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FSU essay: "Vires", has been forefront in my life


bailey 2 / 3  
Oct 9, 2008   #1
I recently wrote a similar essay for UF, which I like better than this one... But please critique. Thank you very much!

The Florida State University motto "Vires, Artes, Mores" focuses on strength, the arts, and tradition. Although I believe that I embody each of these characteristics, mental and intellectual strength, as signified by "Vires", has been forefront in my life. The recent and sudden death of my father has made me the emotionally and mentally stronger young woman I am today.

My strength was certainly challenged towards the end of my sophomore year, when the news of my father's illness sent shock waves through my body. I couldn't imagine how I would ever survive without my dad's big bear hugs, or his enthusiasm when it came to helping me for school in any way he could. I thought I had prepared myself to see him laying in a hospital bed, but I soon realized that I would never be ready for that sight. I would not allow myself to think of my life without my dad, but I had to face that reality only a short month later.

When my dad passed away, it took me several days to make sense of anything that was happening. I wanted to avoid the real world, and the reality that my father was gone. I could have easily slipped into a cocoon and hid from my emotions. However, a part of me knew that I was stronger than that. My father taught me to have a work ethic that was untouchable, even when my life wasn't exactly what I had planned. Because of my mental and intellectual strength, my grades never once slipped, even when I was visiting my dad every night for hours. My main priority was still to make my dad proud, which is what I intended to do.

My strength grew during this life changing experience, and continues to grow everyday. My father's death was an untimely event that humbled me and changed me as a person dramatically. I believe that I have been transformed into a stronger person, both mentally and emotionally. The little things in life that used to dominate my thoughts a year ago are now not as important. I have gained the ability to see what is really important, particularly my own family. Also, my great moral strength has improved my work ethic and I am now even more encouraged to fight for what I want. My father's only request of me was to make him proud, which is what I intend to do every day for the rest of my life. Although I will come across more obstacles like my father's death, I know I have the strength to carry on and use the experience to better myself. As a student at Florida State University, I will carry over my mental and emotional strength to become a student that I know would make my dad proud.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 9, 2008   #2
Just a general comment: perhaps refreshing yourself with the rules of comma usage could benefit you; you seem to be a bit "comma happy"; don't worry, it happens to everyone-I'm "semi colon" happy ;)

Secondly, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; it is inappropriate and many instructors will count off for it.

Is your dad's passing a metaphor for your own emergence from the cocoon? Could the person before have been the caterpillar, and the person since his passing the butterfly? Could this also serve as a metaphor for your chance in perspective? Can you use this transformation in your academic career?


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