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Vires, Artes, Mores: "Despite the difficulties I endured"


brennnditaa 1 / 3  
Sep 9, 2010   #1
Prompt: The Latin Words, 'Vires, Artes, Mores' have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State Unversity. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are refelcted in your life.

Instruction: No longer than 500 words

Preparing to write this essay was more than just my ticket to get into the school of my dreams, it became an opportunity to step back from my hectic routine and see how these morals have shaped me into the person that I've became over the past couple of years. The Latin words "Vires, Artes, and Mores" exemplify overall strength, beauty of skill, and character. After relating these values to myself, I've came to the conclusion that I will be an excellent addition to Florida State University.

Growing up in this day in age is a struggle. How I balance school, work, home responsibilities, and pressures from my peers defines my strengths, morally, physically and academically. As I reflected on how Vires applies to my life, I realized that living is much more than waking up and continuing daily tasks, it's having the strength to want to pursue your daily tasks and achieve your goals. Personally, my home life is much more stressful than the average teenager. In the year 2002, while most mothers and daughters were going school shopping or going out to lunch. My mother and I were taking trips to and from the hospital, because that year my mother was diagnosed with a nervous system attacking disease Multiple Sclerosis. When her body almost shut down, it was up to me, the only child, to play "mom" in our home. After this major life changing complication, it would have been very simple for me to let all the struggles keep me from my dream to be the first in my family to graduate from a university. In all honesty, it kills me seeing my mother not doing what she wishes she could do, but if it wasn't for her disease I would not be half the person or have half the strength I've inquired.

Despite the difficulties I endured while growing up, I did always find time to be a tomboy! I always loved to get dirty, and most of all show up all the boys. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out my school had an all girls flag football team! When really thinking about the true meaning of Artes, the first thing that popped into my head was when I first stepped on that green field. Just after one year I was given the honor of MVP and captain. Flag football was more than just a game to me, it was discipline, it was leadership; we were a family.

My strength and my skills have made my character. Every obstacle, and every experience made me, and I would be nothing without that. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to reflect on my life and how these philosophies behind Florida State are remarkably relatable to it! My mother, my jobs, and high school in its self, have just been my building blocks of what's to come. And honestly, I'm incredibly excited to begin the next part of my life as a Seminole.
nicmont93 4 / 9  
Sep 9, 2010   #2
avoid saying ticket into college. it's cliche and makes it sound like getting into the school is easy.
try saying "Writing this college essay was not another typical, intimidating task I had to do in order to be considered for admission to the school of my dreams; rather, it allowed me to pause from my hectic routine and see how these morals have shaped me into the person I have become over the past couple of years.

you dont wannt to use contractions in a formal essay - "I've became over the past couple of years" and make it i have.

"I've came to the conclusion that I will be an excellent addition to Florida State University." and make that i have come

also for essays, you really want to show and describe how you will be an excellent addition instead of flat out saying it.

"As I reflected on how Vires applies to my life, I realized that living is much more than waking up and continuing daily tasks, it's having the strength to want to pursue your daily tasks and achieve your goals." use a semi colon in this instance.

keep in mind, showing not telling! most important thing in writing a good essay

hope i helped a little
OP brennnditaa 1 / 3  
Sep 10, 2010   #3
WOW, thank you so much!

you think the flow of it is okay? and the information as a whole is appropriate?

again thank you so much, you did much more than help!
:)
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 10, 2010   #4
Beyond what was already said -- that you ought not use the contraction when writing a formal essay and not to use cliches -- the essay is very good and very powerful! The only comment I would like to make is to use a comma after "a nervous system attacking disease, Multiple Sclerosis." Also, you might want to consider using different terminology when describing the disease. I believe it is an "auto-immune" disease. That sounds better, I think.

Good luck. The University of Florida is a great school!

Mark
OP brennnditaa 1 / 3  
Sep 10, 2010   #5
well MS is when your immune system eats away at the convering of your nerves which makes the connection between your nerves and brain very weak. but thanks for the feedback, and for the luck!

much appreciated, Brenda :)
mea505 - / 265  
Sep 10, 2010   #6
right, and that's why it is called an "auto-immune" disease. Again, good luck!

Mark
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 11, 2010   #7
I like the way you start with a comment about the way this writing has been meaningful for you.

Check the verb tense here:
I've come to the conclusion that I will be an excellent addition to Florida State University.

Growing up in this day in age is a struggle.----I think you should replace this sentence with one that is a little more clever, a little more interesting... something less general and cliche and more specific to YOU. :-)

Very good... this is an excellent sentence: In all honesty, it kills me seeing my mother not doing what she wishes she could do, but if it wasn't for her disease I would not be half the person or have half the strength I've inquired. ---Only one problem: inquired acquired

...high school in itself , have just been my building blocks of what's to come.
OP brennnditaa 1 / 3  
Sep 12, 2010   #8
Thank you very much Kevin!
:)


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