My deadline for this supplement is today. Please critique my essay. I feel that my conclusion isn't strong enough, can anyone give me some suggestion to make the conclusion better??
Thanks very much!
Air conditioning, comfy bed, clean clothes, tasty food and my loving family, I had always taken all these wonderful things for granted until I traveled to Thailand for my sophomore year interim service program at my high school, HKIS. The Thailand Reefs to Rainforest program was adventurous, exploratory and fun; it was also highly instructive, as among the exploration of the dark and dangerous caves, snorkeling with sharks and kayaking through the river, I learned one of the most profound lessons of my life while serving one day on a remote, impoverished island village.
On our fourth day in Thailand, when everyone was exhausted from the thrilling exploration of the past few days, our Thai brothers, who were serving as our travel guides, decided to sail us to a remote island for a relaxing day. However, when we landed ashore, my first impression of the village was gross. There were ramshackle wooden huts with garbage scattered all along the beach shore, and the unbearable odor of excrement filled the place. I thought to myself "how is this relaxing?" as I sauntered disappointedly towards the village. Our Thai brother Song met us along the way and took us to visit a local primary school located near the sea side.
The primary school did not have walls, windows, blackboards or even chairs. But from the expressions of the little kids, surprisingly, I felt nothing but joy and satisfaction. For the rest of the afternoon, my friends and I spent most of our time teaching these little kids English and building a wooden hut. Gradually I began to forget about the uncomfortable atmosphere that had bothered me initially. On a personal level, I developed a really great friendship with a boy called Chart. Chart lost his left leg due to a sailing accident when he was twelve. Although he lost his leg, he did not become discouraged, and was still striving to achieve his dream- to become a doctor. Although there was a language barrier between us, it was not insurmountable, as through his drawings and his facial expressions, I could understand both his pain and dreams. His tenacity and innocence touched me deeply.
In the evening, we built a campfire near the beach. The whole village, which was about sixty people, gathered around the fire and started to dance. While I was dancing with the villagers, I pulled out Chart from the crowd and danced with him on my back. When I saw the smile on his face, I shed a few tears.
This one day service trip pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone and take initiative to help those less fortunate than I. There is no better feeling than knowing you've made a positive impact on another person's life. I now know it is my responsibility, due to all of the privileges I have been lucky enough to receive, to help those that have been less lucky. We may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes, but our efforts are surely greatly rewarded.
Hello S. i think it is great that your writting about Thailand! =) wonderful place i just came back from there this summer.
Overall i think your essay is really good but i think a few specific details would help give your essay the extra boost =D
So here are my 2 cents:
Air conditioning, comfy bed, clean clothes, tasty food and my loving family, I had always taken all these wonderful things for granted until I traveled to Thailand for my sophomore year interim service program at my high school, HKIS.
good beginning but i think you should start to specify what part of Thailand. Phuket perhaps?
On our fourth day in Thailand, when everyone was exhausted from the thrilling exploration of the past few days, our Thai brothers, who were serving as our travel guides, decided to sail us to a remote island for a relaxing day. However, when we landed ashore (...)
this paragraph is fine
While I was dancing with the villagers, I pulled out Chart from the crowd and danced with him on my back. When I saw the smile on his face, I shed a few tears.< very thouching =)
was it a tradiational dance? any cool instruments?
We may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes, but our efforts are surely greatly rewarded.
-I was wondering did you learn any Thai? any thing from the local dialect? If so then maybe you can throw it in there- spice it up a bit.
Best of luck S.
Thanks for your thoughtful ideas! It really helps me alot :)
hey I really like your essay, so here is my suggestion, maybe it will help your essay
This one day service trip pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone and take initiative to help those less fortunate than I. There is no better feeling than knowing you've made a positive impact on another person's life. I now know it is my responsibility, due to all of the privileges I have been lucky enough to receive, to help those that have been less lucky. We may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes, but our efforts are surely greatly rewarded. (Although I know that we may not be able to perfect the word in our lifetimes or our efforts may be little, at least we would gain something much more valuable from this wonderful world.)
It's just my suggestion, best of luck
P/s: your Richmond essay is great!
Thanks for all the wonderful ideas, i have just finished my essay editing. Here is my final draft! :)
I basically changed the conclusion and added some details on what Jen suggested. Thanks for helping!!
