Hey there everyone! I am new to this site and I am currently applying to college. Below is my college admission essay which is supposed to be around 500 words. I am pretty much set on the introduction paragraph, the second paragraph, and the conclusion. The area I am having trouble with is the third paragraph. The main idea of my essay is how I want to inspire people and how I have done so in the past. I want to incorporate some of my Moroccan and middle-eastern ethnicity into the essay as well. Any help with my essay would be extremely appreciated. Once again thank you guys!
I waited off stage, behind the curtain, for my cue. My heart was racing and I felt my cheeks growing unbearably warmer. I gripped the cherry lozenge in my pocket, which my younger brother Andrew had given to me, tightly, and with sweaty hands as I tried to breathe slowly and tell myself I had rehearsed thoroughly, and I had nothing to worry about. But in reality, I had everything to worry about. I could hear the sounds of a large crowd, although somewhat muffled, while behind the curtain. That velvet curtain was all that separated me from a large arena filled with people of different ages, races, and religions. The audience watched the velvet curtain as if they were expecting to witness an event as momentous as the Gettysburg Address or even for a person as great as Mahatma Gandhi, or even Martin Luther King Jr. to appear. I could not have compared myself to these two men, so how could I ever hope to inspire the crowd the way in which my predecessors had?
As the curtains began to open, the spotlight's amber and yellow rays blinded me to the point where I could see nothing. After a matter of seconds, when my vision finally adjusted, I realized I had not been behind any curtain at all and that rather, I was in my bed and had merely been dreaming. The day I woke up from this dream was the day I decided I would be someone who is as great as those aforementioned men. I promised myself that I would stop at nothing to do something with my life that would leave the world a little better than the world I had woken up to on that day.
(My passion for inspiring others fermented in me at a young age. As a child during the holiday of Hanukah, I would wake up to the intoxicating smell of the Okra soup which my grandmother had brought with her from her native Morocco. After the large family meal, my brother and I would take it upon ourselves to put on a performance for the entire family. We would sing the traditional songs of our Moroccan heritage for our family during the holidays. After many years of singing together, my brother and I went on to perform for thousands of people via Youtube, and even went on to sing at Carnegie Hall.)
Most people live life on the path set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But once in a people are inspired to make their lives everything they want it to be, and I hope to be a person who inspires others around me.
I waited off stage, behind the curtain, waiting for my cue. My heart was racing and I felt my cheeks growing unbearably warmer . I gripped the cherry lozenge in my pocket, which my younger brother Andrew had given to me, tightly, and with sweaty hands as I tried to breathe slowly and tell myself I had rehearsed thoroughly, and I had nothing to worry about. But in reality, I had everything to worry about. I could hear the sound of a large crowd, although somewhat muffled, whilestart to form . That velvet curtain was all that separated me from a large arena filled with people of different opinions and views of me.of different ages, races, and religions. The audience's eyes were fixated onwatched the velvet curtain as if they were expecting to witness an event as momentous as the Gettysburg Address or even for a person as great as Mahatma Gandhi, or even Martin Luther King Jr. to appear. I could not have compared myself to these two men, so how could I ever hope to inspire the crowd the way in which my predecessors had?
As the curtains began to open, the spotlight's amber and yellow rays blinded me to the point where I could see nothing. After a matter of seconds, when my vision finally adjusted. I realized I had not been behind any curtain at all, and that rather, I was in my bed and had merely been dreaming .(You don't need to state the dreaming, its already clear)
Shorty after waking up,The day I woke up from this dream was the day I decided I would be someone who is as great.as those aforementioned men. I promised myself that I would stop at nothing to do something with my life that would leave the world a little better than the world I had woken up to on that day.
(My passion for inspiring others fermented in me at a young age. As a child during the holiday of Hanukah, I would wake up to the intoxicating smell of the Okra soup which my grandmother had brought with her from her native Morocco. After the large family meal, my brother and I would take it upon ourselves to put on a performance for the entire family. We would sing the traditional songs of our Moroccan heritage for our family during the holidays. After many years of singing together, my brother and I went on to perform for thousands of people via Youtube, and even went on to singsang at Carnegie Hall.)
Most people live life on the path set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But an inspiration can come alongin a people areto inspire people to make their lives everything they want it to be, and I hope to be a person who inspires others around me.that inspiration one day.
Comments:
-Pretty good story
-Is the Moroccan section part of the essay? It seems a bit misplaced. Try to tie it in better. Like, say how your Moroccan heritage inspired you and how this inspiration will help you to inspire others.
-If you still have more words to spare, write about HOW you will inspire.
Thank you so much for the speedy response! As for the Moroccan part of the essay, I was merely using that idea as an example of something I might use to write about for that paragraph. I guess I will use it instead to talk about how I hope to inspire. Once again thank you so much!
No problem! Can you check out mine??
Yea for sure! Not sure of the extent of which I can help, but I will read it over and tell you what I think.
