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VEX Robotics tournament - I gained better programming and design skills, engineering interest


imacoolkid 1 / 1  
Oct 31, 2015   #1
The essay can only be 150 words (which exactly how many words i have). I would like some feedback on the content of the essay as well as the mechanics. Thanks in advance!!

Robotics - What single activity listed in the activity section are you most proud of and why?

My team's first ever VEX Robotics tournament consisted of ogling at the complicated robots that many teams had built, wondering why we didn't have NASA sponsoring us and ranking in the bottom 10 teams. Four years later, as I look back upon our robotics career, I realize that we have grown immensely. While my team did not have the expensive materials that other teams had, we were able to learn from our mistakes every year and were soon able to reach the stage where we could compete against these teams in the finals of the tournaments. While robotics may not be the extracurricular that I succeeded the most in (violin), it has helped me better my programming skills, taught me valuable design skills and sparked an interest in an engineering career. I am proud of how much my team and I have learned and improved since that very first tournament.

P.S. The essay is for Columbia university.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 31, 2015   #2
The essay can use a little clarification in terms of content and there are some references that can be removed. These adjustments will bring down the word count and also tighten the message of the essay. I know that the word count says it has a 150 maximum count but you do not really have to use the total word count. The reviewer just wants you deliver a focused and well developed short answer. Even if it is shorter than 150 words. I'll revise your statement to show you an example of how to edit it to become more prompt compliant.

My team's first ever VEX Robotics tournament consisted of ogling at the complicated robots that many teams had built, wondering why we didn't have NASA sponsoring us and ranking in the bottom 10 teams I WONDERED IF NASA WAS NOT SPONSORING US BECAUSE OUR TEAM WAS IN THE BOTTOM 10. . Four years later, as I look back upon our robotics career, I realize that we have grown immensely. While my team did not have the expensive materials that other teams had, we were able to learn from our mistakes IMPROVE every year and were soon able to reach the stage where we could compete against these teams in the finals of the tournaments TOURNAMENT FINALS. While robotics may not be the extracurricular that I succeeded the most in (violin) , it has helped me better my programming skills, taught me valuable AND design skills and sparked , SPARKING an interest in an engineering career. I am proud of how much my team and I have learned and improved since that very first tournament.

As you can see, the removal of certain content and revision of certain sentences made the essay more focused and interesting for the reviewer to read. That is the aim of all short statement responses and that is what you are expected to deliver. You an either adjust the response using my samples or use my samples to modify your essay. Either way, I hope that what I showed you can help you improve your work :-)


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