This is the first decent draft of my FSU application essay.
I am having a lot of trouble with the conclusion. I'm very tempted to reiterate a part of the prompt here, but I don't want it to be word-vomit. Any suggestions on the body's entirety would be appreciated. Conclusion assistance especially wanted!
PROMPT:
Essay - Vires, Artes, Mores
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life. (500 words)
Resilience is the ultimate segue to success. This is evident to me as an indisputable fact. I did not always appreciate this truth - it has emerged gradually through series of trials, tribulations and triumphs. Perennial demands to justify my strength have poised my thinking and buttressed my character. The insights gained through my distinctive experiences are the headwaters from which my skills are tributaries.
My first lesson in fortitude came in the form of bankruptcy as a result of my father losing his barely-begun business. At nine years old I began to recognize and evaluate the cause-and-effect factors intertwined with life's adversities and advancements. At first my ponderings pertained to linking build-up and result. Unbeknownst to my curious, coping self, a myriad of causes and their congruent effects would present themselves through time's passing. The beauteous oblivion of childhood became worn down as I was gradually exposed to harsher realities. Financial impasses gave way to impassable issues and ugly coping methods cropped up around me. Drug abuse prowled in my peripherals as my attempts at processing the world plugged along. By the time I was mid-way through my teenage years, my mother was for the first time unemployed and there were six people (two of whom were poisonous, non-familial acquaintances) living in my modest three-bedroom, forty-five-year-old home, with my father acting as sole provider. Moments void of plumbing, electricity, or phone and Internet access dotted our humble, confused existence. By the time I could consider such events typic in my day, I had a considerable database of what choices yielded which outcomes. Life's demonstrations of poverty, mistrust, desperation and ill-gotten perspectives have radically impacted my state of mind. Years of compounding these experiences have affirmed that wallowing is the least ameliorating response to challenge. Despite any circumstance, it is ultimately my volition and I that conduct my success or failure.
Being a monetary and emotional pillar of support in my youth has endowed me with a thorough conception of responsibility as well as invigorated my hunger to enact my capacities. Reciting monologues to surprised applause, offering evaluations for contention en masse during Speech & Debate, co-editing my school's yearbook and working a steady job (with a bank account that actually shows it) have all convinced me that limits are self-imposed. In forging on from my ignoble roots I hope to assist others in maximizing their potential. This ambition, coupled with a predilection for English, has impelled me to become an editor so that I might achieve that satisfaction by modulating the ideas of others.
Hello. You seem to have used the thesaurus way too much. I think it's okay to use it once in a while, not too often though, but I think you should try using words that you are used to using. I think the admissions officers will get irritated at your use of fancy words in almost every sentence in your essay. Maybe try "just saying it" in a way that comes naturally to you. Furthermore, I don't believe this essay actually answers the prompt question. So far, all I can really get from this essay is that you had problems occur in your life, you recited some kind of speech to an audience, were involved in Speech and Debate, co edited in the school yearbook, and worked a job. These are great things to mention about yourself but you sound like thousands of other students who are submitting essays. You should focus more attention on what "strengths of all kinds" mean to you, or "beauty of intellectual pursuits means to you, or "character, custom, or tradition" means to you. You should include either one or all of these ideas in your paper while focusing more on your successes, less on the negative aspects of your life. I hope this helps you!
To the last responder: You should edit your response before you get suspended. The responses on this website have to be insightful.
I actually only consulted the thesaurus once in writing this essay. But I understand that the large words could make it sound convoluted.
I've done a revision and changed a few words where I felt that a less flowery word was actually more apt, and added a conclusion.
I've received a few positive responses on this piece, so I'm not ready to trash the 'thesis' just yet*. I hope these changes thread the impression of my experiences to my successes better. I am very open on suggestions to accomplishing that goal in the essay.
(*I haven't had an academic "wow" moment. I've been steadily employed at the same job, but I work in a fine dining kitchen - no glitz there. The thing which I truly feel has reformed/refined my character, strength, AND skill the most is having been obligated to support my parents and myself (being post-roommates and siblings) through their job losses, coupled with dealing with my family's various, atypical dysfunctions among them. But I have no clue on how to turn THAT into a positive essay!)
I just think your essay would be much more effective if you elaborated on these experiences:
"Reciting monologues to surprised applause, offering evaluations for contention en masse during Speech & Debate, co-editing my school's yearbook and working a steady job (with a bank account that actually shows it) have all convinced me that limits are self-imposed."
You might have already done this, but if you offer vivid examples such as what you enjoyed/didn't enjoy, etc. about these experiences then the paper would be more about your qualifications as a student. I'm just saying, me as the reader, I'm curious about what the specifics are. For example, I would like to know more details about your speech. What was the topic of your speech? Who was your audience? How did the speech go? etc. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with your thesis. I think you should mention that you've overcome hardships, but you are only allowed 500 words so why not talk about what your qualifications are as a student, current employee, and future employee.Though your hardships are significant, maybe just reduce the amount of time you spent talking about them so you have more room for showing off your successes. Speech & Debate, co-editing the school yearbook, and the rest of what you mentioned in that particular sentence are all impressive to the admissions committee. In my first draft of my admissions essay, I spent way too much time focusing on the negative. One of the moderators brought that to my attention and I revised my paper. Now my paper seems more focused on why I would make a good student at their school and I'm more satisfied with it. It's just a suggestion. In my opinion this essay has the potential to be great. Good Luck!
Jean, thanks so much for the excellent contributions you make here!
Jessica, the way to improve this is to give more discussion of the theme they introduced. You can choose "strength" whichever one that is... oh, it's Vires. Mention it in the first paragraph.
During your discussion, speak in terms of this virtue, Vires. Also, tell how all three are involved in your process. Resilience is a good theme, for sure.
Keep the first sentence of the essay, but scrap the second one. Add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph to show that you understand the meaning of Vires.
:)
good luck!!!!
