Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6


visual and literary arts and music - FSU Admissions Essay Review


bravesirtodd 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2010   #1
If anybody would care to read my essay, I'd really appreciate any and all input at this point, as I've never written a college admissions essay before. Is this the kind of thing admissions boards take a liking to? If not, what am I doing wrong? Thank you =]

I think if there's one thing I can say I've learned from life thus far would be the extent to which I, as a human being and a member of our society, am in a constant state of change. Even in this ever changing ebb and flow of life, certain ideas stay with me, holding strong. I can relate to the principles that have been held by the Florida State University for so long because, like it, I share several of its guiding philosophies. As I grow and change, I hope to continue to be like FSU by retaining my commitment to intellectual strength, pursuit of the arts, and strong moral values that make me who I am.

I've always believed the mind is our greatest asset. I understand it's very important to develop it properly. In my pursuit for intellectual strength, I've found it necessary to retain a certain resolve to study, to research, to read deep into the night. Like training any kind of strength, intellectual strength requires the drive to exercise the mind, but most of all the actual desire to learn. I believe I've been very fortunate to possess this desire for knowledge.

There is certainly something beautiful about the connection one has with one's passion. I myself have always felt a certain affinity for the arts. Despite my loves for the visual and literary arts, I've always felt the most passionate about making music. There's something remarkable about the ability to connect with people through music, to evoke emotions and ideas with rhythm, harmony and melody. From my experiences of performing with many different musicians, learning and practicing a variety of instruments, and studying the different musical styles of the world, I feel I can relate to the intellectual pursuit of music.

It's very comforting to know Florida State University retains a strong connection with its tradition and character. I think one's morals and values strongly define their character. For this reason I hold a firm belief in retaining positive values and virtuous morals. I strive to be an overall good person, by treating other people with respect and kindness, just as I would expect them to behave towards me and the other people around them. I think it's necessary as a society that people work to be good, if not for the sake of others, but for themselves to mould their character into one that's strong, positive, ethical, and admirable for others to look up to.

I'm certain that as I grow, I will retain these values and continue to explore them with each new experience and new knowledge I acquire. For it is the growth in academics, as an artist, and as a person that help me embrace life's changes. Changes such as the collegiate experience I hope to live at Florida State University.
senior - / 6  
Jan 13, 2010   #2
Wow! That is a great essay! If you dont mind me asking, what state are you from? I think that is exactly what colleges are looking for in your essays... As for my essay, mine is horrible!!! I just have a few ideas and typed them up and I just dont know what to do with it. You mind helping me? The author is marked as senior, and the title I think is College Entrance Essay...oh by the way, I met with the head of the admissions for a college that I am applying to and he explained to me what they look for in essays, and yours had everything he asked for. Don't worry, it really is a great essay!
OP bravesirtodd 1 / 2  
Jan 13, 2010   #3
I forgot to add the prompt if it's necessary=P

Your essay should be no longer than 500 words.

For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

Thank you so much! =] I'm from Florida. I really hope it does the job!
senior - / 6  
Jan 13, 2010   #4
Ummmm, I would say you can begin by deleting parts that could be considered repetitive like the being human, yeah it adds to your essay and fits nicely but it can be done without. Just any words that come after each other that are similar, or phrases that are similar.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 19, 2010   #6
Ha ha, is your username a Monty Python reference?

I think If there is one thing I can say I have learned from life thus far, it would be the extent to which that I, as a human being and a member of our society, am in a constant state of change.

You should read about the Buddhist concept of impermanence. You will enjoy it, if you hae not already studied it!

Notice how sentences almost always seem more powerful and energized when you kill the word very:
It's very comforting to know Florida State University retains a strong connection with its tradition and character.

This essay seems forced, like you were asked to write about the 3 virtues and you responded. I think you should write it in a way that shows that you have a particular mission you are on. If you saw Good Will Hunting and it made you desire to be a therapist, perhaps you would have already read the works of neo-Freudians and existentialists and cognitive therapists and really come up with a solid plan. If that is the case, you can write about strength, art, and morality as they relate to your clearly envisioned plan.

Right now you are just writing about the words. :-)

What is your plan, the plan that you are determined to carry out?


Home / Undergraduate / visual and literary arts and music - FSU Admissions Essay Review
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