Please help critic and proof read my essay:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Strength is an attribute that I learned and acquired at an early age from my mother. Growing up in a single parent household was never an easy task. Watching my mother struggle from paycheck to paycheck to provide everything that my sister and I needed, instilled the strength that I still carry with me to this day. Anytime I am faced with a tough obstacle, whether it be physically, mentally, or morally, I know I have the strength to get through it, just as my mother did.
Physically, my strength comes from the 6'3 240lbs frame that God has blessed me with. I have used my physical strength to help me become a four year starter on my high school football team, helping build it from a one and nine program to a true state playoff contender. However, my physical strength has not come easy. I have put in long, hard, gut-wrenching hours in the weight room as a three year member of my schools weightlifting team, striving to become as strong as possible.
Off the football field and out of the weight room, I also possess great intellectual strength. Like my mother, no matter how tough things get I never fold. Throughout my high school career I have challenged myself by taking some of the toughest curriculum available and becoming involved with as many clubs and extracurricular activities as possible. Although at times it seemed as though I bit off more than I could chew, I never once thought about giving up or dropping any of the courses. I just stuck my nose down and continued to persevere; never once letting my GPA falter along the way. Because of this strength and perseverance I have been awarded great honors such as: 2008 SAC all-conference academic athlete and high honor roll four years straight.
Vires is just one of the great attributes I believe I can bring with me to the Florida State University if accepted. Words fail me when I ponder how great it would be to help create FSU a better place through my continued efforts in strength and perseverance.
I think the essay is good. But, as you listed three events in your life, could you put more emphasis on one of them and elaborate it further? have a focus. impress the reader with one specific item.
I'm also a 14er so...take my advice critically.
Strength is an attribute that I learned and acquired at an early age from my mother.
This sounds like a thesis statement, as if it is going to the focus of your essay, but then you start talking about other things completely in all of your other paragraphs. So, my advice to you would be to try to unite the ideas you mention more strongly, beyond the "strength" theme, which is a bit too general to work.
