Please review for content / errors and comment on my essay for Undergraduate Admission to FSU... THANKS!! Any help is greatly appreciated!
---------------------
Essay Prompt:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
---------------------
I can fortunately say that each of the words in the phrase "Vires, Artes, Mores" are exemplified within my life at some point or another. Each of these Latin words can represent me or an experience in my life, as I am a complex person with many callings in my life.
If I were to choose one of these words, though, to describe myself the best it would be "Vires." It translates to mean strengths of all kinds, which I feel reflects me as I am a well rounded person. I have always had a good heart, with true friends and a loving family. I am also an active guy, who loves to be outdoors, but I also am sure to stay on top of my grades, because I wouldn't want my brain to go to waste.
Family and friends are very important in my life, and who I am to them and how I am seen in their eyes has always been important to me. I want to impress those who I love. It is a sense of morality. In April 2004, my family adopted my little sister from China. She is the love of my life, and I would do anything for her. She is a brilliant little girl, and watching her grow every day is simply a miraculous thing.
Sports and outdoor activities are things that are also a big part of my life as well as strength of mine. I started playing baseball at the age of 4, and grew to love it. As I do not play anymore, I did play for 8 years, and it still has a place in my heart. I have been skateboarding now for almost 5 years, and love it with a passion. I am a competitive person, and I put everything I have into any sport I play whether it's something I just learned or have known my whole life.
I have excelled in school since early grades. A funny thing is, is that my parents were even surprised that I was so smart simply because I was such an active kid. But just in the first grade I was placed in a gifted class and ever since I have been in gifted/honors classes. I have always made good grades throughout Elementary, Middle, and High School and even received the Underclass Academic Award at Chiles High School in 2009, which is awarded for making a 3.0 or greater GPA in the school year. I always put forth all I have in order to excel in each of my classes and make the best grades possible.
As described, I believed that I am a thorough person, aptly demonstrating the true attributes of "Vires", an individual who has many strengths, ones that include good morals, physical ability, and a consummate intellect. This is why I believe that "Vires" describes me the best.
each ----> is
...each of the words in the phrase "Vires, Artes, Mores" is ...
oh, I think Mark's way is even better, because it is about how they "have been" exemplified.
But make it "has" though. Each --- has
All-----> have
Each -----> has
Well, you know what I mean!
As described, I believed that I am a thorough person, aptly demonstrating the true attributes of "Vires", an individual who has many strengths, ones that include good morals, physical ability, and a consummate intellect.--- this sentence is a big mess. It shows you have good mastery of language, but it is unnecessarily complex! :-) As a thorough person with strengths that include morality, physical ability, and intellect, I am aptly demonstrating Vires.
