Hello,
I'm Currently working on my UWC admission essay and this is the fisrt time I've applied for a schorlarship so there ay be many mistakes. This is my essay:
Topic: Please write a statement of not more than 300 words explaining why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing both what you might contribute to the College and what you hope to gain.Since I was a little boy, I have always had a burning desire to do something great - being an ambassador. I want to go abroad, meet friends from all over the world and show them how beautiful my country is. And when I heard about UWC two years ago, I knew that my chance was coming.
To me, UWC is the place where my dream comes true. UWC has an excellent academic standard as well as a friendly multicultural environment. In UWC, I will not only be provided with important knowledge but also improve my social, teaming and leadership skills, which is essential for me to follow the way that I have chosen.
At UWC, I hope to be an active contributor to the school. As a student, I will take my education seriously while getting on well with other students regardless of countries, races or colors. As a Vietnamese, I will tell other students about my country, its heroic history and how lucky we are to live in such a peaceful world. I, together with my friends, will make UWC a big family for every student, a desirable place for anyone the first time they think of "going abroad".
After my wonderful years in UWC, I will become a knowledgeable young man who can help not only myself but also take part in developing my country. I want to become an ambassador of Viet Nam who can bring its images to the rest of the world, where it is still unknown. I want that one day, when anyone says that "I am Vietnamese", people will look up to them with a sign of admiration.
Like my grandfather has always told me, "Man becomes what he thinks about", just give me a chance and you will never regret about it.
Total: 300 words
Please help me!!!
One of my grandfather's favorite sayings: "Man becomes what he thinks about." I have been thinking about...
traveling to the ____, becoming an ambassador, meeting new people.
Overall, the essay isn't terrible. It's just terribly boring. Try to imagine that you are on the admissions committee.
Advice:
- Talk about your culture. Specific things you do, eat, say. Tell us how you will bring them to campus.
- Who is your favorite ambassador? Why?
- Were any relatives appointed to positions in the government?
- Start the essay with the sentence I modified above.
- I'll be happy to read another draft.
Since I was a little boy, I have always had a burning desire to do something great - to be an ambassador.
UWC has an excellent academic standards, as well as a friendly multicultural environment.
In UWC, I will not only will I be provided with important knowledge, but I will also improve my social, team and leadership skills.These skills are essential for me to follow the way of life that I have chosen.
At UWC, I hope to beintend on becoming an active contributor to the school.
As a student, I will take my education seriously while getting on wellcooperating with other students.regardless of countries, races or colors.
After my wonderful years in UWC, I will become a knowledgeable young manuse my education and skillswho canhelp not onlyto better myself butand also take part in developingcontribute to the development of my country.
Thank you for your advice, I will reply as soon as possible
Advice:
Talk about your culture. Specific things you do, eat, say. Tell us how you will bring them to campus.
Who is your favorite ambassador? Why?
Were any relatives appointed to positions in the government?
Start the essay with the sentence I modified above.
I'll be happy to read another draft.
Thank you but I have to shoot down the reader with only 300 bullets, and I don't know how to express all of my ideas in such a short essay. Do you have any advice?
One of my grandfather's favorite sayings: "Man becomes what he thinks about."
Dicuss your culture. What makes it special. How you would bring it to campus?
300 words is not too short to express yourself. Do you know why admissions
teams want short answers? Too many students use the same words:
- UWC is the place where dreams comes true.
- UWC has excellent academic standards.
- I hope to be an active contributor to the school
- I will take my education seriously.
Try eliminating overgeneralizations and focus on adding more personal detail.
Exercise 1: List 10 things that you love about your culture.
thank you all..
I like your question very much, and maybe my answer will be like this :)
1. Vietnamese people are very friendly. To us everyone is a friend, regardless of who they are.
2. Vietnamese music: Here we have excellent pieces of folk music about every aspect of life: daily life, love, work, ect.
I think that you will like this song, just a old song in the north of our country but it was rearranged in a modern way:
mp3.zing.vn/bai-hat/Beo-Dat-May-Troi-Anh-Khang-ft-Quang-Thang/Z WZ9AIU6.html
3. Multiracial country: Viet Nam has 54 different races living all over the country, however, we are all living in peace and respect for each other.
4. Food: it would be a great mistake if I do not mention it here because Viet Nam's food are just GREAT!!!! I think no one can forget the extraordinary taste of them (just my personal opinion). Some examples may be: Pho (or exactly "phở" ), springroll, ect.
5. Beautiful sites: We have breathtaking site all around the country such as Ha Long Bay, the national Park of Cuc Phuong, Hoi An ancient town...
6. Vietnamese language: I am proud that I am Vietnamese and I am speaking Vietnamese - one of the most expressive languages in the world, we have a huge vocabulary and different uses of word to express all of our emotion in all level.
7. Marvelous history: Viet Nam has undergone many wars, invasions from other countries: China, Mongo, America and France. However we always won and get back peace to our country and people.
8. Rich in resources: Viet Nam have many types of natural resources such as oil, coal, metals... However we had never used these properly to develop our country as it should be.
9. Cultural diversity: as I have already mentioned above, we have 54 different races in one land, so we a lot of tradition that you may be interested in.
10. Finally, and this is the most important one, Viet Nam is the place where I was brought up, my family, my friends and every one that I love are here so I think I have no reason not to say that : I LOVE VIET NAM.
This time I'm applying for not only a scholarship but also a great chance of my life, so please help me. (though I know that my writing skills are really terrible :( )
My email address is truvd.95@gmail, please reply if you want to help me. Thank you!
I agree with chalumeau, especially the part about the overused generalizations. The original question states: "why you are interested in attending a United World College, describing both what you might contribute to the College and what you hope to gain." I would focus on the 3 things that they "want to hear" 1) You are interested in the school because... (focus on academic reasons, then mention how your heritage has inspired your goal of being an ambassador) 2) Think of a strong, concrete reason why you can contribute-- be unique (connect it to your ultimate goal)... not sure if being Vietnamese is really a contribution, so be specific and this part does not need to be long. 3) what you hope to gain-- this is key, the most important point you could make. The college wants to hear that you are a person with a plan- focus on that- briefly state your short term and long term goals, and explain how the college will give you the knowledge, skills, and experience to achieve that goal (I like the word goal much better than "dream") Good luck, please repost if you have anything else to review :) we are here to help!
Thank you, Jenny :))
I think that you will like this song, just a old song in the north of our country but it was rearranged in a modern way:
mp3.zing.vn/bai-hat/Beo-Dat-May-Troi-Anh-Khang-ft-Quang-Thang/ZWZ9AIU6 .html
Talk about this song. Why you like it, and how it relates to UWC. Or, pick a favorite author/writer.
Pick one or two of your favorite dishes/food. Discuss how the U would be able to incorporate it into the lunch menu or how you would like to create an international food day in your dorm once a month.
[i] Vietnamese language: I am proud that I am Vietnamese and I am speaking Vietnamese - one of the most expressive languages in the world, we have a huge vocabulary and different uses of word to express all of our emotion in all level. Does UWC offer Vietnamese as a foreign language?If so, you may offer your services as an assistant to the class. If not, you may suggest creating an independent study for seniors who wish to add Vietnamese to their belt of Asian languages. Perhaps create a website with your approach to teaching Vietnamese to English-speakers?
Let's get the structure worked out first. The university is interested in how you can contribute to the campus.
Keep up the good work!
Thank you for you briliant idea!!
In addition, I have played guitar for 5 years and I'm a blue bell in karate. Currently, I'm the editor of my school's studying newspaper and have experience in holding evens and being a MC.
I think that social experiences and personal abilities can help, but how can I bring them into my essay and are they really needed in this case?
I am thinking of something like holding a music club ("heal the world" - like MJ has done with his music) or at least join a school band, what do you think?
In addition, I have played guitar for 5 years and I'm earned a blue belt in karate. Currently, I'm the editor of my school's studentying newspaper and have experience in hosting events holding evens and being an MC.
I would focus on the newspaper (kudos to you) and being an MC. The newspaper makes you look really smart and the MC bit makes you look composed and at ease in front of an audience. Would it be possible to translate the student UWC newspaper into Vietnamese? Would it be possible to offer these skills?
Hi, I'm Pearly, I just wanted to train my writing skills, would someone be kind enough to check my essay please...
I'm really hope you'll do something...thank you very much.
"Some people think that schools are merely turning children into good citizens and workers, rather than benefiting them as in individuals." To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is no denying the fact that schools play an extreme important role in almost people's life. Someone may say that schools are merely educating children become good citizens and workers that it does not bring the private benefits to them. In my point of view schools are not only training children to be useful people, but also giving them a great deal of the other benefits.
To begin with, those who believe that schools are just the places where teenage would be educated to be good people and employees have cogent reasons for it. First of all, perhaps since they are born, schools are the second places they have seen after their house. It means that from now on they will be contacted completely a new environment experienced with newer, wider things in reality as well as learned how to get into relationship with friends and treat others. Second point is they may be trained of ethics and lifestyles rather thorough. Generally speaking, all of these things are in order to children into honest citizens and workers.
However, if this issue is considered thoroughly, schools also benefit them as personalities more than that. Above all, by studying at schools through on text books, certain subjects such as mathematic, geography, art...that would equip them basic knowledge to improve themselves as well as on the way to get next goals. In addition, schools are still a great environment for training and developing their skills through a variety of competitions here between friends to friends. This will make children stronger, fuller, and better man. More strongly, it is undeniable that with the good achievements in academic result, what this will lead to is that they will have good opportunities to go further in the future.
In conclusion, education always plays an important role in our lives, in particular with adolescent generation who should be supposed to be at the school. Believing that if children could receive a good education today they will not only be good citizens in society but also with whatever in the future they can be.
Words: 347
Since I was a little boy sounds a little amateurish, perhaps you could replace it with since youth?
A little spelling error at the part about becoming an ambassador "Viet Nam" (?) shouldn't it be Vietnam?
I think your ending should sound a little more humble. Instead of telling them how they will never regret giving you the chance, why not say how much you'll appreciate them for the chance if given?
My two cents worth.
I think all of the suggestions here are wonderful. As far as the essay requirements I feel that you have stroked UWC's egos and given them a great amount of reasons you want to attend. You have told them quite a bit about what you will gain. I feel that perhaps you should focus a bit more - at least half - of your essay on what you will bring to them. What makes you irresistible as a potential student at their institution of higher learning? What sets you apart from the pack? Also, try to use words which will convey a feeling of excitement to your reader. Sometimes written essays can have a "Ben Stein" effect on the reader - you want these people to remember this essay and stamp "accepted" on your application! Good luck! :-)
