I would greatly appreciate any comments, suggestions, corrections.. and please, be brutal(:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
Through my passion of artistic pursuits described in Artes, I have fostered the values embodied in both Vires and Mores. My commitment to the arts has always provided me with a strong sense of self, a means of thinking freely and independently, and an opportunity to express profound, compelling ideas whether in pictures, paint, or prose. Artes, the driving force within my creative life, is the very foundation of my intellectual and artistic being.
The unlimited possibilities within the art world provide a means of channeling the boundless intellectual curiosities and exploratory aspirations teaming within me into the magnificent process of creation. With arms covered in paint, clay, or some new and exciting medium - the tedious manipulation of molten glass over hot flame, winding abstractions welded together piece by piece, or simple pen to paper, I lose myself in the beauty of expression. These expressions embody my spirit and provide me with endless inspiration and desire to delve further into the world of creative expression. Without these pursuits, I am an unfinished portrait of a life yet to be fully realized and fulfilled.
As Artes serves as the umbrella over the dynamics of Vires and Mores, Mores clearly defines the moral code by which I live my life - the very essence of who I am and what I embrace as an individual. Securely rooted in a foundation whereby love, honor, trust and integrity are imbued, I strive for excellence in all I pursue, never compromising the well-established values that continually guide and illuminate the way along the journey into adulthood and life. As Artes monopolizes the greater aspects of my creative life, Mores is a willing servant, steadfast and loyal. Mores provides the voice of reason and conscious during difficult or alluring moments, the rational segment that reminds me of what is real, and the strength and confidence to succeed and persevere at all I endeavor to attain and accomplish.
In as much as the longevity of the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, and Mores" provide the guiding philosophy behind the Florida State University, they too are equally reputable and entrenched within the being and spirit of this young and vital person. My life is an intricate symphony of intellectual and creative desires and excitement about my future. They are not merely words, but clearly defined concepts by which I conduct my life - a life well-balanced - a life full of potential and wonder.
You can just write another draft and post the new one below. Let me give my ieas for this draft:
That second sentence is GREAT!! You can make it more manageable with a dash:
...and an opportunity to express profound, compelling ideas -- in rhetoric, paintings, and prose.
Use " " marks when you refer to a word: ...artistic pursuits described in "Artes," I have...
This has some great writing. Oops, don't ruin it by saying something that makes no sense: In as much as the longevity of The Latin words, "Vires, Artes, and Mores" provide the guiding philosophy behind the Florida State University, and they are are also equally reputable and entrenched within my identity as and spirit of this young and vital person an aspiring artist.
You should be careful not to overdo it with the eloquence. That is a mistake I made in high school, because I was eloquent, I made my writing too flowery. Remember to stay focused on the purpose. Take out some of the flowery abstractions and replace them with specific words about what you intend to do with your education and your life. Balance that Artes with some pragmatism. That, I think, is how to make this perfect.
