit Chains, markers, posterboard, scissors, and staplers. No, I'm not a fifth grader; I am the Vice-President of my class. To remain an organized and focused leader is my sole responsibility. This is not to say that I have not had help. Alongside other class officers and sponsors, I have established a legacy of commitment, hard work, and vigor. The experience has taught me that communication, teamwork, and a personal dedication can consistently help one prosper.
I know it's pretty weak, so are there any pointers on what I can do to strengthen it?
The main thing I can think of is to get rid of the "My locker is..." sentence, which comes out of nowhere, and maybe briefly describe a particular event or accomplishment of yours. Also the second sentence could be a little clearer. (The investment of what?)
"This is not to say that I have not had help. Alongside other class officers and sponsors, I have established a legacy of commitment, hard work, and vigor. The experience has taught me that communication, teamwork, and a personal dedication can consistently help one prosper."
Maybe look into subbing something like "By working alongside other class officers, I have learned valuable lessons about the importance of commitment, hard work, and vigor". It's just a suggestion, but the first two sentences I quoted sound slightly disconnected to me. And for the last sentence, I would reword "can consistently help one prosper".
Good luck!
Also, if you have time, could you read my Duke essay?
