I decided to focus on "Vires" for this particular essay. Any feedback or critiques would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
Until last year, I had never truly understood the concept of "vires," or strength. I had always arrived at the notion that strength was merely a physical trait, acquired through vigorous training and constant exercise. While I still believe this the forefront of the concept of "physical strength," the truth of strength is found elsewhere.
Since my child hood, I have always been athletic. Whether it is skiing, snowboarding, aggressive inline skating, swimming, football, or lacrosse, I've always been on the move. But that all changed in high school. During my freshman year, while training for lacrosse, my tendons seized up and caused a stress fracture in my lower spine. I couldn't play for the first half of the season. After much rehabilitation, I was able to play lacrosse again my sophomore year, but with a continuous pain. During my junior year, I fractured my back for the second time snowboarding, this time in two different spots. My back was too weak and I lost the chance to play lacrosse during the spring. Surgery was my only option.
It's been 4 months and 8 days since I came off of the operating table and everyday since then I have struggled to reclaim my life. Even to this day, I still have the feeling that I'm trapped in a different body, a weaker body. Nevertheless, I strive to strengthen my body through physical therapy and constant dedication. Although I lost much of my physical strength, I learned the truth of a more valuable kind of strength.
It is this strength which I find within my self that is derived from my inner ambition. It's what drives me and inspires me every day to continue to persevere. Some call it passion; others call it an urge or desire. But in reality, it's an intrinsic strength found within those who wish to achieve greatness. I believe this "vires" or strength is what will benefit me most in my coming years. This is the strength that will guide me on my path to excellence.
excellent essay....I liked that part on childhood...
While I still believe this the forefront of the concept of "physical strength," the truth of strength is found elsewhere. ( you should make this sentence or your intro clearer, it's so vague so the reader may not understand your intro)
It's been 4 months and 8 days since I came off of the operating table and everyday since then I have struggled to reclaim my life. Even to this day, I still have the feeling that I'm trapped in a different body, a weaker body. Nevertheless, I strive to strengthen my body through physical therapy and constant dedication. Although I lost much of my physical strength, I learned the truth of a more valuable kind of strength. (I feel you talk about your vires too little? you should focus more about how you find out this and what it affected to you? your essay talked but not show much.
just my opinion.
Best of luck!
While it is true that this the nature of the concept of "physical strength," the truth of strength is found elsewhere. Now, right here at the end of the first paragraph make a THESIS STATEMENT that tells the reader the main idea of your essay. You raised a question about where true strength is to be found, so tell where it is to be found so that the reader knows what the essay is trying to say.
Transition into the second paragraph by telling the reader that you came to know where true strength can be found when you lost your physical strength that had become so important to you. Then, go on to this part: Since my child hood, I have always been athletic: Whether it is skiing, snowboarding, aggressive inline skating, swimming, football, lacrosse. I've always been on the move. And eliminate all the weak or unnecessary lines, like I did above.
good luck!!!
:)
