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My Ventures Into The New Lands - harvard supplemental


sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 2, 2012   #1
prompt is : write about anything you want tell us more about .

My Ventures Into The New Lands
Though the title may appear something of an Arabian Nights adventure memoir, it really serves to detail what my inner self felt travelling through the various parts of Europe two summers back. From the time I gained the ability to take my personal decisions, travelling has been a major part of them. Meeting new people, becoming a part of new culture and of course, the taste of exotic cuisines act as an aphrodisiac for me. So catering to my travelling "need", during my sophomore high school year, I won a trip to some of the European countries as a part of a history competition organized by Directorate of Education. The day I still remember, it was the first rain of the season when I boarded the airplane (for the first time). After a tiresome journey of 8 hours, finally we landed on the soils of Rome, the harbor of many great leaders. The 30 minute ride from the airport to hotel was a journey through 300 years of history. As we passed by the Colosseum and Roman Forum, we could feel the presence of gladiators and orators in the atmosphere. The next day brought us before the famous Trevi fountain (where I threw in a penny to wish for a great university admission, which I hope to get fulfilled) and an inner view of the city itself as we traveled on foot from one place to other. Another great adventure of that day was visiting the Vatican City. The aura of St.Peter's Church left me with awe and a crooked neck, from staring at Michelangelo's Art for approximately an hour. With a craving for more, we left the town following day and headed for the Paris. The city of lights and the home of croissants offered a stark contrast to the ancient ruins of Rome and came as a moment for rejuvenation. Our first destination was undoubtedly the Eiffel tower. From the ground we were mesmerized by its size, from the top by the view of the night time city. Here we got a chance to interact with local people and learn about their culture. Paris represents a cosmopolitan environment with a fine blend of ethnicity with modernism, like the blend of its mouthwatering cuisine. Its people are quite welcoming but at the same time take pride in their city, without letting anyone tarnish it (one of my friends got a good piece of "advice" by a local on throwing an empty wafers packet in open). Next day we headed for Louvre museum - the true venture into renaissance history. For me, witnessing Leonardo's work with my own eyes was a dream come true. A friendly French museum curator guided us through that, telling us great stories behind each piece of art and teaching us some French too. Finally, our time in Paris ended and we boarded the aircraft for London. As we had only a day in London we didn't get much to see but a lot to interact. Our prime purpose in London was to gain understanding of new culture and ethnicity, along with some visits to historical places like Tower of London. We interacted with Local students at a high school, spend some time in local marketplaces and visited a local concert. People were quite open in their reception and made us feel at home. But the time flew by and the day came when we left from the Heathrow airport and stepped back on soils of Delhi with memories for life. Interestingly, it was raining that day again.
qasderwdw 9 / 36 1  
Dec 3, 2012   #2
Hey :)
I am no excellent writer, but I am hoping my feedback will help you even a little bit!

You seem to have very good writing skills!- good descriptive language.

However, what would the college admins will get out of reading this essay?
I think some of it runs long so maybe cut short some of the descriptions of the monuments and historical places.
Then add more of what makes this experience unique...
For example, although the essay prompt doenst say so, why don't you try incorporating what YOU got out of this experience instead of just talking about what happened during your Europe travels?

It would also be easier to read if this was divided into separate paragraphs :)
Oh and 8 should be 'eight' - just a rule
This is just my opinion, and you don't have to listen to me, because I think everyone has their own style of writing!
Well, Good luck :)
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 3, 2012   #3
thanks for the advice . i will include that in my essay .
admission2012 - / 481 90  
Dec 3, 2012   #4
This essay alone is enough to have Harvard to reject you. It is literally you just babbling without any real rhyme or reason about your trip(s). There is no depth to this essay and furthermore, you spout incorrect information such as your journey from the airport past the colosseum being a journey back 300 years in time when the Colosseum is well over 2,000 years old. These errors will demonstrate to the admissions committee that you are writing what you think they want to read and not about something you have a deep passion about. Make it really personal, talk candidly about your emotions, what you learned and took from the experience. - AAO

