This is my biographical essay for Questbridge. I would greatly appreciate any corrections and/or additions to the text - I am currently at 551 words, the max is 800.
This essay is due 9/30/11; I hope someone can read over this before then, if not, it's solely my fault for starting so late.
Thank you for your time.
Prompt: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
Visualizing Perfection
Blood. Everywhere. My 4 year old step-brother was screaming in irreversible agony. Blood was running down his face. I had done it this time. My short-lived life was over, or so I thought.
I had thrown a rock at my step-brother. Once I took the time to analyze my actions and examine the results, I realized that I was going to be punished accordingly. My anger had overwhelmed my entire being and took control of my actions; I was resentful towards my mother and father for them never being married, yet my juvenile and fallacious mind had made me believe that it was appropriate to direct the hatred towards my step-brother. I was ready to yield to the well-deserved punishments coming my way.
After a few minutes passed, I heard the voice that I dreaded to hear. "ZAAAAAACH!" shouted my father. He gave me plenty of time to think about my actions when he grounded me for a week, which helped me reflect upon my bitterness towards my parents. I pondered over my parents status; "why can't they be together?" I would constantly question. Traveling between two houses took its toll on me mentally. I could not fully comprehend the reason why my parents were separated, nor could I completely understand why my father had a harder life than my mother.
Then it hit me; could it potentially be my fault for their separation? I knew that they were never married, and they parted ways after I was conceived; could my birth be the reason for their separation? I was beyond miserable; I was absolutely heartsick. One simple thought convinced me that everything was my fault. This shocking revelation forced me to try to find ways to mend what I thought that I had destroyed; my reaction was to try to fix my imperfections.
My adolescent mind perceived these imperfections to be my irritable temperament and my attitude towards school and grades. I assumed that my hostility was further separating my parents, which led me to the conclusion that I needed to introduce a new identity - with which I would bring about a new altruistic mindset, a mentality of benevolence and compassion. Not only did I have to change my disposition, but I also needed to raise my grades if I were to hope to bring my parents together again. I heavily believed that sustaining exceptional grades was essential to the unity of my parents, which prompted me to work mercilessly.
Now that I can look back to what has defined my life, I realize that my parent's separation was a blessing in disguise. My ignorant and inexperienced mind brainwashed me to believe that my parent's separation was my fault; now, I know that it was not my fault and I could not have done anything to change the outcomes. Even if I could have changed the outcomes, I am fortunate that my parents stayed separated; if my parents were together, then I would not have had any incentive to avoid aggressive behaviors, nor would I have any inspiration to strive to succeed in work and school. Having separated parents has allowed me to push myself towards being a superior person - a person who is constantly looking to better society and a person who works rigorously to achieve his goals.
Clear demonstration of family background and its influence.
Does your topic imply that you're perfect now?
I'll go back and reword the conclusion - I meant for the title to allude to my quest for perfection to bring my parents together, yet perfection is obviously impossible.
Thanks for the feedback.
EDIT: Here is the new story (bold part was added)
Visualizing Perfection
Blood. Everywhere. My 4 year old step-brother was screaming in irreversible agony. Blood was running down his face. I had done it this time. My short-lived life was over, or so I thought.
I had thrown a rock at my step-brother. Once I took the time to analyze my actions and examine the results, I realized that I was going to be punished accordingly. My anger had overwhelmed my entire being and took control of my actions; I was resentful towards my mother and father for them never being married, yet my juvenile and fallacious mind had made me believe that it was appropriate to direct the hatred towards my step-brother. I was ready to yield to the well-deserved punishments coming my way.
After a few minutes passed, I heard the voice that I dreaded to hear. "ZAAAAAACH!" shouted my father. He gave me plenty of time to think about my actions when he grounded me for a week, which helped me reflect upon my bitterness towards my parents. I pondered over my parents status; "why can't they be together?" I would constantly question. Traveling between two houses took its toll on me mentally. I could not fully comprehend the reason why my parents were separated, nor could I completely understand why my father had a harder life than my mother.
Then it hit me; could it potentially be my fault for their separation? I knew that they were never married, and they parted ways after I was conceived; could my birth be the reason for their separation? I was beyond miserable; I was absolutely heartsick. One simple thought convinced me that everything was my fault. This shocking revelation forced me to try to find ways to mend what I thought that I had destroyed; my reaction was to try to fix my imperfections.
My adolescent mind perceived these imperfections to be my irritable temperament and my attitude towards school and grades. I assumed that my hostility was further separating my parents, which led me to the conclusion that I needed to introduce a new identity - with which I would bring about a new altruistic mindset, a mentality of benevolence and compassion. Not only did I have to change my disposition, but I also needed to raise my grades if I were to hope to bring my parents together again. I heavily believed that sustaining exceptional grades was essential to the unity of my parents, which prompted me to work mercilessly.
Now that I can look back to what has defined my life, I realize that my parent's separation was a blessing in disguise. My ignorant and inexperienced mind brainwashed me to believe that my parent's separation was my fault and that I could perfect myself to bring them together; now, I know that it was not my fault and I could not have done anything to change the outcomes, nor could I perfect myself. Even if I could have changed the outcomes, I am fortunate that my parents stayed separated; if my parents were together, then I would not have had any incentive to avoid aggressive behaviors, nor would I have any inspiration to strive to succeed in work and school. Having separated parents has allowed me to push myself towards being a superior person - a person who is constantly looking to better society and a person who works rigorously to achieve his goals.
The way you conclude your essay makes you seem slightly haughty. If that's what you intended or if you don't mind, that's fine.
Should I just delete "a person who is constantly looking to better society and a person who works rigorously to achieve his goals"?
Or should I delete "a person who is constantly looking to better society and"?
If there are other points where I sound arrogant, don't hesitate to point them out.
Thanks for the replies.
I would chose either one of the two at the end, and remove "superior" or use a different word.
