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Virtual information session - Why Lafayette?

Dilli 1 / -  
Jul 25, 2020   #1


Any feedback will be extremely helpful. Thank you!

My admiration of Lafayette sprouted when Ms. Jade Saybolt acquainted me with Dyer Center in her Virtual information session. I am intrigued by the spectrum of resources and opportunities it provides to foster innovation and entrepreneurship in Lafayette students; courses tethering business, society, and engineering and resources dedicated to innovation and problem-solving are extremely crucial for me to nurture an entrepreneurial mindset. The experiential knowledge bestowed at the Dyer center will enable me to build entities colossal than my tuition center. Furthermore, the "Economic empowerment and global learning project " will connect me with the real-world economic challenges and cultivate my skills to act upon such challenges and positively impact communities internationally.

I seek for a community where people have similar goals and values but have unique backgrounds and experiences, where I can share my stories and listen to others'- inspiring others and getting inspired, where I am challenged with unconventional ideas and maneuvered towards greatness. I believe that opportunities at Lafayette will contribute me to unlock my potential to be all I can be and to create enormous intellectual wealth in the global community. The inception of my success will dawn from the moment I receive an acceptance letter from Lafayette.

kays 5 / 10 2  
Jul 25, 2020   #2
Hi, I would like to give you some feedback.

Some of your sentences are too long and could be written in a more friendly way. By rewriting your sentence your essay will be sharper and give a stronger impression for readers.

On the second paragraph : ... can be written as
... goals and values while also having unique backgrounds and experiences. A community where I can share ... to others- inspiring ... inspired. Also where I am ... and can progress towards greatness.

Hope this helps :)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,088 3250  
Jul 25, 2020   #3
The focus should not only be on the Dyer Center. You should also be focusing on addressing how your academic goals and career ambitions will be addressed with specificity by the university. Mention a few classes you look forward to taking and why it is relevant to your future plans. Name drop a professor whose class you look forward to taking and explain how that professor inspired you to pursue this degree. Talk about the Lafayette community in terms of your interest in their clubs, organizations, or social events that can help you develop your personal skills and future network, specific to your chosen major. Show the reviewer that you actually did your research and you know the exact reasons why you are applying for acceptance to the university. The reference to the learning project isn't informative as it does not tell the reviewer how you plan to grow as a student and future economic leader through the program.

In all honesty, the essay you wrote is so generic that you could insert the name of a different university and the name of a different center at any given time. It sounds more like a template response rather than a personal analysis of the reasons why you chose the university. It just doesn't work. It doesn't pop. It doesn't allow you make yourself look like you are truly excited to learn at Lafayette. You should make sure that the reviewer knows this is not a cookie cutter response. Change your total essay. Do not use any part of this version. It isn't effective at all.

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