Hope this helps
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 4, 2012   #5
thanks for the response @admission2012 . I am currently in process of modifying my essay and incorporate more about my experiences as you said.
Premed0 5 / 10 1  
Dec 4, 2012   #6
I see a lot of descriptive language in this essay, which is good, but I think you need to state observations and how you felt during the trip less and focus on the influential aspects of the trip. How did it change you or teach you something? Just by reading this, I couldn't understand why you wrote something that anyone could have written about a simple trip or vacation. You need to personalize this trip and make it stand out as a pivotal point in your life. Otherwise, why should Harvard care? They are already harsh enough as it is with their admissions. I strongly agree with Kevin (admissions012).
college134nj - / 44 7  
Dec 5, 2012   #7
REally guys? I thought it was quite well written. I felt myself traveling iwth him as he went throughout europe. the way u connected the end was very touching.

only comment for me is to cut down on the parenthetical stuff... try to incorporate it directly into the text instead.
OP sarthakjain 19 / 58  
Dec 6, 2012   #8
I have made some changes in my essay , cut down descriptions of monuments and added some anecdotes and experiences . but I am afraid it appears a little cliche . please evaluate this new one and also tell if i should go with the old one or the new one or something completely different. I would also like to submit this for yale . it is yale quality ?

prompt for harvard : write about anything you want tell us more about .
prompt for yale : In this second essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application-or on something that you would like to say more about. We ask that you limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

My Ventures Into The New Lands
Though the title may appear something of an Arabian Nights adventure memoir, it really serves to detail what my inner self felt travelling through the various parts of Europe two summers back. From the time I gained the ability to take my personal decisions, travelling has been a major part of them. Meeting new people, becoming a part of new culture and of course, the taste of exotic cuisines act as an aphrodisiac for me. So catering to my travelling "need", during my sophomore high school year, I won a trip to some of the European countries as a part of a history competition organized by Directorate of Education.

The day I still remember, it was the first rain of the season when I boarded the airplane for the first time. After a tiresome journey of eight hours, finally we landed on the soils of Rome, the harbor of many great leaders. The 30 minute ride from the airport to hotel was a journey through 3000 years of Roman history. As we passed by the Colosseum and Roman Forum, we could feel the presence of gladiators and orators in the atmosphere. The next day brought us before the famous Trevi fountain where I threw in a penny to wish for a great university admission (which I hope to get fulfilled) and an inner view of the city itself. The city is far more than a historical site. It is a site of vibrant culture similar, yet subtly different from India. People here were more inclined towards remaining calm and composed, while agitation was common over petty issues in Delhi. The life was without rush, soothing the minds of travelers like myself. That was the main takeaway for me - the importance of silence in life. Relaxed with our thoughts, we left the town following day and headed for the Paris.

The city of lights and the home of croissants offered a stark contrast to the ancient ruins of Rome and was a site of endless activity. Our first destination was undoubtedly the Eiffel tower. From the ground we were mesmerized by its size, from the top by the view of the night time city. Here we got a chance to interact with local people and learn about their culture. Paris represents a cosmopolitan environment with a fine blend of ethnicity with modernism, just like the blend of its mouthwatering cuisine. Its people are quite welcoming but at the same time take pride in their city, without letting anyone tarnish it .One of my friends got a good piece of "advice" by a local on throwing an empty wafers packet in open. The city was filled with people who admired life and its beauty. Here, they take an optimistic look towards challenges and turn them into an ally, which I learned from this 50 year old widow we happened to meet at Louvre museum. She had to work for 16 hours a day at the museum to support her three daughters, carrying stuff around but was livelier than a 14 year old adolescent. When I asked about her optimism, the only answer I got was "Here in Paris, challenges are not considered a punishment, but an opportunity given to learn more and come out as a better being." This I will never forget.

Witnessing two widely different cultures left an indelible impression on my mind. It helped me grow, it helped me learn. Winning that competition wasn't just a successful endeavor, but a life changing experience for me. With sweet memories and a fresh look at life, I boarded the flight back to Delhi .Interestingly, it was raining again when we landed back to our home.


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