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"Visiting new countries" - introduction for admission essay


rach917 1 / -  
Mar 29, 2010   #1
hi, this is just the begining of my personal essay, just wanted to know what you think, and if you check my grammar and spelling.. thank you in advance

My family and I go to travel very often. Discovering a new country is always a very exciting experience, you get to learn about different cultures, different ways of living ; you get to interact with new people. Visiting new countries is very entertaining. I have been bridging cultures throughout my life. This experience has taught me to look for differences to compromise and similarities to synthesize in order to balance different cultures.

Travelling can seem easy but it needs concise organization and one of the most important things in a trip is the hotel you stay in. After spending journeys visiting new places, you want to get back to a nice and relaxing place.

Getting used to this kind of experience made me quite aware of this whole process and this is how I got incredibly interested in the hospitality management.
Matthew32 - / 1  
Mar 29, 2010   #2
"My family and I go to travel very often"
"I have been bridging cultures throughout my life."
"This experience has taught me to look for differences to compromise and similarities to synthesize in order to balance different cultures."
"After spending journeys visiting new places, you want to get back to a nice and relaxing place."

You might want to check these statements for correct sentence structuring. There's no clear idea stated yet in your opening paragraph.
"Visiting new countries is very entertaining."
Yes going on vacations can be fun and entertaining but there should be a deeper motive here. I would love to travel the world but no one is going to just give me a job doing so because I really enjoy it.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 31, 2010   #3
Matthew's corrections look very good. Also, I hope you will challenge yourself to express a concept that is not so easy to express -- something about this insight you gained when you learned to "look for differences," synthesize, and notice similarities. Try to help the reader share this insight that you are expressing. Can you end your first paragraph with a perfect sentence that may enable the reader to gain some of the insight you gained?

If you can convey one point that makes the reader think in a new way, you will have written something brilliant. You have to start by asking yourself what valuable insight you want to share... make it something that you felt very excited about when you noticed it.

For example, what did you mean about looking for similarities? This is intriguing...

:-)


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