Okay so the introduction started as a joke but ended up becoming my intro and i'm not even sure whether or not I'm going to use it so feedback on that would be nice, as well as the usual critiques and edits :).
Critique for critique?
Essay #1: In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
My history teacher once told me my first name, Nicholas, is Greek in origin and means victorious. My father believes our surname, Ogasa, means "little umbrella" in Japanese. Does that make me a victorious, little umbrella? I'm not sure, but I think there are three words that represent me better than those do.
I'm dynamic. When I do things, I do them with all my energy, and do them completely. When I study for a test, I completely devote myself to my books, spending hours and hours until I know I've got the material down, and then study a little more. In any athletic activity, I make sure to push my body to its limits. For example, after a workout, if I'm still able to do one pushup, I go back to lifting weights until that pushup is impossible. My wrestling coach gave me the Coach's Award, saying I was the hardest working member of the team, and it showed as after only one year of training I made the varsity team.
I'm spontaneous. My motto is "One opportunity can become a thousand experiences," and so whether it's doing something new or embracing the chance to excel, I never hesitate to jump in. Many times I surprise even myself when I agree to participate in an event or try a new activity, but at the end of the day I never regret it. Occasionally I'll suddenly introduce myself to a complete stranger or visit places I'd never even considered on the slightest whim. Last summer, my spontaneity took me on a home stay in a small Japanese fishing village, as well as a weeklong backpacking adventure in New Mexico.
I'm broad-minded. One of Zen's most basic principles is that nothing in the universe is better or worse than anything else. Everything just is. Following this concept, I always accept and embrace things as they are no matter what that may be. My openness has led me to discover my strongest passions, including Zen philosophy, Dean Koontz novels, martial arts, fly-fishing, and poetry. I never look at things as weird or freakish; instead I give them a shot and a chance. I readily accept things as they are and I'm actually comfortable outside my comfort zone.
I believe that with my energetic drive, whimsical outlook, and open mind, I can positively influence Boston University. With these traits I know I can become a hard working member of many study groups, classrooms, clubs, events, and activities at B.U. I'll be sure to connect with many different people, and I know I can become an active participant at the school, taking full advantage of any and all opportunities. By completely immersing myself in all aspects of the school, I know that I can not only become a well rounded individual, but can help others to do the same. So while I don't know if I'm a victorious, little umbrella, I do know that I can become a strong addition to Boston University.
My history teacher once told me my first name, Nicholas, is Greek in origin and means "victorious" . My father believes our last name, Ogasa, means "little umbrella" in Japanese.
I believe that with my energetic drive, my whimsical outlook, and an/my open mind,
You are off to a very strong start, and I really like the intro it is very catchy and unique and I think it will really stick with your reader. I didn't do an official word count but i would assume that you are slightly over the limit. One way to slightly reduce your word count is to condense each of your examples of your personality. I think it would also benefit you to include a sentence in each of the paragraphs describing how that word fits your personality how that translates well to BU. Just a suggestion, but I like the conclusion it connects everything, but I believe that you could maybe jazz it up a little bit and tie back your "victorious little umbrella" intro.
Hope this helps!
good essay, really shows the reader who you are. I think your intro is very good.
just a few phrasing issues:
never previously considered, just on the slightest whim
"never even considered"
my body to its limits, for example after a workout lifting weights, if I can still do one pushup after I've finished, then I go back to lifting weights until that pushup is impossible
my body to its limits. For example, after a workout, if i am still able to do one pushup, I go back to lifting weights until that pushup is impossible.
also, i agree with rvk26, try to combine a bit of your intro into the conclusion, so it goes full circle
i like ur essay. its semi-unique. but no offense, while your conclusion is "strong", its the type of conclusion that's been used by so, so, so, many students (which is why i've tried not to do that) and become drab and boring.
your spontaneous paragraph makes it sound like you're a saint and is a little too fake. maybe you should use some stronger show examples rather than listing?
but overall, its tightly written, which is good
btw, could you look at mine too?
