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"my venture in French" - University of Florida Essay


dancingpenguin 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2009   #1
Please read it and tell me any improvements I should make.
Thank you :)

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

When I signed up for French class in ninth grade, I could've cared less about mastering the language - The only thing on my mind was earning the credits I needed for graduation. Throughout the lessons, however, my mindset began to change - My eyes adjusted to the genders of the words, and the inversion of sentences. My ears gripped the unique pronunciation such as the slurs on the Rs. The beauty of the French language overwhelmed me, and soon after I earned my required credits, I found myself signing up for the class again. The alien tongue tickled me and gave me joy - which ultimately molded my fervor for knowledge.

I continued French for three years. In my sophomore year, I've become so addicted to the language that my friends called me "The most French-iest, Japanese person ever." It is an adoring title, but not as flattering as being nominated the President of the National French Honor's Society. Serving as president for a year was good enough, but in my junior year, I was voted again as President by my peers. Being President of the French Honor Society was a great experience because it allowed me to have the opportunity to lead and organize the club's events. Passion for knowledge and dedication in the coursework are qualities I would like to contribute to the University of Florida.

As I continued my venture in French, the criteria became harder. I worked on enhancing my writing as well as verbal skills, and over time, I've began to appreciate the constructive criticism provided by my peers. Before my enrollment in French class, I've always had the trouble of turning a negative comment into a seed of success. After many peer reviews, presentations, and read-out-louds, however, I've grown to accept (even yearn for) improvements. The class has changed me into a positive-thinking individual - one willing to rise up to the standard and always leave room for progress.

In the summer of 2009, I visited France with my mother, and I was thrilled by the fact that I understood the words coming out of the natives' mouths. The A's on quizzes and presidency can never surmount to the joy I felt at that precise moment - the moment I realized that I had a solid stance on the language that I love. All the hard work was not done in vain - As I have learned through the three years in French, passion and dedication goes hand-in-hand, each holding a key to success. I put a 120 percent effort into everything I did, from mere class work, to big projects. I met deadlines regardless of the number of club meetings I had that week. Passion drove me in the class, and I believe passion will also guide me in the University of Florida.
CarrieC92 6 / 16  
Oct 11, 2009   #2
I think the essay overall is really, really good.
One thing I do suggest is to start a new paragraph where it says "As I have learned through three years in French..."

From that on, it sounds like a conclusion, summing up what you have already talked about.
OP dancingpenguin 1 / 1  
Oct 11, 2009   #3
Yay! Thank you very much, I will do that :)
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 11, 2009   #4
passion and dedication goes hand-in-hand, each holding a key to success. I put a 120 percent effort into everything I did,

Two things here: you've already used the expression 'hand-in-hand' once above. Twice in a short essay is too much. The expression is rather trite to begin with, and doesn't carry the expressive power it once did. Try to find a fresh new way to say the same thing.

The same is true with 120 percent. Uggghh!!! It is nearly meaningless. Of course I understand that you mean more effort than required. But again, try to find a unique way to say the same thing without being so cliche.

Otherwise, your essay is fine..


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