Personal Essay: VISIT FROM MADAMOISELLE ALOPECIA

Hey guys.. this is my common app. personal essay. It is based on a topic of my choice.
It is suppose to be 500 words so please help me make it shorter...any comments and suggestions are COMPLETELY welcomed!!!!
P.S.. im really excited seeing that im a new member and this is my first thread! :D

VISIT FROM MADAMOISELLE ALOPECIA.
When my hair started falling out, the scene from that movie flashed through my mind where the girl was on her knees in her bathtub holding chunks of wet hair in her palms while screaming and rocking as vibrations reverberated through her entire body. It started with odd flakiness which was immediately disregarded as dry scalp which I treated with my favorite hair oil. The dry scalp became progressively worse and when my first bald patch appeared I was rushed to the dermatologist who diagnosed me with alopecia, which was caused ironically by my favorite hair oil that was too thick and clogged my pores which led to suffocating hair follicles which led to alopecia. Many questions went through my mind: Am I dying? Would I have to wear a wig? Is my baldness permanent? But the question I asked myself the most was how would I face everyone at school when I was going bald? I would have rather died than be laughed at, scorned and pitied. I was in the 9th grade which was the time when you developed as an individual, and really determine the group of friends you hung out with; not be classed as sick and freakish.

At that time it was so bad that I could only wear my hair in a ponytail that took so long to construct as it was nearly impossible to hide my bald spots. I remember one particular day in Social Studies class; we were divided into groups to work on a project. I was fully immersed in my work when one group member suddenly said "Cardolisa, what happen to the middle of your head? It don't have no hair" Immediately, all the group members stopped working and I could feel their eyes bore into my head. So this was what a lab rat felt like. I was so humiliated and I felt the tears threaten to fall but luckily enough a quick excuse for my baldness sprung from my lips "It's just the way my hair is parted". I nonchalantly brushed my hand over my hair, covering the bald patch happy that no one realized or commented on the obvious fact that my hair was in a ponytail so the patch showing in my head could not have being a hairstyle. When I reached home that evening I cried so hard and prayed even harder for just the shadow of a strand to defy the progressive baldness that was quickly replacing my hair. During the time my alopecia ran its course I had this lingering fear that someone would mess up my hair just to gleefully showcase my baldness for the world to see.

A few months later, my hair started to grow back and now it is thicker than ever. But my experience with such a disease that caused so many life altering changes removed all traces of the unsure and "inexperienced in life's trials" woman I am sure I would have become and replaced her with someone stronger, bolder and more confident but not yet completely unafraid of what life has in store. Now I look back on my 9th grade self and thought of how childish and young I was with just a hint of criticism but then I realized how strong I was to have experience what I went through at such a vulnerable age and that it is from that same strength I exist today.

Your essay looks good. Nothing dramatic to fix as sentences go, but there were a lot of run-on sentences that kept trailing off. You should probably break those. Lots of commas have been inserted. Otherwise, looks good.

Revise mine? It would help me out a lot! :)

my head could not have being a hairstyle....i think you mean or should put been a hairstyle instead of being it makes more sense

also this is a really good personal essay it relates to the topic very well..i liked it and think it has potential, love the way you make the story interesting with quotes and funny sarcasm examples etc good job!