Hey guys! This is the essay I want to submit, but I can't think of what to do to improve it. Please help!
Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
My community can be summed up in two words-Las Vegas. The city that's larger than life, that lures people in with dreams of grandeur and promise is home to one, large multicultured community. In only takes a few moments to recognize it all around. When I enter my best friend's home, I immediately spot notes written in hasty, somewhat messy Tagalog on one side of the table and a carefully placed Book of Mormon on the other half. In school, a Mexican dance troupe performs for a special Christmas festival alongside a booth with translations of the Spanish words spoken in the song they dance to. Polynesian and Chinese booths are set up in designated areas of the famous Las Vegas strip and the smells of fresh dumplings fill the air. Even on my own street, I espy men and women, dressed in their Sunday best, walking to or from the local Synagogue.
I, being African American, contribute a small, but a significant amount to the multiculturism in the city. I bring with me my own ideology from my hometown, Detroit.
The ideology of the hard worker, the man or woman that puts in long hours in order to achieve what they will. I share my choice in music, varied R&B and Motown classics, with my Filipino, Chinese, and English best friends. My family and I have put together and presented a demonstration of our holiday of choice, Kwanzaa, to share with friends and their families in school. In Las Vegas, African American ideals and culture is only a piece of something much greater in a city of multiple backgrounds and people.
If you're looking to give it that something extra... hmm.
You say Vegas, that immediately speaks of sparkle and glamour to a total outsider (like me). Maybe because of that influence, I might encourage you not to follow any bright-lights cliches, but to jump the language up a few notches. You could throw in a few more adjectives and make the piece more descriptive - the descriptions you use give personality to Vegas, which makes it interesting.
I might take out or replace a number of words that slow it slightly. Take these recommendations with a pinch of salt, but some of them might make a difference.
"lures people in with dreams of" --> remove 'in'
"is home to one" --> is one / hosts one (less wordy)
"a few moments to recognize it all around" --> a minute to recognise it
"I immediately spot " --> do something about "immediately" (it slows the sentence)
The rest of that paragraph moves well. Basically, what I'm suggesting is to make the piece as fast-paced as possible, without formality or wordiness. This might not be the impression you want to give, but it could add a bit of vivre, liveliness, to the piece.
Let's change a word and move this comma:
to one, large multicultured community.
to one large, multicultural community.
typo: espy
I'll remove a comma here and change the wording for clarity:
As an African American, I contribute a small but a significant amount to the multiculturalism in the city.
In Las Vegas, African American ideals and culture is are only a piece of something much greater in a city of multiple backgrounds and people.
or you can do this:
... ideals and culture is represent only a piece of something much greater in a city of multiple backgrounds and people.
Also... I just noticed an incomplete sentence:
The It is the ideology of the hard worker, the man or woman that puts in long hours in order to achieve what they will.
:-)