(...) READ ABOVE FOR THE FIRST PART
In the evening, we built a campfire near the beach. The whole village, which was about sixty people, gathered around the fire and started to dance. A traditional dance called the Snake Spider dance was performed by the half naked elderly women in the village. Dancing with the rhythm of the drum beats performed by our Thai brother Song, the old ladies were dancing as hot as, or even better than the girls from our school. While I was dancing with the villagers, I pulled out Chart from the audience crowd and danced with him on my back. When I saw the innocent and pure smile on his face, I shed a few tears.When I finished dancing with Chart on my back, he slowly climbed down my back like a koala and pulled my head towards his mouth and slowly murmured in a slanted English accent, "Thank you."
"Pom ruk koon (I Love you)" I responded with happiness.
This one day service trip pushed me to step outside of my comfort zone and take initiative to help those less fortunate than I. There is no better feeling than knowing you've made a positive impact on another person's life. I now know it is my responsibility, due to all of the privileges I have been lucky enough to receive, to help those that have been less lucky. Do not underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
Do not underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around
sorry, I still think you should change your last sentence a little to make it smooth, "Do not" sound like a little rude, you could change your sentence that
And I learn a lesson that I would never underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around
what do you think?
Air conditioning, comfy bed, clean clothes, tasty food and my loving family -- I had always taken all these wonderful things for granted until I traveled to Thailand for my sophomore year oversea interim program at my high school, HKIS.
how about a dash for that first sentence?
This one-day service trip pushed me...
Don't forget that when listing items, you should put a comma before the "and" that introduces the last one. So, "it was also highly instructive, as among the exploration of the dark and dangerous caves, snorkeling with sharks, and kayaking through the river . . . "
Oh, man! I was just talking about that with someone the other day! You know, MLA says you need that comma, but Strunk and White say that you do not.
Sea is right, because your academic writing should conform to MLA, but wow, that rule is broken all the time!!
After the second to last item in lists, I sometimes I either use a comma or not depending on what I am writing.
Actually, there is a very good reason for using the comma. Sometimes some of the items in a list will also contain the word "and." In such cases, omitting the comma can cause confusion, since it will not be clear if the last two items should be considered as one thing or two.
Consider the following sentence: "He recommended that we paint the rooms according to various preset color schemes, such as grey, black and white, red, blue, and orange and pink." Here, some of the color schemes are actually single colors, while others involve two colors. Now, imagine that you don't consistently follow the comma rule to separate items in the list. This gives you: "He recommended that we paint the rooms according to various preset color schemes, such as grey, black and white, red, blue and orange and pink." It is no longer clear what the last two color schemes are. They could be either "blue and orange, and pink." or "blue, and orange and pink." Or the writer could have simply omitted the last and altogether, giving a color scheme of "blue and orange and pink." The example sentence here isn't that great, and for that I apologize, but it should demonstrate the point.
Yes, I totally hear you! For that sentence, I would use semi-colons I think, because it does make your point. Also, it just plain makes more sense to use that last comma! I agree that it is a good rule, but here is my concern: SO many people are unaware of that rule that it might actually make you look foolish when you use the rule!! Some people would look at that comma and think it was a minor error on your part!!
Here is another situation when the reader's potential lack of knowledge can make you look wrong when you are actually right: the word "apposed." I think it is proper to use the word "appose," as apposed to "opposed" in sentences like this one here. Everybody seems to think that the common expression is, "[such and such] as opposed to [such and such],"
But the word "appose" means to compare side by side! So the right way is: "[such and such] as apposed to [such and such]."
Now, if you use "appose" and the reader does not know the word "appose," s/he will think you are a goof ball who cannot spell the word "oppose."
Wow, I have never actually put that gripe into words, ha ha. Does this conversation mean we are nerds?
Yes, we are both nerds. :-) Continuing in that vein, I would say that "opposed to" is correct, as the "to" turns it into a prepositional phrase with its own meaning, which is roughly "instead of." So, I would use "opposed" as opposed to "apposed" in that construction. However, in that last sentence, I deliberate apposed the two words. However, if my reasoning is wrong, and the correct phrase turns out to be "apposed to," then that is what we should use. Just because a lot of people are ignorant and misuse the language doesn't mean they are right. That sort of populist sentiment strikes me as very, very American (No offense intended). I've noticed before that, rather than educate its citizens, America prefers to update its dictionaries. For instance, when I first saw the word "macabre," I thought it was pronounced "macaber," as many words that end in "re" are so pronounced. I eventually learned, however, that due to its French origins, it should be pronounced "muh-kah-bruh." At the time, even American dictionaries recognized that, but now most list macaber as a correct alternate pronunciation.
